Negotiating Her Life
by Little Miss Nicap
Summary: Negotiating has always been a part of Olivia Benson's life. Now with her life in the hands of 'The Beast', how will things play out? Can Alex help her? Initially takes part during season 14 finale "Her Negotiation". A/O. Romance/Angst/Hurt/Comfort
1. Chapter 1

DISCLAIMER: I only wish I owned them. Dick Wolf, NBC own them, as so Mariska Hargitay and Stephanie March. If I owned them, Cabenson would have happened!

Author's Note: I will admit from the outset, I have NOT seen the episode "Her Negotiation" as yet as I write this. (The fun of living in another country that supposedly 'fast-tracks' shows… still about 5-6 episodes behind). I have only read reviews and recaps of the episode, so I ask in advance - please take this into consideration if I am not as accurate in the details of the episode. Also please be gentle, this is my first Alex/Olivia fanfic. Constructive criticism is better than outright criticism. I've had a few idea floating around in my head and I think (and hope) it will fit well with this. Alex/Olivia will happen eventually, but as we all know other stuff has to happen first before we get there ;-). Oh and being from a Commonwealth country, my spelling will be British-English

* * *

**NEGOTIATING HER LIFE**

Olivia mentally berated herself. Of course Brian wouldn't want to see something as cultural as the Plein Air Painters. Why would he want to go see something like that? He wanted to go to the damn park. Something anyone could do anytime. And not even anything romantic, they'd go sit and watch the rollerbladers. What were they, young teenagers on a first date being chaperoned by Mommy or Daddy?

"We'll go next week" …

"Another time, maybe?" …

"Perhaps later" …

"You're seriously suggesting that?!"…

Eye rolls.

Shoulder shrugs.

Silence.

These brush offs of Liv's suggestions by Brian were coming more and more often these days after being demoted back to uniform, even more since the Ganzel trial where he was accused of rape. Even so, looking back over other the months they had been together, they always seemed to do everything Brian wanted to do. Christmas: Olivia suggested where she'd always dreamed of going one day Paris, so the Bahamas it was. Valentine's Day: no way in the world was Brian celebrating that. Go to that new Indian restaurant, nope. See the masterpieces at the Guggenheim, you're kidding right? Do something, anything remotely interesting, nuh-uh.

Alex Cabot had mentioned that Serena Southerlyn had seen the Plein Air Painters exhibition in passing during her and Olivia's regular dinner get-togethers. It started out as a dinner here and there after Alex came back from her tenure with the International Criminal Court, not wanting to lose contact again after all the years lost during and after Wit Sec. These became more regular after Elliott Stabler retired. Even more so, since Bureau Chief Mike Cutter's reshuffling of all ADA's under his authority after the Delia Wilson scandal and fallout, as Alex had been transferred to Homicide and Casey Novak back to White Collar. Casey would join Olivia and Alex on the dinners every so often to talk, laugh, bitch and moan about everything, anything and nothing at all.

As Brian wandered away in his towelling robe, Olivia grabbed her phone and sent a message to Alex.

_"Plein Air Painters then dinner on one of our nights in the future?"_

The message came back moments later

_"Absolutely! It's a date!"_

A small smile ghosted across Olivia's lips as she read the message. She knew over the years that she and Alex had a 'thing', tiptoeing around their feelings, the intense looks, fiery arguments and sometimes outright flirting with each other, but only ever acting on it once – the night in the motel during the Liam Connors trial. Both women hoped in their hearts that they would revisit that part of their 'thing' one day, but after all the time that had passed, both seemed content on staying with the flirting stage. She was shaken from her thoughts as the phone rang in her hand. She was disappointed that the screen read it was work related – it was her day off after all.

* * *

After dropping Brian off at a sports bar so she could continue on to the precinct, Olivia's thoughts wandered back to what she and Brian were… well she didn't even really know what she and Brian were now. To Olivia, it seemed like they weren't even going through the motions to even class it as a relationship. No real talking about hopes, dreams, ideas or wishes. Just catching up with each other when they could, and having sex. Their sex life, well it certainly wasn't earth shattering, but wasn't as bad as their first time all those years ago…

"So… ahh… I've kinda started seeing someone" Olivia said casually, as she uncorked the bottle of red wine for their dinner, this time at Olivia's apartment.

"Oh, anyone I know?" Alex raised her eyebrow as she placed the wine glasses on the bench.

Olivia thought a moment before answering, "I think I've mentioned him to you before, some years ago"

"I hope it's not Kurt Moss. Oh please, not him. He's just creepy looking, Liv" Alex admonished.

"Urgh, I don't know what I was thinking with him. I don't think I was actually. No, I've started seeing Brian Cassidy" replied Olivia, as she filled both wine glasses.

Alex pondered a moment, trying to remember who this Brian Cassidy was before Olivia continued, "He was with SVU before you were assigned our ADA, Alex… and I slept with him once,"

Alex cut her off before Olivia could continue, "Ah, you mean the co-worker you told me about who didn't know the word difference between fondling and soft cheese?!" Alex tried to stifle a giggle before adding "Liv, you said that he fell asleep on top of you during sex and that he woke up when the phone rang, not realising he fell asleep!"

Olivia tried not to laugh at the memory, and failing, before replying, "We were both a bit drunk! And he's improved since then"

"Well that wouldn't be too difficult, now would it? From memory, you also said you were 'frustrated' for the rest of the night because you couldn't even 'finish off yourself' due to the phone call being call out" said Alex, using air quotes.

"Don't remind me, Alex" laughed Olivia, before pinching the bridge of her nose and shaking her head slightly. "That was some very bad sex."

"Not to worry, you're not the only one here to have had bad sex. On a desk with Jim Steele… don't try it if you haven't already. It's nothing like the fantasy of desk sex. And Robert Shelton… we won't even go there," Alex shuddered. Robert Shelton, Alex's ex-fiancé had been a very low point in Alex's life and rarely spoke of him. "Now see, that's why I think I prefer sex with women. I've never been left dissatisfied… ever!" Alex sipped her wine.

A look passed between them, both women knowing exactly what Alex was referring to. The motel. That night.

"Yeah, me too" whispered Olivia, breaking eye contact. Both women considered themselves, and knew each other were equal opportunity lovers. To be honest, both preferred the company of the female form.

Alex put down her wine glass and wrapped Olivia in a warm embrace. "As long as you're happy, Liv. If Brian makes you happy, then I'm happy for you." Pressing a kiss to her cheek that may have lasted a little longer than necessary, Alex added "You _are_ happy, aren't you?"

"It's early days, but I think I might be" Olivia said, nodding her head ever so slightly.

Pulling back from the embrace to look at Olivia, Alex winked "If he doesn't, you know where to find me."

* * *

Such a flirt, thought Olivia. Recalling that conversation with Alex, Liv wasn't so sure she was happy now. She was more happy being hugged by her former ADA. The kiss on the cheek from Alex was a lot nicer than the kiss on the forehead she got from Brian when she was on the couch. That felt like a parent kissing a child well done, good job. Not a kiss from someone who was supposed to be in love. It was that moment Olivia realised that she and Brian were really just being fuck buddies. Friends with benefits.

Olivia gently fingered her newer Fearlessness tag necklace as she exited the car. She loved it and wanted to wear it with her old Fearlessness and Lotus Mandala pedants, but Brian insisted she only wear the new one now. Everything wasn't even a negotiation with Brian now, and Olivia was realising that wasn't what she wanted anymore. She needed to talk to Alex, the sooner the better, but that would have to wait.

For now Amanda Rollins had called the entire squad in for a seemingly open and shut case, but the detectives knew it was very rare their cases were anything like that.


	2. Chapter 2

DISCLAIMER: See Chapter One.

AN: I am completely overwhelmed by the response my little story has received so far! I honestly thought I would have gotten a handful of views and a comment along the lines of don't give up your day job. All the faves, follows, reviews - you gals (and maybe some guys) are too kind. Addressing some of the comments, yes Liv & Alex will talk about and/or a flashback to that night in the motel will occur. When, I don't know and which yet, but it will certainly happen. All summer? Well winter for me, but yes, this story will be several chapters. I don't know how many though. Oh and I've only just seen episode "Girl Dishonoured", so that's a few more episodes until the finale for me. I was also asked via PM about this and I'll share my thoughts here too. I truly hope nothing bad happens to Olivia, but I honestly would not be surprised if something bad did. And I don't want 'Sir Brian to ride up atop his noble steed to rescue Fair Maiden Olivia from the clutches of evil', that's too predictable. This chapter is a bit longer, but seeing I'm going away in a couple of days for a short holiday I hope it will suffice. Again, constructive criticism is better than outright criticism. Oh and I forgot to mention, angst will occur too. What's Cabenson without a bit of that huh? ;-)

* * *

Olivia walked back to desk, rubbing her eyes, desperately fighting but slowly losing the battle of the migraine headache that was building behind her right eye. One of those migraines that you just want to rip your own eyeball out to stop the pain. This case with Lewis William - if that _was_ his name - was going to hell in a handbasket very quickly. She and Nick Amaro had spent the best part of an hour interrogating Lewis William for the torture and rape of Alice Parker before his lawyer arrived. They got everything but nowhere, as all of the answers Lewis provided were stated as hypotheticals. It made her skin crawl as he described in detail the '_alleged'_ torture he subjected Alice to, over those 18 hours in her _own_ apartment. A place that most people would describe as a sanctuary, or a safe haven from the world.

Amanda and Olivia had just finished discussing the possibilities of alternate spellings of the name Lewis William, in the neighbouring states from where he said he'd lived previously. As she sat down to rummage through her desk drawer for some ibuprofen, her iPhone rang. Seeing the caller ID on her screen, her headache seemed to lessen significantly.

"Benson" Olivia answered the phone, professional as always.

"Olivia, I know you know it's me," laughed Alex.

"Hey Alex. I've been meaning to call you about the exhibition at the Whitney, and I really need to talk to you."

"That's what I'm ringing you about. We'll have to make it Friday becau-"

Olivia cut her off mid-sentence, "FRIDAY?! Why Friday?! That's days away!" Her heart sank. She glanced at the desk calendar, it was only Tuesday afternoon. "And what I need to talk to you can't be discussed over the phone."

"I'm sorry Liv, but Friday is the earliest I can manage after what the Homicide detectives just got. Unless you can use that Benson charm of yours to finagle a couple of days off, somehow get assigned to help extradite our suspect Thomas Scanlan linked to a number of murders, and get all this done before the next available flight to Canada that leaves in just under 3 hours. If you can do that, then I'm all yours!"

Olivia heard the playful tone in Alex's voice. "Well, I'll see what I can do. That Benson charm you mentioned only works on certain people, though." Liv played along, knowing there was no way in the world it was possible, even without everything currently happening in the Lewis William case. "So, where in Canada are we going?"

"Long haul. Specifically, Vancouver. So that's all Wednesday written off. Thursday will be arraignments and prep work because Friday will finally start proceedings of the Janson trial. So, seeing the Whitney stays open late on Fridays and there is a restaurant there, we can see the Plein Air Painters and have dinner. And we can talk until our hearts are content, because I might have some news to share with you by then" said Alex, as she packed her attaché bag.

That last comment piqued Olivia's interest. "Good news or bad news?"

"Rumour news that I'm still waiting to have confirmed" Alex replied vaguely. "Anyway, I better get going. I still have to go home, pack a bag and get over to LaGuardia".

"I'll let you go then. Stay safe Alex"

"Well sadly, I won't have New York's Finest detective with me, but I will some of New York's finest with me. You stay safe too, Liv. Bye" Alex smirked.

Smiling, Olivia noticed a text message on her iPhone as she ended the call. It must have arrived during the interrogation.

_"Catch up soon? Brian"_

Before Olivia could even speak a word after Brain answered the call, he said "Can't talk Liv. Working. Catch up later, yeah" then ended the call instantly. What the hell? She tried calling again, but it went straight to voice mail.

Olivia felt her migraine headache come back with a vengeance. The current headache that was playing out in her life was just as bad.

* * *

With the two consecutive Motions Court hearings regarding the Lewis Williams case on Wednesday and Thursday, Friday seemed to arrive sooner than expected for Olivia Benson. Alex and Olivia had mutually agreed that Alex would pick up Olivia from the precinct after court and then go to the Whitney.

The sudden death of Alice Parker made this case go from a headache to a down right nightmare.

As the body of Alice Parker was loaded onto the guerney, Captain Don Cragen turned to study Olivia for a moment. He could tell something was weighing heavily on the Detective's thoughts.

"This case is really getting to you, Liv." It wasn't a question.

"It's not just the case, Cap. I have some personal things I need to sort out, and I haven't been able to with everything happening with this case" she sighed. Olivia didn't want to elaborate any further than necessary.

"There's nothing more we can really do until Melinda does the autopsy later, so why don't you take the rest of the afternoon off once we get back to the precinct?" Don suggested.

"Thanks Captain. Really appreciate it."

The thought of sneaking into the gallery to watch Alex command the court room was strong. It was a guilty pleasure for Olivia and was something she hadn't been able to do since Alex's transfer. Casey Novak was very good, as was Rafael Barba. But watching Alex Cabot in the court room was just mesmerising.

* * *

Olivia sat down, making sure she had an unobstructed view of the court room proceedings. Both Alex and the Defence Attorney were at the Judges Bench, whispering animatedly to Judge Barry Moredock.

Turning around to return to the lawyer table, Alex's eyes widened briefly as she was surprised to see Olivia in the gallery. The professional mask had slipped, but was back in place a moment later. But Olivia had definitely noticed. She never took her eyes off Alex while the ADA resumed gently guiding the young Homicide Detective through his testimony over the next hour or so. Proceedings finished for the day after the detective stepped down from the witness stand.

"This is a nice surprise. I wasn't expecting you" Alex said, slinging the attaché bag over her shoulder.

"You can thank Dad. Released early on good behaviour," grinned Olivia. Alex just rolled her eyes at the bad joke.

They took Alex's car, making idle chit chat along the way for the drive to the Upper East Side. Alex could tell Olivia wasn't ready to talk about what was on her mind just yet, so broached the subject of her own news.

"Rumour news has been confirmed. There is there's a new job opening about to come up very soon. I'm going to put my name in to transfer –"

"You're leaving again?! You… you promised Alex. You promised _me_ you wouldn't leave again. And now you're going to up and leave for the Congo again –" Olivia's heart dropped to the pit of her stomach.

"No! I'm not leaving, Liv! Barba's –"

"Barba's leaving?!"

"Olivia Benson! Stop jumping to conclusions and focus like you were focused on me back in the court room earlier!"

Busted.

Alex paused a moment before continuing, "Rafael Barba is putting in a request for an _additional_ ADA for SVU. I'm putting my name in to transfer back. The fallout from the Delia Wilson scandal is all but forgotten now from the DA's point of view."

A wave of relief washed over Olivia. "That's fantastic news Alex! Wait, what about Casey? Is she going to apply?"

"No, Casey said she is going to apply for my position in Homicide. She felt being moved back to White Collar was a demotion, and quite frankly, I agree with her" Alex explained, pulling into an empty car space.

"But don't you see moving from Homicide back to SVU as a demotion?"

"No. Some co-workers might see it like that, but not me. To be honest, I see it as coming home to where I belong, with my SVU detectives" Alex snuck a glance at Olivia. 'To a certain detective in particular' she added mentally.

Olivia smiled. Maybe things were starting to look up for her.

* * *

Wandering around the nearly empty gallery room, both women were admiring a seascape when Alex commented "I really like art like this. It's a moment in time of the artist's life captured for all to see."

"Sadly, my current moment in time wouldn't look anything as nice like that," Olivia sighed. Alex gave her a quizzical look before Liv continued, "With this current case we're working on, and Brian… I'd pick a pot of black paint, go all Jackson Pollock and just throw the paint pot at the canvas."

Alex guided Olivia over to some seating at the back wall of the gallery and sat down. "Come on, Liv. What's wrong? You said you needed to talk to me."

The SVU detective brought the ADA up to speed with the Lewis William case, and the frustration is was causing the squad, but stopped short of mentioning anything about demoted male police officer currently in her life.

"And Brian?" Alex prompted.

Olivia gathered her thoughts. "You remember when I first told you I was seeing him, and you asked if I was happy. I'm not happy, and I'm not sure I ever really was to begin with. When I slept with him that one time all those years ago, he wanted everything. Dating, a relationship, the works. But I wanted none of that and shut it down very fast. This time I was willing to try and give him what I could, but he gives nothing in return emotionally. It's very draining, and I can't do it anymore."

Alex gently took Olivia's hand in hers and gave it a gentle squeeze. "You have to be happy in a relationship, Olivia. Mentally and emotionally happy. You know that's one of the main reasons I ended it with Robert. I'm in a much better place now then I was back then. And you know how bad things were for me at that point in time. Robert gave me nothing either. And Jim just gave me a release to forget Robert for a short while."

"Don't get me wrong, Brian is a nice guy. A bit of a high school guy that's never grown up really, but a genuinely nice guy. And the sex is… well it's… sex. But I understand what you're saying, Alex."

They sat there for a few minutes in silence in the now empty gallery, lost in their own thoughts. Olivia glanced down at her hand, still being held by Alex. Was now the time? Or would it ever be the right time? Maybe saying what she wanted to say would make her that kind of happy they had just been talking about. After everything both women had been though over the years, she had a feeling that Alex could possibly provide that happiness. Olivia was nervous, but took a chance.

"You… ah… you said something else to me that night when I told you about Brain."

Alex stayed silent, letting Olivia continue when she was ready. "You said… you said that if he didn't make me happy to –"

"To come see me. I remember," murmured Alex as she looked at Olivia.

"I know you were flirting like we always do. Like we always have. I want… I want to see you. I want a… a relationship with you."

Alex continued to look at Olivia, not saying a word.

"I'm sorry Alex. I knew I shouldn't have said any-" Olivia was silenced by Alex gently kissing her.

Ending the kiss, Alex smiled. "I would like that very much."

She leant in to kiss Olivia again, but Olivia pulled back slightly. "Don't get me wrong Alex. I want to kiss you again. Really, _really_ want to kiss you again, but I also want to do this right. Let me end things with Brian, and we take things slowly."

"I think that's a very good idea. And right now, I know what my moment in time canvas would look like. I'd paint the entire canvas grey, except for a small circle in the middle. Like a light at the end of a tunnel" Alex replied, and softly kissed Olivia again.

Yes things were definitely starting to look up for Olivia Benson.

* * *

END NOTE: And before anyone thinks it, NO Olivia doesn't have a brain tumour/cancer/stroke/cerebral hemorrhage. The headache is just a symbolic metaphor/allegory/hyperbole. As is the mention of nightmares.


	3. Chapter 3

DISCLAIMER: See Chapter One.

AN: I'm back from my short holiday. Good news was I was able to take my PC slate tablet and get some writing done in the evenings. I write much faster than I type. Bad news was internet connection was VERY dodgy, so I waited until I got back to upload. Thank you as always for the faves, follows, reviews, encouragement etc. Constructive criticism is always better than outright criticism for me. Addressing a few of the comments, I honestly can't comment on Alex/Casey (well, apart from Alex is hot!); or Olivia/Casey (again, apart from Olivia is hot!) pairings, I see them and my mind goes: DOES. NOT. COMPUTE, and I avoid them at all costs. Don't get me wrong, I like Casey as a character, but I just cannot see her as a pairing for Alex or Olivia. I can see Casey paired with Serena, Abbie, Chester or anyone else, but not Alex or Olivia (the exception I think is the Cabenmichael series by abbierena). Olivia/Brian: well, my honest thoughts were used by Alex in the first chapter, he didn't know the different between fromage and frottage, didn't know what nercophilia was and I loved, loved, loved it when Olivia smacked him down when he used his big word 'fledgling'. Very immature character, yes. Glad he was written out early in the series. The same certainly goes for Olivia/Elliott for me personally, it just does not compute. Elliott is married to Kathy & have 5 kids together. I quite like Kathy as well. Wish she would have been used more throughout the series. I didn't/don't see anything but friendship & work partnership with Olivia & Elliott. Anyone out there thinking, oh she's just saying about E/O because she loves the ladies ;-)... true, but it's not the case. I used to read heaps of Mulder/Scully smut fics back in the day, that pairing works for me. We saw the relationship grow on the show, oh and they were both single. See, it works (and somewhat surprisingly I guess, Scully/Reyess didn't work for me). But, I respect someone's OTP ship and I hope they will respect mine :-). And a followup PM, no I don't want 'Sir Elliott' to rescue Liv either. What I'm writing in this story is what I consider possibly could happen. This might be a bit smaller chapter than I originally intended, but I had to split it from the next chapter for it to work (yeah, the intense end of ep stuff and beyond is next chapter). Anyhoo...

* * *

Cause of death Alice Parker: Heart attack. Contributing factors of stress due to rape and torture: Undetermined; Medical Examiner Melinda Warner concluded. It was the best she could give the detectives given the medical evidence before her.

Olivia was starting to wonder what deity the SVU team had pissed off? In all the years, there had never been a case like this one. They just couldn't catch a break with a baseball mitt. Frustrations started seeping out with every possible counter argument, Rafael Barba surmised the defence could use for every point of evidence the two female detectives made.

Even more frustrating for Olivia, Brian couldn't talk until tomorrow night - Sunday.

* * *

Lewis William was playing them all. He had an answer for everything, as did his defence attorney Vanessa Meyer. He loved the control he had in the situation. The power he possessed. And he was getting off more and more on Olivia's frustration. Vanessa Meyer, was she in on it too? Did she know more than she was letting on? Was she sleeping with Lewis? Was he more than just a client for her? Olivia tested a theory and made the comment about Meyers sleeping with her new lover... or was that her client?

Leaving the prison conference room with Rafael Barba, Olivia needed to take her mind away from the current case to happier thoughts.

"So ... I hear you're asking for an additional ADA" Olivia fished.

"How did you hear about that?" Rafael Barba whipped his head around to look at Olivia.

"A little bird told me," she smirked, while thinking 'A drop dead gorgeous bird with legs all the way up to her-'

"No one's supposed to know about it at this point in time," his brows furrowed.

"This will go no further than us, I promise you. Are you having difficulties, Rafael? Are the cases becoming too much for you? There is no shame if it is. SVU is not for everyone."

"It's not that I cannot do the work, don't get me wrong Detective Benson. I just think having two ADA's at SVU would be advantageous. In particular, both a male and female ADA. You yourself would know that sometimes some victims respond better to that of a male or female detective. I think the same can go for prosecuting cases as well, should the need arise."

Olivia's mind worked quickly. If Alex was indeed assigned back to SVU, that would mean that they could work together and eventually be together with a smaller chance of someone arguing 'conflict of interest'. Any problems, Barba could step in. Yes, two ADA's if Alex was the one assigned certainly were better than one come to think of it now.

"I whole heartedly agree. It's a very good idea and I think the rest of the team will too," she beamed.

"Glad to hear it. Although if you don't mind me saying, sometimes I feel as though I'm not an accepted member of the team, even after all this time."

"I apologise on behalf of the other detectives if you've ever felt unwelcome in any way, Rafael. It's certainly no reflection on you or your work. You have to understand how we work. When I first joined SVU, we had no stability. It was whatever ADA could be spared by the DA's office. We finally got stability when Alex was assigned our permanent ADA."

"Alexandra Cabot," Barba seeked clarification. Mike Cutter had mentioned her interest in returning, and of course Barba knew of the 'back from the dead' story. Everyone in the DA's office knew_ that_ story.

"Yes. Then we had to start from square one again when we were assigned Casey Novak. After her censure –"

"Wasn't she the ADA famously disbarred?" Everyone knew that 'story' too.

Damn Kim Greylek. "She was censured. After that, it was basically back to the old days of any ADA available. No chance to establish rapport or familiarity. We thought we had the stability SVU needs when it was both Alex and Casey assigned. No need to learn how the person operates, the familiarity was already established. We need that constant here. I know we are still learning you, and you're learning us, but I know we're getting there."

Rafael Barba appreciated Olivia's honesty. "I will take those points you have made into consideration, if l am asked for any input. But Mike Cutter will have the final say in the decision," he explained. Before getting into his car, Barba added "Supreme Court on Monday, Detective Benson. I will let you know what time I will need to call you for your testimony."

As Olivia got into the squad car a short text message arrived.

_"I hope you enjoyed Friday as much as I did." _Olivia smiled as she read the message. 'Yes Alex, I certainly did,' she thought.

* * *

"Hey Liv!" Brian kissed Olivia on her cheek as she opened her apartment door. He was already two hours later than he said he would be.

"Hey Brian. Come in."

Liv turned her cell phone off so there wound be no disruptions during the conversation she was about to have. As Brian took his coat off and tossed it over the lounge chair, he was excitedly relaying to Olivia in detail about some two-on-two basketball game he had been watching all afternoon in the park making him lose track of time. She wasn't really paying attention, she just nodded her head each time he stopped talking or adding a small comment every once in a while. Yes he really was a man still living like a high school teen. Olivia was quite startled when she felt arms wrap around her waist from behind and lips nibbling the column of her neck.

"Thought that would bring you back to reality," Brian murmured against her neck, nearing the particularly sensitive spot that would make Olivia melt.

"Oh hey_ Bri_, can we talk?" Liv disentangling herself from the embrace before he could get there, turning around to face him.

"I'd rather we go to the bedroom and catch up" he winked.

"Yeah," she started unenthusiastically before adding "that what I want to talk to you about."

"What do you mean? Are you bored? We can try different things - "

"Bri."

"- or be a bit more adventurous -"

"Brian."

"- if that's what you -"

"BRIAN!"

"-want. WHAT?!"

Olivia sighed heavily and took a moment to gather her thoughts. "What are we doing Brian? What do you see our relationship as?"

He narrowed his eyes."Huh? I'm not sure I understand what you're asking Liv"

"Define our relationship. Look back over these last few months in particular and honestly tell me what this relationship has become, Brian."

"You're my girlfriend, Liv. We do heaps together and we have great sex. Why? What do you see?"

"We do everything _you_ want to do. And we have sex. Honestly, Brian we're fuck buddies and I that's not what I want. That's never what I wanted." Brian's eyes widened as Olivia continued "Don't look surprised, Cassidy. You know it's true. Everything l suggest we do together, you shoot it down -."

"Well it's not as if your suggestions are exactly what l'm in to Liv,"

"Neither are your suggestions, but at least I've tried. That's what people do in a relationship, compromise. Be equals. You remember you wanted us to be together all those years ago and I couldn't give you that. You pined and moped after me for over six months after I ended it Brian. And now since we've been together, it's like you're not really serious about us at all."

Brian closed his eyes and let a slow breathe out. He knew deep down what Olivia was saying was true. What their relationship had become, but hoped the conversation wasn't going in the direction it looked like it was heading to.

"You are a_ great guy_, Brian don't get me wrong. But we can't keep going on the way we have. It's not fair on either of us. And I don't want to hurt you."

"I _do_ _love_ you, Olivia. You know that, right?"

Olivia nodded her understanding, "I_ care_ a lot for you."

Brian noted the lack of the word love in Olivia's reply "But you don't love me." He swiped away a tear threatening to fall.

She shook her head sadly, "Not the way you hope I would, or should do. Not the way you told me Clarissa loved you, Brian."

Examining their relationship, Cassidy knew deep down this to be the case. Both he and Clarissa had spoken of marriage long before her murder. "Is it another guy? Is there someone else?"

Tears started to prick at Olivia's eyes, "No."

It certainly wasn't another guy, and Alex Cabot certainly wasn't a 'someone else'. Olivia didn't want the think she was lying, but in a way she justified her answer to herself as she was telling the truth too. She just wanted this break up to be less painful for both of them. "I'm sorry, Brian." Tears gently slid down her cheek.

Not wiping away his own tears, he gently pressed his lips to Olivia's, "I'm sorry too, Liv."

* * *

Slowly cracking an eye open, the sun was already streaming into Olivia's bedroom as she awoke from her slumber. She looked at the clock out of habit, but the time illuminating the screen didn't register with her. Half past eight. As Olivia looked over at the side of the bed that Brian had occupied on and off over the last several months, a wave of guilt and relief washed over the brunette. He had left without saying another word. No goodbye, see you later, all the best. Then again, maybe it was all for the best? Crawling out of bed, she stripped the bed linen into the washing machine, started the machine, then put on new bed sheets. One of those break up rituals that people do. A fresh start, so to speak. A fresh start with a certain blonde. But that would come later. 'Take things slow, remember' she thought to herself.

Stripping out of her night attire, she was just about to hop into the shower when her apartment phone rang. She raced to the phone before the answering machine would kick in. "Benson."

"GLAD YOU COULD ANSWER YOUR PHONE, DETECTIVE! -"

Shit! Barba.

"- I HAVE LEFT SEVERAL MESSAGES ON YOUR CELL PHONE -"

Shit! Cell phone.

"- FOR YOU TO BE AT THE SUPREME COURT -"

Shit! Court.

"IN HALF AN HOUR TO BEGIN PROCEEDINGS!"

Shit! Late.

"AT WHAT TIME DO YOU THINK YOU WILL GRACE THE COURT ROOM WITH YOUR PRESENCE?"

Shit! Very late. "As soon as possible, ADA Barba. I'm on my way out the door right now"

"RIGHT ANSWER DETECTIVE! AND DETECTIVE BENSON, TRAFFIC IS A BITCH TODAY."

With no time for breakfast, coffee, washing of hair or other daily morning routines, Olivia jumped in for an all too brief shower and got ready for court. It was times like this she wished she had shorter hair again. Her hair was long when she was with David Hayden and Brian had liked it even longer, but both were out of the picture now. Alex had mentioned that she liked Olivia's hair shorter, defining her strong jawline and cheek bones. Maybe start off a bit shorter like when Alex returned after Kim Greylek suddenly departed, then see what Alex thought. Yes, it was time - a fresh start after all. As she gathered her cell phone, gun and holster and headed for the door, she saw Brian had left his coat on the lounge chair.

Shit.


	4. Chapter 4

DISCLAIMER: See Chapter One.

AN: Thankyou readers! All the comments, views, faves, follow etc blow me away. A special thank you to tuesboomer for pointing out the error to me in the previous chapter :-). Addressing the guest comment that "_Everyone in this story talks way too formally. Watch the show; they don't talk using a bunch of long words (unless they're in court) or without contractions. The dialogue doesn't match up to their personalities._" - My apologies. I'll try to be more aware of contractions. They are a contentious issue among writers. Long words, well you have to admit, long words are more interesting than simple repetitive ones. Particularly descriptive words. :-). Yes, I'm glad Mariska signed for s15 too. I would love for Stephanie to appear as well, especially seeing she was voted the Number One hottest prosecutor in L&O franchise on buzzfeed. Quote: _"That hair. Those glasses. The unresolved sexual tension with Olivia. It will never get any hotter than Alex Cabot. Never."_ Like in the story, I would love to have both Cabot and Barba as SVU's ADA's (Cabot more so, of course). Both are great in the court room, very quick witted and sassy. :-) Just a reminder, l haven't seen the finale so please take that into consideration if I'm not totally accurate. A couple more weeks to go though. (saw "Poisoned Motive" last night) And apologies if l have the subway info wrong. I'm working from Google maps. As always, constructive criticism is better than outright criticism for me. Ok, bigger chapter this time. Everyone buckled in? Let's go!

* * *

This case would be difficult enough to win as it was, disregarding the current absence of a senior detective. With opening statements beginning, Rafael Barba was having to rearrange the order in which the SVU detectives would give their testmony to cover for the missing Olivia Benson. It was really the first time that Barba had let rip, and even he was surprised Olivia was on the receiving end. He was sure Nick or Amanda would have been the first.

Opting for the subway, Olivia made her way as quickly as she could to the 86th St Station on Broadway. She was glad there was a subway station only a couple of blocks from her apartment building. Catching the next available train on the Number 2 line, Olivia knew it would be over half an hour before she would reach Franklin Station, especially on a Monday morning. Even then, it was still several blocks walking before she would reach the New York City Supreme Court. But it was the easiest way to Lower Manhattan without having to change trains.

"Next stop, 79th St Station," a voice announced over the speaker.

Olivia smiled to herself. Alex's stop.

Even after Alex 'died', Mrs Cabot kept the 78th Street apartment her only child had purchased after moving to New York following her graduation from Harvard. A place where she could feel closer to her daughter when the overwhelming sadness of her 'death' got too much for the elder Cabot female. Alex found out all of this after her brief return for the Liam Connors trial from Jack Hammond, the night after THAT night with Olivia. Her Uncle Bill Harriman promised to keep it until she returned permanently after her mother passed away.

When Alex finally returned from WPP, it took her a long time to return to that apartment. It took Liv even longer to find out _why_ Alex didn't return to the apartment or get in contact with her, and it wasn't only to do with her short lived engagement to Robert Shelton. Olivia remembered Alex telling her all of this at a dinner at the blonde's apartment not long after Alex replaced Sonya Paxton. It saddened Olivia when she found out why it took Alex so long.

Liv wanted to let Alex know she had broken up with Brain sometime today. They hadn't spoken since Friday night with Alex having to leave a short time after their kiss to help the Homicide detectives. Looking down at her cell phone, Olivia considered telling Brian about his coat, but decided against it. If he wanted it back he would let her know.

* * *

Sprinting up the Supreme Court steps, the detective went to veer around one of the granite columns but collided heavily with another person.

'Wonderful. Just wait for the lawsuit,' Liv thought to herself. Looking down at the person beneath her, it took a moment for her to realize she was lying on top of Alex Cabot.

"This isn't quite the way I imagined you being on top of me Detective Benson, and I thought you wanted to take things slow," the ADA whispered before grinning.

"I'm _so_ sorry, Alex. Are you ok? Did I hurt you?" Olivia got up, then helped Alex to her feet.

"I'm fine, Olivia. If it'd been anyone else, I would have them arrested. But because it's you, I'll make an exception. Are_ you_ ok?" Alex asked.

"Apart from bruising my ego? I'm fine, but running late."

"Go then." Alex waved her away.

"Let me make it up to you. Buy you lunch?" Olivia started walking backwards, while still keeping eye contact with Alex.

"Done. l'll be over at One Hogan. Now go!"

"And I have news to tell you!"

"Tell me at lunch. GO!" Alex pointed towards the main doors.

With a final lop sided smile, Olivia turned and made her way to the assigned court room. She was surprised to see Barba and the other SVU detectives waiting outside.

"You're lucky, Detective Benson. Vanessa Meyer asked for a brief recess after opening statements. Surprisingly, Judge Blake granted it. Meyer's playing at something and I don't like it," Rafael Barba explained before continuing "So the testimony line up now is Detective Rollins, Tutuola, Amaro, Benson, then ME Warner."

* * *

Disgust and fury. These were the two emotions coursing through Olivia as she stepped down from the witness stand, having been accused by Vanessa Meyer of being obsessed with Lewis Williams. She was thankful that Judge Blake had just called for a lunch recess.

Grabbing lunch for Alex and herself, Olivia made the short walk over to the District Attorney's office.

The door to Alex's office was open as Olivia approached. She watched Alex quietly talking to herself as she paced in front of her desk. The detective had seen this numerous times before, and knew the ADA was preparing a closing argument. The two emotions that had appeared after her testimony were replaced by others: adoration and lust, even love. Alex was completely oblivious to her single audience member as Olivia stood watching, zeroing in on her mouth. Alex's tongue quickly darted out to lick her lips, before resuming her murmuring. It was at that moment Olivia knew she wanted to kiss those lips again and very soon.

Olivia gently knocked on the door hoping not to startle the blonde, "Hey."

A large smile appeared on Alex's face as she looked up at the brunette, "Hey yourself." She took the lunch bags of Olivia's grasp before adding "Close the door."

Alex was standing in front of Olivia when she turned back around, "So, what's the news you wanted to tell me the this morning?"

"I ended it with Brian last night." A small wave of guilt washed over Olivia as her eyes scanned the room, but it was gone when her eyes settled on the woman before her.

Pulling Olivia in to a warm embrace, both women knew it wasn't a 'l'm sorry you broke up with your boyfriend' hug. A short while later, Alex turned her head to kiss Olivia, but Liv pulled back. Seeing the confused look on Alex's face, Olivia smirked.

"What?" asked Alex.

"Did l hurt you this morning when I knocked you over?"

"No. l told you already I'm fine"

"Oh, that's a shame. I would've kissed any injuries better," Olivia shrugged and walked towards the lunch bags.

"Come to think of it, you did injure me," Alex grabbed Olivia's hand, and spinning her back around, reversing their positions. "I think you hurt my lips. Oh and maybe my neck?"

Slowly backing Alex up against the door, the detective stared hungrily at the now pouting ADA lips, then into blue eyes. Holding Alex's gaze, she replied "l think your right. Maybe l should kiss it better then," before leaning in to claim the lips of the woman pinned to the door.

Long moments passed. Hesitantly moving her hand to the front of Alex's waist, Olivia slipped her thumb between the gap of two buttons of Alex's blouse and gently stroked her abdomen, the other hand cupping Alex's cheek. Both of Alex's hands slowly inched down Olivia's waist to her cup her ass, drawing her closer.

A knock to the door halted any further progress. Breaking apart, both women rested their foreheads together, taking a few calming breaths before quickly untangling themselves to move away from the door, not wanting the person on the other side to know they were nearby.

"Just a minute," Alex called out to the unwanted intruder.

Taking a few moments to make sure it looked as though nothing was out of the ordinary by Olivia sitting down on the visitors chair, Alex opened the door.

"Mike, hello. Come in."

Mike Cutter walked into the office. Seeing Olivia in the room, he chose his next words carefully, "Good afternoon Alexandra. I wanted to talk to you about your... request. But I can come back later."

Olivia stood up, and grabbed her lunch bag. "No need. I have to be back at court soon anyway for Melinda's testimony. Good to see you again, Bureau Chief. I'll catch up with you later, Alex."

* * *

Sitting on a bench near the court room as she ate her lunch, she kept replaying the kiss with Alex in her mind. Soft breath, lips, skin, tongue.

Shaken from her reverie by her cell phone, a frown appeared when she read the name on the screen.

Brian.

Olivia sighed, "Benson."

"Hey Liv, it's me. I ahh... I left my coat at your place. And... I also have your spare key. Maybe I could come see you later?" Brain asked hopefully.

"I don't think that's good idea, Brian. How about you go get your coat when you can, then leave the key with the super?"

"Oh. Ok." Disappointment clearly heard by Olivia in Brian's voice.

"I have to go. Afternoon court session." It wasn't a complete lie, court wasn't due back for another half an hour. She just didn't want to deal with Brian anymore.

"Ok. Bye Liv."

Olivia ended the call without saying goodbye. She had done that last night.

Her thoughts immediately returned to Alex while she finished her lunch. Olivia knew it was back to work when she saw Rafael Barba and Melinda Warner appear from around the corner.

* * *

After Judge Blake declared a mistrial due to possible cross contaminated DNA evidence, Lewis William was released on bail with his lawyer Vanessa Meyer paying the money. Taking her frustrations out on the telephone handset, Olivia had the unpleasant task of telling the rest of the squad. None of the SVU detectives were happy with the outcome, even Amanda Rollins suggested shooting Williams themselves.

"Go home. Stay there two days. If you show up to work, I'll have you arrested." Don Cragen told Olivia. He could see this case, and possibly even what had been happening in personal life, was taking its toll on the woman he considered his unofficial daughter.

Liv appreciated Nick's concern when he asked about her wellbeing, and if she wanted to talk about it. He reminded her of Elliot in that respect. The partner friendship and brotherly protectiveness. But all she wanted was to be in the same room as a certain blonde. She gathered up her usual items, holstered her service weapon and headed for the elevators.

Exiting the precinct, Olivia's cell phone rang. She didn't even bother to look at the screen, as she answered with a sigh, "Benson."

"Are you ok, Liv?" Alex could hear the defeat in the detective's voice.

"I _am_ now," Olivia smiled.

"Why? What's happened?"

She relaying to Alex what had happened with the Lewis Williams case and the frustration it was having on the entire team.

"Well, I might have some news to cheer you up."

"Cutter said yes?"

"As of July 1 I'm back with SVU!" Alex said excitedly.

"That's fantastic Alex! I'm really happy for you." Olivia waited a moment to have a little fun with Alex. "Oh, by the way I got suspended!"

"WHAT?!" Alex almost dropped her phone.

"For 2 days."

"WHY?!"

Olivia laughed, "Well... maybe not suspended. I've been sent home for two days, effective immediately. So maybe you could come over for dinner and I can cook you a little celebration meal?"

"I like the sound of that. I've still got a bit to do here, but I'll let you know when I'm on my way, ok?"

"No problem. See you later, Alex."

"Detective, will I get a celebratory kiss like I did at lunch time?" Alex interrupted before she ended the call.

"You'll just have to wait and see, Counselor."

* * *

"FOUR tomatoes?!" the bodega owner stared as Olivia emptied her basket onto the counter.

Rolling her eyes, Olivia responded, "You'll never let me live that down, will you? Buying one tomato?"

He shook his head and laughed heartily. "Never. Even after all these years. Honestly, who buys a single tomato?"

Paying for the groceries, Olivia then made the short journey to her apartment building. Entering the elevator and pressing the button for the forth floor, Olivia surreptitiously glanced up to the newly upgraded security camera. It made her feel safer, especially knowing Lewis Williams was out on bail. How could everything in that case have gone so wrong?

Closing the door to her apartment, Liv placed the bag of groceries on the counter. She heard a small noise further in the apartment.

Weird.

Another noise. Was Brian in the apartment? He only had to get his coat.

"Hello?" Olivia walked further into the apartment. Her safe haven. 'I swear if that's you Brian, I won't be pleasant,' she thought.

She called out again, "Hello?"

Lewis Williams levelled a gun to Olivia's head, "Welcome home, Detective Benson."

'How in the world did he get in here?! Oh god, is Brian helping him?! Is Brian working with Lewis Williams because I broke up with him?!' Olivia's mind worked overtime.

Panic and fear coursed through the brunette's veins, as Lewis stepped forward and gently stroked the barrel of the gun down her cheek. Suddenly he grabbed Olivia, starting to pull her towards the bedroom. With the gun still pointed at her head, there was no opportunity to get her own service weapon.

A knock at the door stopped Lewis in his tracks. "Expecting someone?"

Lewis frog marched Liv to the door, gun pressed against the back of her head. "Check the peep hole," As Olivia went to look, she slowly reached for the gun on her hip but Lewis grabbed it before she could. "Nice try, Detective." Williams pressed Liv's own service weapon to her head as he tucked the first one into the back of his trousers.

"Olivia?" the voice on the other side of the door called out.

It was Alex. She arrived earlier than expected, wanting to surprise Olivia.

Olivia's fear for her own life disappeared. She had to protect Alex at all costs.

"You're in charge, Lewis. But she has a key. l'll get rid of her, otherwise she could ruin your plans like Captain Cragen almost did with Alice Parker." Olivia negotiated.

"Seems you give out keys to your apartment to anyone, Detective." Olivia thought that was an odd comment to make. Was he referring to Brian? "Put the chain on the door, then GET. RID. OF. HER." he hissed.

Sliding the chain into place, Olivia slowly opened the door as far as it would go.

"Are you ok, Olivia?"

"Sorry but I'm not good company tonight. With everything at _work_ and all. How about we catch up in a few days, _Lexi_?"

Alex glared at Olivia when the older woman called her by the shorter version of her name. Alex despised being called that, and Olivia knew it. It was then that the ADA saw Olivia's eyes. Something wasn't right.

"Oh, ok then." Alex said, still not sure what was going on.

Olivia felt the gun being pressed a little harder, but took a chance. "Lexi, before you go, my Mom rang last night. She's got tickets to the ballet. She wants to know if you and your Mom want to go?"

Now Alex knew something was definitely wrong, with both their mothers deceased, and neither women liking the ballet that much.

"I'll ahh... I'll ring her tonight and ask her, ok." Alex replied, before mouthing a one word question, 'Help?'.

Olivia nodded, adding "Say hi to _Dad_ for me, won't you?"

"I will," she knew exactly who Olivia was referring to. Donald Cragen. "Bye, Olivia."

As Olivia shut the door, she whispered "Bye Lex."

Her life was now in the hands of Lewis Williams, 'the Beast'.

And also in the hands of Alex Cabot.

Another noise broke the silence. The sound of someone else in the apartment.

* * *

DUN DUN!


	5. Chapter 5

AN: Regarding "_Your story as a whole is fine. My issue is with the switching from Brian to Alex. Olivia is bisexual, yes? This is a common trend for writers on here and I don't understand it at all." - _I've seen readers make similar comments on other stories quite rudely, so **thankyou** for commenting in a respectful manner :-). I can't speak for other writers, but I'm using bisexuality as respectfully as possible for both women while attempting to be as "cannon" as possible to the series, but still trying to tell the A/O story I want to share - after all, it's called** fan fiction** for a reason :-). In SVU, there _have_ been hints to Olivia possibly being bisexual (eps Payback & Bombshells spring to mind) and Liv dated & slept with bisexual Jeff York with Jeff leaning towards men in ep Lowdown. An NBC SVU production blog a few years back asked viewers if they thought Olivia was gay, and from memory a majority of respondents said they thought she was probably bisexual. I see significant chemistry with Alex & Olivia, they're my OTP. But I'm just starting to see a bit of chemistry between Olivia & Barba (Not like the A/O chemistry, but I see chemistry. Please don't hate! ;-). I thought it's Barba's hand Liv held, not Brian's. Actually I thought 'Alex, start using different hand cream, you're hand looks too manly'); and saw chemistry briefly with Liv/Mike Jergens, and Liv/Erik Weber (yes both evil, but IMO it was there). Never saw it with Liv/Kurt, Liv/David, Liv/Andy, Liv/Ganzner, Liv/Porter, and Liv/Brian (already addressed E/O). In general, human sexuality isn't just majority straight, minority gay. Olivia asked Elliott if he chose hetrosexualality in ep Abomination after he said_ "I guess some people just choose to be gay and others choose to be straight." _Sadly, bisexuals are often accused of **not** "choosing", or just experimenting (even within the LGBTQAI community. I'm not bi, but have a friend that is. They've experienced backlash from gay/lesbian friends because of this). A lot (but not all) of lesbians/gays might identify as bisexual particularly in teenage/younger years while trying to understand their sexuality when they realise they're attracted to someone of the same gender. Sexuality is NOT a choice, no matter what you identify as. Hope this helps :-)

AN2: I posted the previous chapter with the last line missing. So for anyone that read it the first hour or so after uploading, sorry! I uploaded the revised chapter immediately, and added the last few lines at the beginning of this chapter, just in case ;-). Also, I know nothing about guns, so sorry if I'm not 100% accurate. Thankyou for the feedback as always. And remember: constructive criticism is better than outright criticism, not just for me, but **all** writers :-)

* * *

**_Olivia's life was now in the hands of Lewis William, 'the Beast'._**

**_And also in the hands of Alex Cabot._**

**_Another noise broke the silence. The sound of someone else in the apartment._**

The shock of the noise from another person in the apartment to Olivia was suddenly overridden by the shock of ratcheting metal clamping around a wrist.

"Other arm, Detective" Lewis growled as he pressed her service weapon a little more forcefully behind her ear. The tiny click of the safety told Olivia he was deadly serious. He could pull the trigger at any moment, ending her life in an instant. Never seeing friends and co-workers again. Never seeing Alex again.

Going against all her police training and instinct, Olivia reluctantly moved her other arm, the cold metal hand cuffs cinched tightly behind her back. Lewis then removed her own hand cuffs from the back of Olivia's police belt. He clicked the safety back on the gun, then pocketed both the detectives own handcuffs and gun in each of his front trouser pockets.

"Where did you get the other hand cuffs?" asked Olivia, trying to keep her voice steady as Lewis took a quick glance out the peephole.

"Same person who let me in...'' Lewis spun her around to face him, "... the same person who gave me the other gun..." an evil grin plastered to his face.

"Liv?" the voice called out.

Olivia's eyes widened.

"Yeah, your boyfriend Brian. He's waiting for us in the bedroom. Fun times ahead!"

Another wave of panic and fear washed over the brunette. "Can't we talk about this?"

"I already let you talk too much to your visitor. I don't negotiate any further. Let's go."

Olivia knew all too well what Lewis Williams was capable of, but truly didn't want to believe Brian Cassidy would or even could be like the Beast. But she_ had_ just broken up with him the night before. Liv knew people could do some very crazy things when they had just broken up with someone. She'd lost count of how many call outs she'd attended involving disgruntled lovers, husbands and wives over the years.

Never verbalising her current distress, Olivia struggled relentlessly as she was shoved, dragged and man-handled towards a fate unknown.

* * *

As Olivia shut the apartment door, she whispered "Bye Lex."

Alex, trying to comprehend what had just occurred between herself and Olivia, quickly moved away from the door so she couldn't be seen from the peephole. The ADA kept listening for any sound of distress within the detective's apartment, as she fished for her cell phone.

* * *

John Munch walked into the bullpen, seeing only Don Cragen sitting in his office, head buried in paperwork. "What? No welcoming committee?" he asked at the Captain's office door.

"You picked a hell of a week to take time off, John." Don stood and welcomed back the sergeant with a hand shake.

"Well, it's not every week Conspiracy Con 2013 occurs on the East Coast. It's always on the West Coast. So, what's been happening here?"

"How much time do you have?" sighed the Captain.

"That bad, huh?" Munch frowned.

"Pull up a chair," Cragen handed over the reports for Munch to examine, while bringing him up to speed on the Lewis William case.

Munch shook his head when he saw the torture pictures of Alice Parker "This guy's a real piece of work. Confessing to Liv and Nick under the guise of hypotheticals, unbelievable."

Don shook his head in disbelief as well.

"And there's been nothing with this guy that would stick? Geez, the guy's like teflon." Munch threw the reports back on the desk in disgust.

"You're not wrong, John," The Captain rubbed his temples before continuing, "Actually, speaking of teflon, I got a call from Cutter today. Looks like we're getting _our_ Teflon back to work along side Barba."

"Cabot's coming back? That's fantastic. I bet Liv'll like the sounds of that news."

"Well it's not official news just yet. Official announcement tomorrow or Wednesday, and back permanently on July 1st. But yeah, I do think Olivia'll be pleased," Don nodded.

"You ever get the feeling there's... something... between those two ladies?" John broke the silence.

"John, you sound like an old gossip. You know Olivia's seeing Brian," Cragen chastised. He wondered for a moment if that's who Olivia meant when she said she had some personal things to sort out a few days ago.

"Not gossip, merely years of observation and interaction. The matching necklaces all those years ago was a bit of a sign. And I know Liv's _seeing_ Brian, but that's_ not_ what I asked."

Don pondered a moment before choosing his words carefully, "I'll say this: even after all these years, when they're in each other's presence, it's like the weight of the world has been lifted from their shoulders for both of them." Mentally adding, 'It reminds me of when I was anywhere near Marge.'

The SVU Captain wasn't letting on as much as he actually knew - at least what Olivia had admitted to him in confidence, breaking down immediately after Alex's 'death'. Don and Liv had talked a couple of times over the years regarding Alex, but this was the icebreaker. It wasn't Elliott that took her home after waiting hours at the hospital, it was Don. Silently crying from the heartbreaking news that Alex hadn't survived, Olivia held her emotions in as best she could until she was in the car with Don, where she openly sobbed. Cragen knew this wasn't just crying for a colleague or friend, but weeping for a loved one. Only two sentences were spoken the entire journey:

_'You loved her, didn't you Liv?'  
'More than she ever knew, Dad.'_

The same way he wept for Marge. The same way he loved Marge.

A small smile tweaked at Don's mouth at the loving memories of his deceased wife as he continued, "So to use your statement, I get the feeling there's... something... between them. Who knows if they'll ever act upon it? Who knows if they haven't already? I think they'd make a lovely couple if they did. But as we both know, Liv's with Brian. Now Nick and Amanda, that _could_ be... something... brewing."

"Nick and Amanda?! Now who's the gossip!" Munch laughed heartily. "Seriously, Nick and Amanda? Not Fin and Amanda?"

"Fin and Amanda are like what Olivia and Elliott were. Partners, nothing else."

"Speaking of brewing, you want cup of coffee?"

"_I'll_ make the coffee!" Don quickly stood up.

"What's wrong with my coffee making skills?" Munch questioned.

"What's right with them," muttered Don under his breath, exiting the office.

"I heard that!" retorted the Sergeant.

Cragen was in the middle of pouring fresh coffee when his cell phone rang, "Do you mind answering that, John?"

"No problem, Cap" Munch called over his shoulder before answering, "Captain Don Cragen's cell phone. Sergeant John Munch speaking," even though he saw the caller ID.

"John, it's Alex -"

"Teflon!"

"John, listen! I need to speak to Don... the both of you even. Put me on speaker if you have to." Alex quickly hissed.

Munch heard the urgency in Alex's voice and immediately called out, "It's Cabot, and I doubt its a social call."

Upon Cragen quickly reentering his office, Munch hit the speaker button, "Go ahead Alex."

"l think Olivia's in trouble."

"What makes you think that, Alex?" asked Don.

"Olivia told me to leave because of what's been happening with _work_, even though she asked me to dinner only about an hour earlier. She didn't even unchain the door!"

"Maybe she wasn't in the mood? I did give her two days after all," Cragen tried to justify.

"Look, Liv said _her_ mother rang, and asked if would ask _my_ mother to the ballet. They're both deceased! And she asked me to say hello to _Dad_ into same breath. You _know_ that's your nickname, Don. I _know_ about the Williams case that SVU's been investigating this past week. I know he's out on bail. Olivia told me all about that creep getting off on telling her what he did to Alice Parker,_ supposedly_. And his attorney accusing Liv in court of being obsessed with him! You didn't see the look in her eyes, Don."

A bad feeling started to creep over the Captain at that last statement. He'd seen that look, but in Alice Parker's eyes. It just didn't register at the time.

"John, get on the phone to ESU. Possible hostage situation with one of our own at 203 West 89th Street, Apartment 4E. Unknown suspect at this stage, but is to be considered armed and dangerous. Then meet me at the squad car!" Cragen called out as Munch strode from the office. Gathering up his service weapon and keys from the desk drawer he continued, "Alex, where are you in the building?"

"I'm in the hall outside Olivia's apartment." Alex paced back and forth, stealing a glance at the door every now and then.

Cragen grabbed three bulletproof vases from the locker, before snatching up his cell phone to run down to the garage. "You're not going to like what I'm about to suggest, but I need you wait for us in the lobby Alex," he ordered.

"No! I'm not leaving Don! What if something happens? I have to help her!"

As soon as they were at the car, Don tossed the keys to John, flicked on the lights and sped off.

"Alex, you _are_ helping her. You've done your job, now let us do ours. You've done what Olivia's asked and told me. The only thing you have to do now is stay safe. Get to the lobby now! We'll be there in 5 minutes."

"No, I won't -"

"Counsellor, if you're not in the lobby by the time we get there, I'll have no hesitation arresting you for obstruction," Don stated. The Captain, Sergeant and ADA all knew that was empty threat, but desperate times call for desperate measures. "Alex, listen. We'll be there soon. Olivia has a gun and negotiation training, she'll be ok. Wait in the lobby... do it for Olivia."

Alex sighed, she'd do anything for Olivia. She pressed the elevator button and waited, still pacing.

"Alex, is there video cameras in the apartment building?" Munch suddenly asked. Don gave him a quizzical look.

"Yes, in the elevators. And I think there might be in the garage," Alex said.

"What if this guy tries to leave or something while Cabot's going to the lobby? We want to cover all bases." Munch whispered to Cragen, trying not to think of _the_ worst case scenario, but possible alternatives.

"So none in the stairs?" Munch asked aloud, swerving around a taxi.

"No, not that I'm aware of," she replied.

"Then _you_ take the stairs. Go, now! We're not too far away." Cragen ordered.

Alex looked down at her feet and sighed. Of all the things to do while wearing Christian Louboutin pumps. "Ok, ok. I'm going." The blonde toed off her shoes, took one last look back at Olivia's door and entered the stairwell.

Almost four flights of stairs down, sudden noises made Alex scream in terror. She knew that sounds all too well.

"AHHHHHHHHHH! NONONONONO!" Alex continued faster down the last few steps and threw open the stairwell door to the lobby.

"What is it?! Talk to us Alex!" John tried to keep the ADA focused.

"GUNFIRE! THERE'S BEEN GUNFIRE!"

"ALEX! WE'RE NOT TOO FAR AWAY! HOW MANY SHOTS?!" Cragen barked.

"TWO! Two shots!" Alex choked out as she heard the wail of a police siren getting closer, though it felt to her as though they were taking forever.

Exiting the apartment building, Alex saw the flashing lights as she waited on the kerb. Munch skidded to a stop, with the ESU van arriving a few seconds later. Jumping out the car, Cragen quickly put his bulletproof vest and went over to the ESU hostage negotiator.

Munch put his vest then handed the other to Alex. "You put this on and keep it on, Alex. But _don't _leave this spot until Cragen or I give the all clear, alright?"

The ADA was about to protest before Munch added, "Do it for Olivia, ok?"

Alex nodded her understanding, and slipped the vest on. Munch joined Cragen for a short while for the briefing, before entering the lobby. A few ESU personnel proceeded up the stairs while Munch, Cragen and the ESU negotiator took the elevator. A couple of ESU officers stayed outside a short distance from Alex.

As Alex leant against the squad car waiting with bated breath for any information from inside the apartment building, a silver car exiting the garage caught her eye. The man behind the wheel gave her a smirk, making Alex's skin crawl. A radio suddenly crackled to life with the voice of Don Cragen, taking Alex's attention away.

"OFFICER DOWN! OFFICER DOWN! CALL A BUS!"

Alex only heard snippits from the radio after that.

"NOT BREATHING..."

"WEAK PULSE..."

"TWO GSWs..."

The blonde didn't wait around to hear anymore after that, and took off back inside the apartment with only one thought in her head: Olivia.


	6. Chapter 6

AN: _When will I update?_ Ah, right now :-P. Yes, you're being spoiled again so soon! Why, because chapters 5 & 6 were originally to be a whole chapter, but I split it otherwise it'd have been almost 4500 words for a chapter (and I wanted to tweak this half just a bit more before posting it). And I'm posting this because I'm going away again for a week (last trip away was a surprise for me from my brother, but this holiday has been planned for quite some time). I'll be taking my PC tablet slate with me so I can work on the story while I'm gone & I'll take my own wireless modem this time so I know I'll have internet. _Wonder how Brian is involved...did he even try to hold Lewis off or did he just give in?_ That shall be revealed this chapter :-). Hopefully the threads of the story are easy to follow as I weave them (particularly the previous chapter and this one - though the story won't always be written in this style. I'm just trying to explain how some things happened and how we arrived where we are right now, and it's the way my muse told me I had to write it). Constructive criticism outweighs outright criticism. All the likes, faves, comments and feedback are truly appreciated. Thankyou :-)

* * *

Cragen, Munch and the ESU negotiator waited for the rest of ESU to join them before knocking on the door of apartment 4E.

No response.

Knocking again, Munch called out "Olivia? It's John."

Still no response.

Before the ESU leader could signal for the battering ram to break the door open, Munch jiggled the door handle.

It opened.

Guns at the ready, Cragen and Munch followed the ESU members into the apartment. Cragen headed straight for the bedroom, Munch following close by. They were shocked to see the lifeless body covered in blood on the bed, a fine gold chain with a rectangular pendant resting by the body.

"Oh geez, no!" Munch groaned. He got his handcuff key and unlocked the metal shackles holding wrists tightly behind their back.

"OFFICER DOWN! OFFICER DOWN! CALL A BUS!" Cragen barked into the radio.

Munch relayed the injuries to Cragen as John began CPR.

Don quickly passed on the information to the other ESU members, "VICTIM'S NOT BREATHING! HAS A WEAK PULSE! HAD SUFFERED TWO GSWs AT CLOSE RANGE! TWO CHEST WOUNDS! LOST A LOT OF BLOOD! COMMENCING CPR!"

* * *

Olivia struggled relentlessly as she was shoved and man-handled by Lewis William towards a fate unknown. To her bedroom. Her personal retreat, her own private sanctuary from the evils of the world, and the horrors associated with SVU.

Fear.

Terror.

Sealview.

Lowell Harris.

History repeating.

"Liv!" Brian called out again.

Run.

Hide.

Fight.

Survive.

Too many emotions to deal with. Too many thoughts racing though her head. Being dragged into the bedroom, what Olivia was confronted with wasn't at all what she expected.

Brian was struggling as he stood next to the bed, restrained just like Olivia. Except gaffer tape bound his wrists, not handcuffs. A large contusion near his forehead, and a crude gag once taped around his mouth and head now slipped down around his chin.

"Get away from her, you sick bastard! Don't fucking touch her!" Brian lunged as best he could at Lewis, but stopped when he saw the Beast whip the gun from his front pocket and click off the safety.

"Both of you, on the bed. NOW!" Lewis levelled the gun between both the female detective and the male police officer, a twisted grin on his face.

The NYPD officers slowly lowered themselves down to sit on the edge of the bed next to each other.

"Either of you turn around, and I'll shoot," Lewis snarled as he went around to the other side and climbed on to the bed. He suddenly snapped Olivia's stolen handcuffs on Brian's wrists, before removing the tape and gag, then climbing off the bed.

"Now. Who. Do. I. Kill. First?" Lewis stood in front of them and wondered aloud, pointing the gun between the former lovers each time he spoke those words. "Do I kill you, Brian? Leaving Olivia heartbroken? Or do I kill you, Olivia? Leaving Brian distraught?"

"I want to know how you got in here?" Olivia suddenly asked, trying to distract Lewis and buy some time.

"I told you, Brian let me in. And he gave me his gun and cuffs."

"Bullshit! I was getting my coat, Liv. He king hit me from behind, and when I woke up I was taped up and gagged. He made sure I knew he _stole_ my gun, cuffs and cuffkey!"

"Gave. Stole. Same thing." Lewis brushed away the comment.

"I believe you Brian," Olivia reassured. She mentally chastised herself. How could she have thought Brian would be working with Lewis and want to hurt her? Under immense pressure, many different dark thoughts and scenarios go through peoples minds. Some scream and rage, others withdraw and stay silent.

"How did you get here, Lewis?" she asked her captor.

"Borrowed my lawyer's car while she was a little tied up," Lewis replied, trying to stifle a laugh.

"You probably stole that too," mumbled Brian.

Pointing the gun towards Brian, Lewis mocked "Yeah. Now, who'll beg first? Are you going to _beg_ me not to kill him, Olivia? _Beg me_ to spare his life? Or are you going to _beg me_ not to kill Olivia, Brian?" He pointed the gun at Olivia.

"NO! Don't hurt her! I'll do anything you want, just DON'T hurt Olivia!" pleaded Brian.

"Brian, no!" Olivia cut in.

"Shut up, Olivia! You'd do _anything _like all the others?!" Lewis raised his eyebrow.

"Anything you want. You're in charge, man. Please don't hurt her."

"Yeah, I _am_ in charge. Are you _begging _like all the others, Brian?"

"Yes, I'm begging you! Please," Brian implored.

Those words.

Magical words.

Music to his ears.

Begging.

Pleading.

Handing over control willingly.

A wonderful gift.

"Maybe you'd die for her?" Lewis snarled, before pulling the trigger twice in quick succession, emptying two bullets into Brian's body. The police officer slumped back onto the bed, desperately fighting for each breath he took.

Shallower and shallower.

Lewis smiled as he looked at Olivia. Pulling Liv to her feet, he yanked the Fearlessness pendant from her neck, breaking the chain. He tossed it next to the lifeless body along with Olivia's gun, then grabbed out small roll of gaffer tape, taping a gag around Olivia's mouth and head.

Panting.

Wheezing.

Brian had already stared death in the face and survived, barely. Just like Alex. Too much blood pouring from his body. Just like Alex.

Gasping.

Olivia tried to stop the tears sliding down her cheeks. Even though they had broken up last night, there was no reason for Brian to be senselessly killed like this. The detective knew history wouldn't be repeating itself for Brian to survive this time as she looked at his unfocused glassy eyes.

Silence.

She was able to help stop the bleeding those times. Able to help those she loved and cared for. Friends and colleagues. Alex. Fin. Melinda. Brian. Not this time. Now she herself, needed all the help she could get. Alone with the Beast.

Lewis clamped his hand around Liv's throat, just putting enough pressure to let her know he could squeeze the life out of he at any time. Pulling Brain's gun from the back of his trousers, he pressed it to Liv's stomach, safety off. "Elevator, now!"

Entering the elevator, Lewis pressed the button for the parking garage with the muzzle of the gun. Terror still coursing through her veins, Olivia stopped struggling as she glanced up at the video camera.

Currently her only other lifeline besides Alex. Olivia just hoped Alex could help her in time.

"Bet you're wondering: 'He won't get away with this, will he?' I_ always_ get away with it. I_ always_ have and _always_ will. I'll get away with killing him because I didn't kill him... _you did_. It's all on you, Detective Benson." Lewis breath tickled Olivia's ear, his body pressing up against her back. He followed the brunette's gaze to what she was focusing on, chuckling quietly and quickly waved hello to the camera with the gun.

As the doors of the elevator opened to the parking garage, the sound of an emergency siren could be heard, then tires screeching to a stop. He whispered closely, "I turned the cameras off after I killed your super. Wouldn't want any evidence lying around, y'know. Get moving."

Popping the trunk of a silver car a short distance away, Olivia took a chance and broke free while Lewis was distracted. Sirens and flashing light in the distance meant safety for the detective, her family in blue and Alex. With her wrists cuffed behind her back she only managed a short distance before Lewis William caught her around her waist. She tried to scream through the tape, but he covered her mouth with his hand to stifle the noise. Being dragged her back to the car, Olivia writhed and squirmed endlessly, but her eyes widened when she saw defense attorney Vanessa Meyer bound, gagged and unconscious inside the trunk. It was that split second of surprise for the brunette that the Beast got the upper hand, bundling her into the trunk as well, and slamming it closed.

Darkness.

Helpless.

Lewis pulled the car out of the parking space and drove out of the garage. Pausing for a moment to enter the flow of traffic, he looked over and saw a stunning tall blonde woman with a bulletproof vest and black framed glasses leaning against a car, and SWAT-like personnel a short distance further along. Taking in the scene before him, he spoke aloud to no-one, "Shame you'll never find them."

He gave the blonde a smirk when they made eye contact, but her attention was suddenly drawn away before she raced towards the building. Lewis William drove away without a care in the world, to head north along Broadway towards Upper Manhattan.

His initial plans to keep Olivia Benson held hostage in her own apartment like Alice Parker had changed with the kidnapping of his own defense attorney. The opportunity was too great when Vanessa Meyers offered to drive him wherever he wanted to go after paying his bail. Sweet, innocent, and oh so naïve. Overpowering her was too easy. His plans had morphed further when he found the door to the detective's apartment wide open and a man was standing near the lounge chair muttering, "I love you, Liv. I really do love you, and I'll do anything to prove it."

"Anything?!" Lewis startled the man and king hit him, as the man spun around to the see who the voice was. The man fell to the floor, hitting his head heavily on the coffee table corner.

Out cold.

Gun. Cuffs. Cuff key. Wallet. Photo identification. NYPD officers shield.

Jackpot!

Hmm... Brian Cassidy.

A photograph of Brian with Olivia looking happy together, dated Christmas 2012.

Obviously the boyfriend.

Lewis licked his lips, that tidbit would come in handy shortly, but he needed to deal with the video cameras before dealing with this Brian guy, now handcuffed. He'd taken the stairs when he saw the cameras when he arrived at the apartment building initially. A knock on the super's door, a flash of an NYPD officers shield and a mention that co-worker Olivia Benson was concerned the cameras in the elevator weren't working - you better take a look... just in case. Idle chit-chat while walking with the super to the CCTV room then suddenly squeezing the breath from him... all too simple.

* * *

SLAP!

Brian Cassidy's eyes slowly focused on the figure in front of him. He tried to speak, but his mouth wouldn't move. He tried to move, but he couldn't. His arms were behind his back, and his head was thumping.

Who the hell was this guy standing in front of him?!

And what the hell was he doing inside Olivia's apartment?!

"Sooo... _Brian_? Thanks for the gun... and the cuffs... and the cuff key. I see Detective Benson's your girlfriend. I wonder... how good is she in bed? I mean, does she scream your name when she comes?... Or is she one of those women that silently enjoys their orgasm?... Is she a multiple orgasm girl?... " the man in front of him asked, while lazily spinning the now removed handcuffs around his finger. "Maybe I'll find out myself?... I'd sure like to!... Maybe you'd like to watch?" he sneered.

Brian wanted to rip this guy's throat out, but he couldn't even manage to move a muscle right now, lying on Olivia's bed.

The noise of the apartment door unlocking broke the tension.

"Sounds like your girlfriend's home now. Fun times ahead!" the man said, pocketing Brian's gun and handcuffs before leaving the bedroom.

"Hello?... Hello?"

"Welcome home, Detective Benson."

* * *

"OLIVIA?! OLIVIA!" Alex cried out as she approached 4E.

"You can't go in there, ma'am," An ESU member stopped her before she could enter the apartment.

The ADA tried to brush past him, she_ had_ to know Olivia was alright. The detective was her... everything.

"I have to know Olivia's alright. I heard the radio... officer down. It's her apartment, she's in there! I have to see her!"

"Ma'am -" the ESU member moved Alex away so the ESU paramedics could enter.

"If you're telling me this because she died..." Alex sobbed, she couldn't even finish that sentence.

"Ma'am, there's no woman in there. Only a man," he explained.

"I saw her not 5-10 minutes ago! How can she not be there?! -"

Cragen exited the apartment and moved Alex further from the door, "Alex, it's not Olivia. It's Brian. And ahh... it doesn't look good... for either of them."

Alex initially breathed a sigh of relief to hear it wasn't Olivia, but then gave him a puzzled look before the Captain continued, "I don't know if Brian will make it. He's lost too much blood and he's stopped breathing. It's touch and go... at best."

He let the information sink in for the ADA.

"Alex, we can't be positive yet, but it looks like a police issue gun and cuffs, probably Brian's. And Olivia's not here. Like I said, it doesn't look good for either of them."

The ESU paramedics wheeled Brian away, Munch following after them covered in Brian's blood.

"Are you seriously suggesting Olivia did this?! That Olivia shot Brian?! They'd... " Alex had intended to say 'They'd broken up', stopped herself before she did. She knew that statement would appear very suspicious given what Don Cragen was suggesting, and given it was only the night before that they had actually broken up. Nor did she know if Olivia had told anyone else except herself. "They'd... been together for about 9 months," she covered.

"Look, I don't believe for a moment Olivia would do this. CSU and TARU are on their way right now and -"

"WHERE. IS. OLIVIA?!"

Cragen shook his head, "We don't know. She's gone."

* * *

END NOTE: Hopefully the different threads of the story weren't too difficult for you to follow - but that's the way the muse said I had to write it.

PS: What!? Don't look at me like that! I told you other stuff had to happen first ;-)

PPS: Sorry Bri!... Well, not really ;-)


	7. Chapter 7

AN: OMG! I finally saw the finale! WOW! Sadly I didn't get to see the Olivia/Brian opening scene nor the scene where Lewis burns his fingers. Saw from Fin & Cragen meeting at the ball game. The television station actually decided to start the program_ on time_ and not 10 minutes later than the scheduled time like it always does. Typical! Re: a private message regarding when the "Cabenson good stuff" will happen? I know you all want the "good stuff" to happen. Believe me, I want to get to that "good stuff" too, but you know... other stuff first! ;-). If I could plug a USB cable from the muse in my brain to my computer, you'd have a lot more of the story already. Patience is a virtue :-) This would have been posted a few days ago, but I rewrote over half of it because I didn't think it was good enough. Again, I know nothing about guns, NYPD/TARU/CSU procedure. Thankyou, thankyou, thankyou for the feedback as always. And remember: constructive criticism is better than outright criticism :-)

* * *

Alex was torn. She knew the police needed to do their jobs, there was a crime scene after all. But for them to even contemplate that Olivia would shoot Brian - completely insane! They hadn't seen the fear in her eyes earlier. A tiny thought crept into her head: what if it was Brian that Olivia had been scared of? No. NO! She immediately pushed that thought away. Even though it pained Alex the few times when she _had_ seen Brian and Olivia together, he just wasn't like that. And neither was Olivia.

It felt as though the police were working more diligently than normal, yet much more slowly. CSU were already working over Olivia's apartment with a fine tooth comb.

"Why aren't you checking the video cameras? People don't just disappear into thin air!" Alex appealed.

"We're waiting for TARU, that's their department," came the reply from a young CSU officer bagging Olivia's necklace.

The clipboard CSU Captain Judith Siper was making a notation on was snatched from her hand by IAB Lieutenant Ed Tucker.

"Well, well, well. Let's see." Tucker made a big show of it. "Specialized serial number: _USA NYPD_... well, definitely NYPD issue... _One, zero, zero, one, six_... look at that, that's the 16th Precinct... and _four, zero, one, five_... I don't have the details on me, but I bet my retirement payout that's Detective Olivia Benson's badge number. And what's this? The serial number on the handcuffs match the serial number on the gun. Case closed."

Don Cragen was doing everything to not take the bait. But the thought of punching Tucker was very appealing right about now. "Circumstantial. Doesn't prove Olivia shot Brian."

"Detective Benson's a renegade just like that ex-partner of hers, Stabler. I've been waiting for her to slip up all these years and will take great pleasure in having her thrown out. She was investigated for murder before and got off. Maybe Cassidy being accused of rape was enough to set her off?"

"I think your grasping, Tucker" Cragen snapped.

"The proof is undeniable. Her apartment, her gun, her cuffs, her necklace, her boyfriend and she's nowhere to be found," Tucker sneered.

"_I'll_ be the judge of the forensic proof. Now, get out of my crime scene and go back to the sewer you crawled out of." Judith snarled, snatching back her clipboard. While she understood the need for IAB to be here, she loathed Ed Tucker with a passion. Smarmy prick.

Alex couldn't be there any longer. She left to go see Mr Dawson, the kindly old super. Maybe he could help speed things up by unlocking the CCTV room, at the very least. That footage would hopefully shed some light on Olivia Benson's disappearance.

* * *

"Who did this to you, Brian?" Munch asked a barely conscious Cassidy, as they travelled to Mount Sinai Hospital.

Brian struggled more and more to breathe.

"Did Olivia do this?" the Sergeant prompted gently. He didn't want to ask, but anything Brian could tell John would help.

Cassidy minutely shook his head, no. With all the effort he could muster, he removed the oxygen mask from face his to whisper two words before flatlining: " ... a... man..."

The paramedics began feverishly working to revive the police officer again.

* * *

Ruben Morales was entering the lobby of Olivia's building as Alex exited the stairwell. She tried to bring him up to speed of what was needed without letting her emotions get in the way, as they made their way over to the super's door. Knocking repeatedly, Alex got no reply. The ADA thought it was odd, Olivia had always said Mr Dawson was very attentive, prompt and friendly. And the times she had met him over the years, she certainly agreed with the brunette detective.

"Maybe over there?" Ruben called out as he noticed the door a little further along slightly ajar.

Gently pushing the door open after knocking, Ruben grinned at the room full of darkened monitors. "I'll get to work," Morales said.

It didn't take the TARU technician long to notice a big problem as he checked over the equipment.

"Umm... ADA Cabot? There's no recording equipment here. Only live feed from the cameras, and a false recording box."

The blonde looked at the monitor Morales was indicating, watching both Tucker and Cragen in a very heated stouche. She was very glad she was down on the ground floor now.

"Olivia said that the building's security cameras had just been upgraded," responded Alex, not telling the TARU member that Olivia mentioned that to her in the car Friday evening as she drove to the Whitney. That wonderful evening full of hope and promise seemed such a long time ago now. "l think she also said cameras were installed in the garage."

"Techs usually install all the equipment together to save space, and for easy access. But if good techs installed these cameras, they'd have put the recording equipment away from the monitors. I know I would have. It's like storing your computer backup away from the computer itself."

A low groan was suddenly heard from the back corner of the room, "Come back... to... finish... me off?"

"Fred, are you alright? What happened?" Alex knelt down to check the super over. Large finger bruises were visible on his throat.

Morales quickly left to fetch an ESU member to assist the older man.

"Sorry... Alex... didn't... realise..."

"What do you mean try and finish you off?" Cabot asked.

"Olivia's... co-worker... cameras not... working... followed me... choked me," Fred indicated his neck. "Never seen... him... before. Maybe... new or ... co-worker of... Olivia's... gentleman... friend... Bryce?... Brad?"

"Do you think you'd recognise this man if you saw him?" Alex questioned, as she grabbed her cell phone and sent a quick message to Cragen asking for a picture of Lewis Williams. She realised she didn't know what this Beast looked like either.

The older man nodded, yes, as an ESU paramedic administered oxygen to him through nasal tubing.

"I'm with Technical Assistance Response Unit with the NYPD. With the security camera upgrade, where did recording equipment get installed?" Ruben queried.

Fred glanced over at the ADA for conformation before answering. He'd lost a bit of faith in people claiming they were with the NYPD, even with badges. Mr Dawson pointed in the direction, "Room... key...G4," then tried to unclip the keys from his belt loop.

Ruben took the keys and his equipment to the room indicated, as Alex's phone buzzed with an incoming text. Glancing at the screen, the male in the image looked vaguely familiar and creepy. Where had Alex seen him before? She searched her memory, as she showed the image to Fred.

"That's... him... Alex," Mr Dawson croaked, looking at the cell phone screen.

Alex studied the image again, still not able to place where she'd him. She excused herself, exited and made her way over to Morales.

"This is good equipment. Motion/heat activated. Effectively only records when necessary."

Morales looked over the elevator footage over the last short while, spotting Brian Cassidy entering the elevator. They watched him breathe on his hand then sniff it while on the short journey to the 4th floor. Alex tried not to roll her eyes or snort. The next brief footage was a male, his face not clearly visible, but the man didn't enter. Another resident of the apartment took the elevator to the 2nd floor, and a young couple getting hot and heavy went up to the 7th floor, then Olivia entered with a bag of groceries and snuck a glance at the camera. Alex tried not to smile when Olivia smiled widely as she exited. Entering the elevator next was Alex herself. She watched as she smoothed her jacket then her hair. Looking at this footage now, the ADA was suddenly very greatful she hadn't adjusted her bust. Some footage of Alex pacing at the elevator door talking on her phone, then looking at her feet before removing her shoes and leaving played out on the screen next.

Suddenly, Alex gasped. Olivia was entering into the elevator, mouth taped, and a man with his hand around her throat and a gun to her stomach.

"Come on, look up" hissed Alex, as Olivia looked up to camera, followed by the man who waved his gun at the camera.

Then it hit her like a sledgehammer. Lewis Williams was the man in the car exiting the garage.

"The garage! Show the footage from the garage!" Alex prompted as she grabbed her cell phone and dialled Don Cragen.

Ruben Morales tapped a few keys on the laptop so another window appeared on screen. The ADA heard the Captain answer, but she wouldn't break her focus from the screen. The blood drained from Alex's body as she watched Olivia break away then be grabbed around the waist by Lewis, realising this all occurred while she waited by the squad car. A small choked sob escaped the blonde as she watched Olivia struggle, then be bundled into the trunk and Lewis drive out the garage.

Still staring at the screen, Alex slowly brought the cell phone to her ear and murmured, "Lewis Williams abducted Olivia."

* * *

"Go down to the lobby, _you_ said! Take the stairs, _you_ said! If _l_ had stayed in the hall, _none_ of this would've happened! _I_ could've stopped Lewis taking Liv."

"Or you or Olivia could've ended up like Brian when he left the apartment, Alex."

"Oh, so _now_ you believe? Earlier, _you_ thought Olivia was an _attemped murderer! _This is _all_ your fault, _Captain_!" Alex knew what she had just said was completely irrational, but she needed to vent and rage at someone before she completely broke down emotionally in front of everyone. Anger was much easier to deal with presently, no way in the world was Alexandra Cabot going to cry here. Later definitely yes, but not now. Unfortunately, Don Cragen was on the receiving end of the verbal tirade. She took a shaky breath, before apologising for the outburst.

"I already blame myself, Alex. l gave her 2 days, remember! lf you hadn't been having dinner with Liv, we'd more than likely be 2 days behind the 8-ball on this one. TARU's dumping all localised CCTV footage as we speak. We'll find her, I promise."

Ed Tucker called over his shoulder almost gleefully as he left, "Still doesn't disprove the theory Detective Benson shot Police Officer Cassidy."

That comment weighed heavily among everyone.

"He's right. The rat bastard's right. Only Olivia's prints will be on the gun. Lewis Williams burnt his all his off," Cragen grimaced.

Judith Siper walked over, "Just because he burned off his _fingerprints_, doesn't mean he didn't leave other evidence behind."

"But there's no DNA of his left to compare to," Don sighed. "That's how he got released last time."

"We mightn't have_ his_ DNA now, but we do have Olivia's to rule _her_ out. We have Brian's too. And just because Lewis burnt his fingerprints off, doesn't mean anything because he didn't burn his _palm_ prints off. They're just as distinct and individual as fingerprints," the CSU Captain replied.

* * *

"We're trying to contact his medical proxys, but it's after hours at the retirement home where his mother is, and his other proxy isn't currently contactable. We're still trying though," Munch explained to the doctor standing in front of him, covered in Brian's now dried blood. "Look, I don't need to know all the details because l'm not making a medical decision, but please as his co-worker, give me something."

"In all honesty Sergeant Munch, l suggest you pray for a miracle."

"I'm Jewish," John retorted.

The doctor looked up from his paper work, "So am I."

Munch exhaled heavily and dug out his cell phone again.

The doctor looked up, taking pity of the blood soaked man in front of him. "Mr Cassidy's lost a substancial volume of blood, and been without oxygen for significant amounts of time. He's critical, barely stable and we still have more tests to run. But honestly, l wouldn't be surprised if he's suffered some type of brain injury _if_ he survives. His loved ones should be prepared for the worst."

That's exactly what John Munch was afraid of.

* * *

Judith Siper managed to obtain a set of palm prints off the grip of the service weapon that distinctly weren't either Olivia Benson or Brian Cassidy. Luminol glowed brightly on the base plate of the magazine clip, and between the magazine clip and the butt of the grip. She doubted it was Brian's, as the gun wasn't near any of his blood on the sheets. The CSU Captain smiled, that meant someone with a larger grip than Olivia's fired the gun and got their finger pinched, breaking the skin severely enough to bleed. Siper knew as she swabbed the blood it wouldn't be Olivia Benson's, the NYPD made sure all guns fit each officer properly before issue. Now all they had to do was find the owner of the blood to find the missing detective.

* * *

Lewis studied the wound on his little finger as he drove along.

He'd been careless.

Sloppy.

He needed to show he was still in control. He craved that control.

He loved it even more when they begged, pleaded and handed over their control.

Someone needed to pay for his mistake.

One of the women in the trunk needed to pay for _his_ mistake.

He just hadn't decided who.

Yet.


	8. Chapter 8

AN: Yes, Tucker is a jerk, and I love to hate him too. And I agree, Lewis is very sick and twisted. I shudder to think how it's going to play out in the show. :-S. Please excuse me if l'm wrong on driving distance & time. I'm only working off Google Maps. All feedback and encouragements, as always is greatly appreciated. As are all the likes, faves, follows. It makes me want to write more. Constructive criticism is better than outright criticism for me :-).

* * *

Vanessa Mayer had regained consciousness some time ago, but the concept of time was lost for Olivia while in the trunk of the car. She figured 2 or 3 hours had passed perhaps, if she had to hazard a guess. For all she knew, Lewis could have been driving the perimeter of Central Park over and over again. But she did know the car stopped for a while some time after she was taken. Perhaps he'd stopped for gas? But it was difficult to tell with the engine still running.

The car suddenly pulled over, and the trunk opened. Olivia looked around, trying to see anything that might give her a clue as to where she was, but it was still dark. A bright flash of light blinded the detective, followed by a familiar sound of a polaroid type instant camera.

"Just a little snapshot as a momento," Lewis chuckled before taking another photograph, then slamming the trunk closed again. It was some time before he drove off again.

What seemed like more hours passed. Lewis Williams laughed to himself when he entered the outskirts of a town baring his name. The irony. But still he kept driving, though his destination wasn't much further for the mind games he was going to play with everyone.

The brunette noticed the road surface changed from highway smooth to unsealed rougher terrain, but that still could mean they were anywhere.

Eventually the car came to a complete stop and the trunk opened.

"Ladies, you can scream _all_ you want where we are, but _no-one_ will hear you. Because _no-one_ knows you're here," Lewis looked down at them, taunting maliciously.

He didn't need to cover the women's face when he frogmarched each them, one at a time, inside the dwelling's cellar with the gun at the back of their heads as it was still dark outside. A single solitary low wattage lightbulb barely lit the stone walls and floor of the square room that contained two toilets - one in each diagonally opposite corner - and not much else.

Sitting on a mattress on the floor with her back against the wall, a still gagged and visibly terrified Vanessa was already handcuffed one handed to a length of chain stretching the perimeter of her wall with antique handcuffs when Olivia entered. But Lewis didn't remove the detectives cuffs straight away and pocketed the gun. lf she ever wanted to see Alex again she had to keep her wits about her and stay alive, but she wouldn't give up without a fight. As he went to remove the gag, a surge of anger and adrenalin swept through Olivia. She headbutted him, making Lewis stumble backwards.

"And here I was being nice to you," he rubbed his forehead. Olivia snorted at the comment. "But it looks like you're gonna be a feisty one, Detective. Gotta settle you down before I uncuff you."

Lewis left the cellar for a while, locking the door behind him, then returning with a bottle of opened water. Grabbing Olivia around the throat he backed her up against the wall, "Now you either drink this, or l choke you to death like I did your super. Or I could shoot you like your boyfriend if you'd prefer. Your choice. Got it?" He put a little extra pressure on her neck as he waited a few moments before he moved the tape from Olivia's mouth.

"You probably drugged it. Rohypnol?" she stated.

He took a tiny sip himself and grinned, "Probably!"

She slowly drank some, spitting the mouthful in his face. She wouldn't give up control, if ever.

"Do that again, I hold your nose and pour it down your throat and I won't care if you drown," Lewis hissed in her ear, not bothering to wipe away the water trickling down his face.

Liv eyes darted around the darkened room.

Nowhere to run.

Nowhere to hide.

Nowhere to escape.

Trapped.

With much reluctance, Olivia opted for the lesser of the two evils and drank. As her eyes got progressively heavier waiting for the effect of the drugged water to take over, only one thought stayed with her.

Gotta stay alive for Alex.

Stay alive for Alex.

Alive for Alex.

For Alex.

Alex.

* * *

Eyelids still heavy and struggling to open, her vision slowly swam in and out of focus. Olivia hurt all over, and she couldn't understand why. Foggy snippets of recent memories came back slowly. Alex kissing her... breaking up with Brian... kissing Alex in the office... Alex coming back to SVU... Lewis killing Brian... being in the trunk... drinking something... something drugged... she'd been drugged...

Did he...?

Had he...?

She tried to move but her left wrist was shackled to the wall, and her body so very sore as she lay on a mattress.

Olivia _needed_ to know, as she went to sit up against the wall.

Slowly running her hand over her chest, she noted that her jacket was gone but her shirt was still on. She moved her fingertips beneath the shirt collar, her bra still in place. Sighing in relief, Liv rested her hand on her knee. Instantly, panic set in as she discovered her suit pants were missing. Olivia's hands inched slowly higher, her thighs tender and bruised. Olivia bit her bottom lip hard to stop the tears starting to sting her eyes, but emotion won over the physical pain as they slid down her cheeks. She let out a shallow shaky breath when she found her panties hadn't been taken. But still, she needed to know. Hesitantly, she gently slipped her hand inside her panties and cupped herself. A small choked sob escaped from her.

No pain.

No soreness.

No tenderness.

A small wave of relief washed over her.

"I don't think he did anything, if that's what you're wondering... I'm fairly certain he didn't rape you," Vanessa said quietly from the opposite side of the room, her head down to avoid looking at the detective.

"Then why am I so sore all over?" asked Olivia as she removed her hand.

"You fell quite heavily to the floor when you passed out. He didn't even try to catch you. Also he kicked you in the front and back of your thighs just to make sure you were unconscious, that's why you're sore and bruised," the defense attorney still kept her head down.

"So why did he take my pants?" Liv wondered aloud, still trying to shake the effects of the drugs off.

"I asked him that when he when he removed my gag. He punched me in the face..." Vanessa looked up at Olivia, dried blood from her nose still clearly visible on her face even in the dim light, "... and said to me, and I quote: _'Welcome to Mind Fuck, Maine. Hope you enjoy your stay, but I know you'll both be begging and pleading me to put you out of your misery by the time I'm finished with the both of you' _then he took my skirt, and both our watches too. He went away and came back with a bottle of water for each of us. Mine hasn't been opened... I mean the seal is still intact, so I can only assume yours hasn't been tampered with either. He took a photo of each of us again, then left immediately after that, but some time later I think I passed out or fell asleep for a short while from exhaustion. I checked myself the same way when I woke up and had no pain down there. I've been awake for a while now though, and he hasn't been back since."

* * *

It was after Morales reviewed the garage CCTV some more that the NYPD realised that Vanessa Meyer was abducted as well. TARU was able follow Vanessa Meyer's car on CCTV, but lost sight in Mamaroneck, heading towards the New York-Conneticut border.

APB's were issued for Olivia Benson, Vanessa Meyer and Lewis Williams in the Tri-State area, as everything was now in the hands of the Major Case squad. Several leads were followed with apartments, brownstones, storage lockers and businesses raided, but all turned up nothing. It was like they had all disappeared into thin air. All major news services ran stories of the shooting and kidnapping. Elliott Stabler made contact as soon as he was aware of the situation, offering to help in anyway he could. But in all honesty, even he knew: what could an now retired ex-SVU detective do that the Major Case squad weren't already doing?

* * *

Alex had stood in the bullpen only partially listening, as Mike Cutter made the official announcement on the Wednesday morning that she was rejoining SVU on July 1st. What was supposed to be a wonderful homecoming celebration for the ADA was instead very muted and sombre announcement, at best. As she made her way back to 1 Hogan Place, Alex wondered if that was what it was like for the squad... for Olivia, when she returned briefly for the Liam Connors trial but was returned to WitSec immediately. Uphoria to depression in a matter of days. At least Olivia knew Alex was alive back then.

But right now, the older woman that Alex Cabot loved more than she could ever imagine was gone.

Right now, Olivia had been taken before things could truly start between them.

Right now, she knew _nothing_ of the fate of Olivia Benson.

And right now, that's what pained the younger woman most of all.

* * *

Amanda Rollins surreptitiously peered around the squadroom to see if anyone was paying any attention to her as she inched the drawer of her desk open. Popping the cap off the little orange cylinder she palmed two pain pills - one more than prescribed - and washed them both down with a few gulps of water. Amanda blamed herself for Olivia's disappearance, as she waited for the medication to take the pain away. Whether it was for the pain in her shoulder from the shooting a few weeks earlier, or the emotional pain the entire squad was suffering, she wouldn't say nor admit to. To Amanda, if she hadn't relentlessly pursued this case, none of this would have happened.

Nick Amaro blamed himself for being a bad partner and allowing Olivia to leave without talking to her, or at the very least seeing her home safely. If only he hadn't wanted to see his children so much.

Odafin Tutuola blamed himself for taking no for an answer from Olivia when he suggested going to the bar to forget about the last week. If only he'd been more persuasive.

John Munch blamed himself for not being part of the Lewis Williams case to being with. If only he hadn't gone to Conspiracy Con 2013.

Don Cragen closed the bottom drawer of his desk to hide the tempting bottle of vodka when the mail arrived lunchtime Wednesday. He'd been staring at that clear bottle and its liquid contents more and more since Olivia was taken more than 40 hours ago. Even though the alcohol was now out of sight, it was not out of mind. Its siren song was getting sweeter, louder, stronger and more tempting with every passing moment. He felt what Alex had said to him in her outburst was right, it was his fault. He was blaming himself for Liv being taken and not the real culprit in all of this, Lewis Williams.

Sorting though the small pile, one blue square sized envelope stood out amongst the usual business type windowed ones, addressed to Captain Donald Cragen of the Special Victims Unit at the 16th Precinct in distinct cursive handwriting. Reaching for the paper knife from the desk set Marge gave him when he was promoted to Homicide Captain of the 27th Precinct, Don took in the post mark - Worcester, Massachusetts, and noted no name or return address. It wasn't unusual for the SVU team to receive letters, cards, photographs or progess updates from the then victims, now survivors of the heinous crimes they investigated. Perhaps it was from one of them with details inside? The Captain always took time to read these envelopes straight away. Slicing open the envelope, he reached in and removed two polaroid instant photographs that were facing each other being held together with a paperclip. That was a little unusual, as most photos were now printed out on paper, but it certainly wasn't out of the ordinary as instant cameras were still around. There was no note included, but a lot of the times a short note was written with the printed out photo.

Sliding the paperclip off, he flipped the top photograph over.

The blood drain from the Captain's face as he took in the images before him.

Lying prone, mouths gagged, and a car wheel arch clearly visible, the faces of Olivia Benson in one photograph and Vanessa Meyers in the other conveyed dread and fear.

A message written in the same distinct cursive beneath each instant photograph.

_She's alive, for now._

Donald Cragen reached for the telephone on his desk and pressed a number on speed dial, never once taking his eyes off the photos.

* * *

Alex stifled yet another yawn as entered her office at 1 Hogan. She was desperately fighting a loosing battle as she hadn't truly slept properly since Sunday night. Leaning against the closed the office door to pause a moment, the memory of Olivia backing her against that door and claiming her lips on Monday lunchtime came flooding back. The blonde couldn't believe the detective had remembered what gently stroking her abdomen did to her, even after all these years of that one night together. Then again, the ADA could easily pinpoint that special spot on the brunette's neck near her ear and how it made Olivia melt.

She hoped against all odds that Olivia was safe as she gathered some notes from her desk, then made her way to the couch to read over them. As her eyes got progressively heavier, the notes fluttered to the floor.

Finally, sheer exhaustion won the battle and allowed Alex Cabot to sleep.


	9. Chapter 9

AN: Re guest comment _"You know it is not necessary to say the older woman. We know her age, it is just not necessary." _Actually, we don't know Olivia's age other than she was born 1967-68 as Serena Benson was raped in 1967. Alex's birthday was given as May 31, 1968 (and is supposedly only 5' 6"!), in Ghost but I like to think that Alex was born around 1972-1974, more around Stephanie's age. Now addressing the comment, yes, it's not necessary, but as a writer, please try to understand that the constant repetition of Alex did this, Olivia said that, Alex, Olivia, Alex, Olivia... it gets boring. So, sometimes we like to mix it up and use different ways to explain who we're referring to :-). Hence using the cliché older/younger; Detective/ADA; blonde/brunette; taller/shorter; brown/blue eyes; olive/pale skin tone. I know I've used Detective/ADA and blonde/brunette more so, but I think from memory it was the first time I'd used the older/younger descriptive in the story thus far, so I'm happy with that :-) But hey, if you know of other ways to use who to refer to _without_ the name repetition or the cliché ways, just let me know :-). I'm certainly not intending the older/younger description to be derogatory, because IMO older women are hot! And seeing Olivia, Alex, Mariska and Stephanie are older than me... yeah. :-)

AN2: Thankyou to each and every one of you gals (and maybe some guys?) for all the encouragement. :-) Constructive criticism is better than outright criticism, as always :-). Again, I know nothing about guns, nor am I a medical expert. So apologies if I'm wrong regarding anything about them. And apologies for taking longer than I intended to update the story with this chapter. But I make **NO** apologies **WHATSOEVER** for the length nor **M** rating of this chapter. Honestly there was no good place to break at, I'm sure you'll understand. ;-)

AN3: Credit to Amanda Green, the SVU writer of the episode 'Ghost', for the beginning. Ep References: Ghost; Escape; Lowdown; Victims; Loss. Yep, that is all :-)

* * *

Alex vaguely heard Elliott Stabler say something about beauty sleep, 8 o'clock and court, but the ex-ADA only had eyes for the woman that had just entered the motel room. Even though she'd seen Liv earlier in the day when she walked into ADA Casey Novak's office, having now just seen Olivia Benson swagger into the room in her leather jacket, jeans and a radiant smile brought a goofy grin to the blonde's own mouth. Even after all this time Alex clearly remembered what Olivia looked like - the image was seared into her memory - it was also like seeing the brunette for the first time. Hair a little longer and lighter, but other than that, she was exactly the same.

Utterly breathtaking.

"He beat you again?" Olivia asked, clearly aware how good Elliott was at backgammon. She had learnt very early on after being partnered with the ex-Marine, _never_ to play backgammon for money with him. But then again, Elliott had learnt_ neve_r to play Texas hold'em with Olivia Benson.

"Urgh, like a rug!" Alex groaned.

Olivia walked over and dropped her bag down on the chair near the double bed, "You wanna keep playing?" she asked as she removed her jacket. Her undershirt and T-shirt clinging to her body like a second skin.

Good Lord, had she always worn them _that_ tight?! And was she always_ that_ big?!

Oh geez.

"Nah," Alex responded, then sighed heavily. "I wish these windows opened. I... I wanna smell the city."

"You mean the.. ahh... rotting garbage and diesel exhaust?"

"Wisconsin is _so_ quiet at night. Sometimes when I get homesick, I hum the 'Mr. Softee' song."

Olivia grinned at how adorable that would be, to see and hear Alexandra Cabot hum about the creamiest, dreamiest soft ice cream.

"You making any friends?" Liv asked quietly as she sat down, noting the wistfully sad smile ghost across Alex's lips.

The tone of Alex's voice changed from mere moments ago, sadness rising to the surface, "There's a claims adjuster at the insurance agency where I work... and we've been seeing each other. He's a good man... he thinks I'm from Tulsa... and when we're in bed together at night, he whispers my name... Emily." Alex's eyes darted around the room, out the window, anywhere but at Olivia so she wouldn't burst into tears. She promised herself she wouldn't do that, not tonight.

The detective saw Alex was at the precipice of breaking down, tears already welling in the blonde's eyes, and sympathised with her, "It's hard to be someone that you're not."

Perhaps Alex had finally found someone, even if she was living a lie. After everything the blonde had been through, she certainly deserved happiness. Or maybe it wasn't happiness? Maybe it was that dark place people don't like to admit to visiting, a place where people fear ridicule for being perceived as weak. Olivia certainly hoped it wasn't the latter. She already aware that Alex suffered from anxiety and insomnia.

Alex had to change the subject immediately, "I can't stop thinking like a prosecutor! Connors is gonna sit in that courtroom tomorrow, looking like a... choirboy! He is going to charm the jury with his Irish brogue, and... and _I_ have to make them see who he really is! But..." she sighed with frustration, as Olivia walked across the room and grabbed a folder out of her bag, "... I don't even know what makes him tick!"

"Alex... " Liv paused a moment, weighing up everything as she knew what she was doing was going against everything she knew as a member of the NYPD, but it was the only way to help. "You didn't see this file."

Opening the manila folder, Alex briefly looked at the contents, then back up at Olivia. A police file on Liam Connors.

Olivia Benson was breaking the law... for her.

* * *

"Detective Benson, what you've just shown me is utterly and completely illegal!" Alex chastised from the small dining table she was sitting at as she closed the folder, then added with sincerity, "Thankyou."

"Think of it as a kind of 'returning the favour' for all the times you helped our cases by calling in favours, the least I could do was help with yours," replied Olivia as she stashed the folder back into her overnight bag, then placed her gun and badge on the lamp table. Returning to the table she continued, "Hey, I'm sorry about Novak's abruptness in her office earlier today. She's completely pissed that El and I didn't tell her that you're alive, but I don't know what she expected though? We didn't even tell Dad until he found out."

"I was probably a little short with her myself when I suggested we keep preparing my testimony and she said she thought we were ready, I hit back immediately with _'Are you?'_. Then again, I understand why she'd be pissed at you and Elliott. I would've reacted the same way if..." she couldn't bring herself to finish that sentence.

A heavy silence hung in the motel room.

"What's been happening with you, Liv? You seeing anyone?" Alex asked making small talk.

Olivia couldn't talk to Casey like she could with Alex. She had no secrets to hide from the former ADA, they had always been very open with each other in their friendship from the beginning. Except for their true feelings for each other. They knew they had a 'thing', but before either could make a move, Alex 'died'. Would either of them ever have the courage?

"I had to work with an old and _very brief_ boyfriend Andy Eckerson. He asked me out afterwards, but I shot him down very fast. Didn't want to relive _that_ mistake because he's still the idiot he always was." Olivia took a deep breath before continuing, "And we had to investigate the murder of another old boyfriend of mine, Jeff York."

Alex didn't know what to say so she reached over and gave Olivia's hand a squeeze.

"It was a shock. I knew he was bi like us, but he preferred men. The real shock was when I found out he was HIV positive. I'd slept with him only once, and we'd used protection... I got tested and I'm clean, but that was a _real_ scare for me. I now have an idea what Elliott went through when he thought he might have got HIV. Now the squad makes sure to get tested every 3 months religiously as a precaution, particularly with all the crime scenes we go to."

"I'm glad you're ok. I made sure to get tested for everything after my blood transfusions after the shooting. Clean bill of health too," Alex replied. "But you cleverly avoided my _other_ question!"

"Ah, well... you know, with work and all... I'm kinda only seeing... Mr Jack Rabbit."

"A.K.A. Mr Dil Doe. And his best friend, Ms Vi Brator. I know the joke and understand. I still see them regularly too," Alex winked and squeezed Liv's again. "You'll find someone someday, Olivia. I know you will. Perhaps one day I will too."

"So, tell me more about this claims adjuster friend of yours?" Olivia steered the subject back to a hopefully more pleasant direction.

Alex suddenly stood up and walked back over to the window to look out over the city. Hugging herself, she pressed her forehead against the cool window pane and shrugged, "What's to tell really? He travels quite a lot with work in the rural areas of Wisconsin, so I only got to see him every so often. But as I said, he's a good man. I know he'll make a great husband and father for that someone special, but I know without a shadow of a doubt that someone special _isn't_ me. Perhaps if I'd met him under completely different circumstances and maybe in another lifetime, things might have worked out. But it doesn't matter now anyway... it's not as if Emily will ever see him again."

Olivia stood next to Alex and scanned the skyline, whilst sneaking looks at the blonde out the corner of her eye.

"They're packing up everything Wisconsin as we speak. Emily Richards ceased to exist the moment I agreed to return..." Alex desperately fought back the tears for what she had to say next, "And Alex Cabot will once again cease to exist again as soon as this trial is over."

Liv whipped her head around to look at Alex as the façade crumbled, tears sliding down the blonde's cheeks. "Don't act so surprised Liv... actually, _do_ act surprised because before you got here tonight Elliott hinted that he might have a little something planned after the trial. I'm not supposed to let anyone know..." she took a shaky breath, "As soon as the trial is over, I'll start learning my new identity. I could be Stephanie from Texas... or Theresa from Phoenix... or Jenny from Orlando fucking Florida for all I know!"

Pulling Alex onto her arms, Olivia slowly stroked her hand up and down the blonde's back to calm the sobbing woman who'd buried her face in the curve of the detective's neck.

Olivia soothed her over and over, letting the distraught woman take her time. After a few minutes the sobs died down, the brunette eventually resting her hand on the small of Alex's back. Liv shrugged her shoulder a few times to get Alex's attention, and added with her lopsided grin "Hey, it could be worse... You could be _Lexi_ from Lexington."

Alex pulled back slightly and choked out a sob, not knowing whether to laugh or cry at the suggestion. "Knowing my luck, they would name me_ that_. Make me remember the relentless bullying I had through high school when I admitted to someone I _thought_ I could trust that I was bisexual. By the end of the day the entire class was adamant I was a lesbian, so 'Sexy Lexi Lesbian' was born. After a while, it became just_ Lexi_ so none of the teachers would suspect anything," she retorted as Olivia cupped her cheek, gently wiping away the tears with her thumb.

Whether the blonde had consciously or unconsciously leant into the hand on her cheek, neither women couldn't tell, but the detective had definitely noticed.

"I remember you telling me. And do _you_ remember I had pretty much the same experience in my final year of high school, but mine was 'Livvy the Lezzy', that's why I dislike Livvy as much as you dislike Lexi. At least for you they got the sexy part right," Liv flirted, then added with sincerity "I promise I'll _never_ call you that, Alex."

"Olivia, I just want to _be_ Alex Cabot again and I can't even _be me_ for the short time I'm here! With Liam Connors aware that I'm still alive, Cesar Velez will know by now and security will be tightened even more. Jack Hammond and the US Marshals won't let me out of their sight! Tomorrow night I'll be in a different motel room, and I'll be in a different motel every _single_ night the trial is on. I had to beg and plead so that you and Elliott could even watch over me tonight because I may never even get to see _you_ again."

Both women knew it was a possibility they might not ever see each other again, or at the very least: a very long time. Olivia's last question to Alex had been 'How long?' when she and Elliott had discovered Alex had entered WPP. Alex's reply was just a shrug of her shoulders and a slight shake of her head. She didn't know then, and she didn't know now. It was only by chance they were even here presently. If Elena and Jason Brevet hadn't stolen any money while laundering Casa Vega Enterprises Colombian drug money, Alex would still be living as Emily in Wisconsin at this very moment and everyone would be none the wiser.

Instead, here they were alone with each other in a New York motel room for the next 12 hours. Desire that had always simmered and bubbled just below the surface between the women, slowly rebuilding.

"Hey, you know you can always be yourself in front of me. No matter what name and background they come up with for you, _you'll always be_ Alex Cabot. You said so yourself, you can't stop thinking like a prosecutor, because that's_ who Alex Cabot is_! Because Alex Cabot lives in_ here_." Olivia moved her hand from Alex's cheek, placing it over Alex's heart and breast. "Alex Cabot _always has_ and Alex Cabot _always will_. Even if she has to become Stephanie from Texas, Theresa from Phoenix, or Jenny from Orlando fucking Florida!"

Staring into the brown eyes darkening with desire before her, Alex hesitantly placed her own hand on top on Olivia's hand and murmured, "You always know how to make a person feel better. To make me feel better."

"All part of the Benson charm," she smiled, glancing longingly at Alex's lips.

The sexual tension in the room was becoming more charged by every passing moment. The question was: Would they finally act on it?

"Are you flirting with me?" Alex knew perfectly well that Olivia was. She swallowed thickly, trying to slow her heart rate with a steadying breath, although Olivia was already aware that Alex's heart rate had increased dramatically under her hand.

Leaning in slowly to make her intentions quite clear, Liv whispered her reply, "Always."

Weaving her other hand around to Olivia's nape, Alex drew her even closer, halting teasingly a mere inch from detective intended destination. Each giving the other the time and opportunity to back out if they truly wanted to.

"Are you sure you want to do this?" Alex's warm breath tickled Olivia's face.

"Yes. You?" breathed the detective.

Alex responded by claiming Olivia's lips.

Tongues, lips and hands languidly and gently explored mouths, curves and covered skin. Even thought they only had a relatively short time alone together tonight, they both sensed this wouldn't and couldn't be an urgent and frenzied fuck against a wall or door. This would be slow and tender, a beautiful memory to cherish forever.

Reluctantly breaking their kiss, Olivia tugged at the bottom of Alex's sweater, "Lift your arms up."

"No... I can't," Alex's hand suddenly clamped around Olivia's wrist, halting any progress.

Immediately taking several steps back towards the bed to give them space, Olivia started to apologise profusely, "I'm so sorry Alex. I... I thought we both wanted... I would _never_ force... I'm sorry... I didn't mean -"

"Olivia, don't jump to conclusions! I'm not saying no I can't do this, because I want this as much as you. I'm just saying I can't lift my arms up properly. My right shoulder... it still twinges sometimes when I move it certain ways. Just give me a second please," Alex explained, as she grasped at the right sleeve, pulling her right arm back through to the body of the sweater. Hoping she hadn't completely ruined the moment, Alex walked back over to Olivia and pulled her back up into her arms. "It's also the reason I'm wearing a front fastening bra," she said huskily in the brunette's ear before reclaiming Olivia's mouth in a hungry, wet kiss.

Olivia returning the kiss with fervor. Reaching up to undo the twist Alex had put her hair up in, an electrifying shiver ran through Olivia's body when Alex gently suckled on her tongue. Moisture pooling low for the detective at the thought of those lips on her breasts. Her body. Lower.

Good Lord.

Tugging once again at the hem of the sweater, Alex lifted her left arm up without any further prompting from Liv. Inch by inch the pale torso and lavender satin bra of Alex Cabot was revealed. Once removed, Olivia quickly discarded her own T-shirt and undershirt to stand there in her black bra and jeans. Each woman drank in the glorious sight of the other before her.

Then Olivia saw it.

The bullet scar peeking out from beneath the bra strap.

Tears suddenly threatened to spill from brown eyes. She knew the 'official' story by heart: As the surgeons prepared for an emergency thoracotomy, ADA Alexandra Cabot bled out on the operating table from a GSW to the right shoulder, nicking her Subclavian artery an hour after being shot.

The detective knew that puckered wound on her shoulder beguiled the other wounds Alex had suffered - the mental and emotional wounds associated with her shooting. She didn't know how sensitive Alex was about her scar, but an overwhelming need to show how much it had pained her believing Alex had died because she hadn't protected the then SVU's ADA, and how much she truly cared and loved Alex, even though she had never uttered the words, made Olivia tentatively draw the bra strap just off Alex's shoulder and place a long featherlight kiss on it.

"It's because of you, I'm alive now. I'll be forever grateful to you," Alex ran her fingertips over the broad expanse of the brunette's back, before Olivia recaptured her lips.

With practiced ease, Alex unclipped Olivia's bra with a flick of her wrist and removed it completely. Dark nipples quickly tightened in the coolness of the room before Alex alternately lavished attention on each of them with tongue and teeth.

Nipping.

Lapping.

Suckling.

Caressing.

Olivia relished the lovingly gentle assault Alex was bestowing on her. It had been too long. Far too long. Even though she was bisexual, over the years Olivia came to realise not all men truly understood the joy and art of foreplay. At its worst: a quick grope here, a none to gentle fondle there and maybe a couple of kisses thrown in for good measure, if she were lucky, wasn't really Olivia Benson's idea of getting in the mood (nor being fallen asleep upon during sex). But the women she had been with... well, the term _'a woman knows what a woman wants'_ was oh so very true.

In a heavy haze of arousal, Olivia wasn't even aware Alex had unbuttoned and unzipped her jeans until she felt them pool around her ankles. Abandoning the nipple in her mouth with a soft pop, and a last quick flick of her tongue for good measure, Alex gave her a cheeky grin as she looked down to see Olivia Benson standing there in black panties.

"H-how?" Olivia tried to comprehend what just happened, but trailed off as her attention was drawn to Alex as she shimmied her jeans over her hips, letting them fall to the floor and stepped out of them. Matching lavender panties.

Oh god.

Kicking her own jeans and shoes off, Olivia reached her hand out to stop Alex as she went to unto her own bra, "Please?"

Alex relented after a moments hesitation. "I know my boobs aren't as big as yours Liv, but-"

Olivia silenced her with a brief kiss.

"But nothing, Alex. They're a perfect handful, and that's all they ever need to be. Don't you _dare_ let anyone else tell you otherwise," Olivia kept eye contact with the blonde, cupping Alex's breasts gently in her hands hoping not to make Alex feel too self-conscious.

Olivia removed the bra and maddeningly teased Alex's nipples with the pads of her thumb to stiff peaks. Lowering her head, she placed a kiss on the freckle between Alex's breasts then captured a perky pink nipple in her mouth. Threading her hands through shaggy cropped hair, Alex groaned at the deliciousness of Olivia's mouth and tongue on her, and couldn't help but get even more wet.

Both men and women she had been with over the years had commented that maybe she should consider the 'benefit' of enhancement, but Alex personally wasn't overly worried her breasts weren't larger. She could get away without wearing a bra when she really wanted to, but the barrage of suggestions to _'make them bigger and she would look even hotter'_ was what truly hurt the most from people that were supposed to love her. Olivia was the first to not suggest anything of the sort, but to reassure her she was perfect.

Alex whimpered in protest when Olivia released her nipple and sat on the end of the bed, but stopped when Olivia parted her thighs and beckoned for Alex to stand in the space she'd just made. The detective watched in rapt fascination as Alex's abdomen quivered each time she brushed the blonde's stomach with her lips and her hands lazily trailed up and down the back of Alex's thigh.

"You like that?" she whispered, placing a kiss just below Alex's navel.

"You have... no idea," Alex's voice trembled as she placed a hand on Olivia's shoulder to steady herself. She didn't know how much longer she could stand up after this kind of sensory onslaught.

Liv had some idea as not only could she smell Alex's heady arousal, she could also see it darkening the front of the lavender panties. Hooking her thumbs at the sides of Alex's panties, Olivia looked up at the beauty standing before her and waited. Alex glanced down and nodded her permission. Gliding the panties down over slim hips painfully and deliberately slow, it took all of Olivia's willpower to suddenly stop and rest her hands on Alex's hips. Alex tried to comprehend what had happened, but her brain was clouded in a fuzzy fog.

"You have a tattoo," murmured Olivia in awe.

Alex looked down as Olivia looked up. Without breaking eye contact, Olivia extended her tongue and dragged a long broad lick over the peace sign low on her right hip. Alex moaned at the eroticism, more wetness flooded the underwear that now barely covered her. Distracting the former ADA, Olivia gently bit then suckled the small work of body art, lightly bruising the pale skin beneath. Soothing the blemish with her tongue, she resumed pulling the purple garment down and letting gravity take it to the floor, revealing Alexandra Cabot completely.

Naked.

Glistening.

Sensing Alex was becoming slightly overwhelmed, Olivia guided her to lay down on to the bed. When Liv went to remove her own panties so Alex wouldn't feel as vulnerable, Alex reached out and placed her hands on top of Olivia's. The look in Alex's eyes told Olivia everything she couldn't say. Together they removed the black underwear from Olivia's body.

Bare.

Swollen.

Crawling back on to the bed to hover between the bent long legs of the blonde goddess below her for a time, Olivia reclaimed Alex's mouth. Tongues duelling for dominance. Hands exploring skin. Breasts and nipples lightly brushing. Breaking apart, Olivia slowly began to pepper Alex's body with open mouth kisses, working her way down.

Mouth.

Chin.

Throat.

Scar.

Sternum.

Breast.

Breast.

Navel.

Abdomen.

Hip.

Hip tattoo.

Inner thigh.

Inner thigh.

Then the most intimate kiss of all, tasting the true essence of Alexandra Cabot for the first time.

The blonde grasped blindly to hold onto anything, one grabbed a fistful of bed linen. The other hand entwined with one of Olivia's hooked under her bent knee, resting low on Alex's abdomen to steady her hips.

Teasing the bundle of nerves between her lips with the tip of her tongue, Olivia entered Alex's warm, tight core. First one finger, then another. Alternating the pattern of slowly curling and thrusting over and over again. Tiny mewls and whimpers of sheer ecstasy escaping from Alex as she spiralled higher and higher, tightening her grip of their entwined hands. Cresting and crashing over the edge, she arched off the bed with a sharp cry, rhythmically clenching the digits buried within her. Olivia slowed her movements to draw out Alex's pleasure, showering inner thighs with barely there kisses.

Groaning her displeasure as Olivia removed her fingers, Alex replaced it with a groan of delight when Olivia settled on top of her and kissed her, letting the former ADA taste herself on the detective's mouth.

No words were spoken, both content exactly where they were to savour the moment of the afterglow as the minutes ticked by, embraced in each others arms.

Breast to breast.

Centre to centre.

Neither wanting this night to end. But luckily for both women, there was still a lot of night left.

Alex reached up and grazed the back of her knuckles down Olivia's cheek as they resumed lazily kissing each other.

The moment was broken by a sudden and sharp knock at the motel door.

Scrambling out of bed, only one thought going through Olivia's head: Protect Alex at all costs.

"Alex! Bathroom! Now!" Liv snatched up gun on the lamp table and clicked off the safety.

"Olivia!... OLIVIA!" Alex growled.

"WHAT?!" Liv hissed as she stalked over to the motel door, turning back around as a towelling robe was thrown at her head.

"YOU'RE NAKED!" Alex tried not to laugh due to the seriousness of the situation, and locked the bathroom as another loud knock at the motel door could be heard.

* * *

An abrupt knock at the door awoke Alex. She looked around to take in her surrounding. She wasn't in a motel bathroom, she was on her couch in her office at 1 Hogan.

"Coming!" Alex called out. As she stood up, the throbbing between her legs became abundantly apparent. 'Well, certainly not now! GOD! Why do people always fucking interrupt?!' she screamed in her mind as she squeezed her legs together to relieve some pressure.

At least it hadn't been a dream, it was a memory.

A very real memory that she could revisit.

A very real memory that she would revisit.

Often.

The rest of that night and next morning was just... bliss.

She would relive it in her mind again, and very soon.

Quickly straightening her clothes and running a hand through her hair, the ADA opened the door to the unwelcome intruder.

"Don? What is it? Is it Olivia?! Have they found her?!"

"They haven't found her yet, Alex. But I thought you needed to know, we know both she and Vanessa are alive," Donald Cragen explained.

Alex's brow creased, "How?"

"Lewis Williams made contact."

* * *

Yes, Stephanie March has a freckle there, and a tattoo there. Just search 'Stephanie March tattoo', and the Daily Mail article entitled "Stephanie March prowls around in an animal print bikini on day off" will reveal all :-)


	10. Chapter 10

AN: Re - Lesya74 _"I thought his name was William Lewis?"_. After double checking the allthingslawandorder blog, it was William Lewis at the beginning of the episode, but then after re-running the info through ViCAP again with surrounding states he lived in, it was discovered that his name was actually Lewis Williams :-) Lewis Williams (born Kentucky; abducted/raped mother's girlfriend 15 years earlier), Louis Williams (2003 Alabama), William Lucas (2010 Maryland), William Lewis (2013 NYC). So I've stuck with his real name for consistancy. Re - butterfly2202 _"The tattoo"._ I didn't know about it either until the pics appeared on A/O tumblrs/livejournals. Stephanie confirmed it was a peace sign on Twitter. So I figured if Steph has it, Alex has to have it too. Makes Alex, I don't know, a little naughty, something unexpected under those good girl suits, and something for only very special detectives to see ;-). Had to give a little nod to Steph and her Texas home too ;-) Re: tummer22 "_John & Conspiracy Con 2013"._ Had to explain his lack of appearance in the show somehow (wish he was on the show more!), it was just sheer good luck and timing that the actual Conspiracy Con 2013 was in California June 1-2! So I made it have an East Coast event a couple weeks earlier ;-). Loved Munch's appearance in X-Files :-)

AN2: Thankyou for all the feedback, encouragements etc. You gals are awesome :-)

* * *

_**Tempus Fugit.**_

A Latin phrase first used by the Roman poet Virgil meaning _'time flees'_, but better known around the world today as _'time flies'_.

Though it would be difficult to acertain anything related to time, when a woman is handcuffed to a chain on a wall in a dark cellar, with no windows and only a low watt lightbulb to brighten the room... and a woman on the other side of the room in the exact same predicament as the other.

Lewis Williams didn't care for actual time, they were just numbers on a clock face with pointy hands spinning around. Maybe if he'd invented time, he'd have been interested. But he hadn't, so he wasn't. Sure, there was daytime and nighttime, but for Lewis it was either time to eat, time to sleep, time for control, time for mind games, time to persuade, and time to punish.

Lewis Williams knew exactly what the time was right now.

It was time to punish someone for his mistake. The control had faltered and he wanted it back.

How could he have been so stupid as to injure himself, possibly leaving DNA behind?

He didn't care now though, he always got away with everything he did. Even when he was a little boy. He never broke the lamp, the cat did. He never set fire to the leaf pile, his best friend did. He never started the fight, the other kid did. It was always someone else that took the blame. Even when there wasn't anyone else to take the blame, he got away with it. His favourite quote as he grew older: 'Prove it'. When he knew things were getting closer to being proven, whatever the situation, he changed the rules to suit himself and his agenda. And then there were those who tried to control the situation and him, like the mother of his girlfriend 15 years ago.

Interfering bitch.

He was always in control of every situation. Always thinking ahead for all possible outcomes for all situations. He had to be in control. He craved control. It gave him so much pleasure when they gave over their control so willingly. When he wasn't given control freely, he did anything he could to be given it, including torture. He never saw it as stealing control, stealing was very wrong, but doing anything in his means possible to given it willingly.

A reward.

A gift.

After it was given, well... the possibilities were endless.

_'Please don't hurt me! I'll do anything you want!' _they snivel.

Anything was right.

They never want to die, no-one does. Unfortunately sometimes... accidents happen. But there was always another to take it's place.

They usually relented quickly with the threat of death, though. Sometimes it took more... persuasion.

A punch to the face. _'Please don't hurt me! I'll do anything you want!'_

The tearing of hair. _'Please don't hurt me! I'll do anything you want!'_

The slicing of skin. _'Please don't hurt me! I'll do anything you want!'_

The burning of flesh. _'Please don't hurt me! I'll do anything you want!'_

The squeezing of throats. _'Please don't hurt me! I'll do anything you want!'_

The removal of clothes. _'Please don't hurt me! I'll do anything you want!'_

A kick to the thighs, or even the crotch. _'Please don't hurt me! I'll do anything you want!'_

But with the possession of a gun, it was even more thrilling. And now with an NYPD Officer's weapon, well that's just icing on the cake.

He glanced down at the photos he'd taken after they arrived, a some several hours ago.

Having that stupid fucking lawyer and nosy bitch detective under the house was definitely a high, like a drug. No-one knew where they were, no-one would suspect. The red head's face was all bloodied from the punch, and the brunette was passed out from the drugged water. Those dumb cops would be looking around Worcester, Massachusetts as soon as his first envelope arrived. He walked over to the crisp new map on the wall, pushed a coloured pin board tack into that location, then studied it carefully. It covered from New York State though to Maine. His brain worked overtime. Where could he send these new photos from? He could never send them from the same location twice. He snorted a laugh when his eyes landed on Lewiston, Maine. That amused him greatly, but no, he couldn't send the photos from there. Too close from his current location. Maybe later? Maybe he could go for a nice drive to Rochester, New Hampshire and make those cops think he's travelling in that direction. It would also give those bitches in the cellar some time to reflect... after one of them was punished.

Pausing a moment to dig around for a cigarette lighter in the kitchen drawer, he figured the lawyer would crumble first. Easy, weak target. New born lamb. He overpowered her so simply after she paid his bail. Not so easy was the detective. He's have to keep her under lock and key at all times. He would have fun with the detective after all the 'hypotheticals' he'd told her. The real question was: would the detective try and play the superhero and offer herself in place of the weakling? It was a possibility, but either way he'd be punishing someone.

Flicking the spark wheel, he watched the flame dance before his eyes for a few seconds then extinguished it. The Boy Scouts motto is 'Be Prepared', after all.

Gun? Check.

Cuff keys? Check.

Lighter? Check.

Cigarettes? Check.

That'll do for a start, he thought. A cruel smile curled at the corners of his mouth.

"Fun times ahead."

* * *

Olivia and Vanessa whipped their heads around when the sound of the bolt being slid open broke the current prolonged silence, with each woman having been lost in their own thoughts again. It had been a little different some time earlier...

"You know, we wouldn't be here if you'd done your job correctly and got better evidence against him, Detective!" Vanessa snarked, tugging weakly at the antique handcuffs.

"Hey, he's _YOUR_ client! _YOU_ got bail approved and _YOU_ paid it yourself! Also if you've already forgotten, let me refresh your memory: he's done this sort of thing _BEFORE_! A few times actually! The evidence was good! And there was enough to convict! He'd be rotting in Rikers by now!" Olivia spat back, mentally adding 'Especially if Alex had been the one nailing his ass to the wall.'

****Silence****

"It's my fault, Detective. I believed him when he said he was innocent, when he said your squad was out to get him. That_ YOU_ were out to get him. Everyone has the presumption to innocence until proven guilty," Vanessa's voice faltered, fighting back the tears.

"You're right, innocent until proven guilty. But no, it's _not your_ fault. It's _HIS_ fault. I'm really sorry, Vanessa. I shouldn't have taken my frustrations out on you. And you can call me Olivia."

"Ok... Umm, do you think... he's going to do... to us... like what he did to all the others?"

Olivia's mind screamed 'Yes', but responded with, "Let's hope not."

****Silence****

"Umm Olivia... can you... god, this is so embarrassing..."

"What's wrong? You won't embarrass yourself."

"Could you... look away... and count aloud to 30 or something? I gotta pee! I'm not sure if I can go with an audience."

Olivia sighed, tilted her head back to rest against the wall and focused on the ceiling, "One... two... three... four... five..."

****Silence****

"Vanessa? Would anyone realise you're missing? Friends? Your partner?"

"No. My parents are in Ohio, and haven't been in a relationship for 6 months... Oh, God! No-one knows!"

"They'll know. The NYPD will be looking for us. I heard the sirens when Lewis put me in the trunk when you were passed out," Olivia recalled. Alex had been so near then, but who knows how far away she was now? Were they really in Maine? At least Liv protected the woman she loved from the Beast, when she cryptically sent her to contact Cragen. Alex was safe, and that's all Olivia needed to know.

****Silence****

"Do you want me to look away and count to 30 while you go?"

"Sure, if that'll make you more comfortable. It's not as if either of us has the luxury of privacy right now," Olivia said to the redhead.

"One... two... three... four... five..."

****Silence****

"Did he really shoot your boyfriend?"

It was the first time Olivia had really reflected on what had occurred in her apartment. Liv took a steadying breath, letting sudden tears fall silently before answering, "Ahh... yeah. He ahh... he shot and killed the guy I'd been seeing... in cold blood. Brian begged him... and he just... shot him. No remorse. I watched Brian bleed out... and take his last breath."

"I'm really sorry Brian was killed," Vanessa sympathised.

"Me too," murmured Olivia.

****Silence****

"Olivia, sorry if this sounds a bit harsh... maybe it's because what's happened to us, but... you don't seem too distraught. I'd be inconsolable if someone I loved was killed in front of me."

"We'd just broken up... but... he didn't deserve to die. He was a good guy," Olivia responded, wiping away a tear sliding down her cheek that was immediately replaced by another. Tears shed for a friend, a fellow colleague, a fallen brother in blue. What Vanessa said was absolutely right though, she had been inconsolable when Alex 'died'. The break down during the drive home with Cragen opened the flood gates, but after Olivia was shown that Alex had entered WPP those few days later, whilst upsetting, Alex was alive and that's all that mattered to the brunette. She shuddered to think if it had been Alex that had been killed by Lewis Williams.

"You weren't in love with Brian, were you?"

"I cared for him, and I thought I might love him. But no, I wasn't in love with him. I'm in love with someone else... have been _in love_ with someone else for a _very_ long time. I _finally_ worked up the courage to see if we could be together only days ago... and now all _this shit_ happened." Olivia responded, adding barely above a whisper, "I... I've never even said 'I love you'."

****Silence****

"How long?"

"Huh?"

"How long have you been in love with this someone else?" If Vanessa had noticed the lack of specifying a gender, she never said anything.

"Over a decade." Olivia knew exactly how long, since mid September 2000 when a young fresh faced ADA was assigned after the Morris Commission.

"Wow! That's a long time to be in love with someone and not do anything."

"Well, there've been a few... complications... along the way, and both of us broke a promise we _each_ made to one another," Olivia said, listing a few of the complications in her head: Wit Sec, Robert Shelton, Alex's issues, International Criminal Court. Liv didn't list her own contributing complications, she already knew what part they'd played in breaking her _own_ promise she made to Alex that night at the motel, before they fell asleep. Both she and Alex had discussed these issues and the broken promise they made to the other, sometimes very heatedly after Alex returned to replace Kim Greylek. Blazing rows for some would be a better description. Thankfully they had since apologised profusely for breaking their respective promise and slowly made amends with the dinner get-togethers after Alex's ICC tenure, eventually returning to their comfortable flirting stage.

****Silence****

Olivia and Vanessa whipped their heads around when the sound of the bolt being slid open was heard. Lewis walked in with a breakfast tray of food, juice and tacky little vase with a plastic flower poking out. The smell of buttery cinnamon toast and crispy bacon wafted around the room. A small jug of warmed maple syrup on the side completed the meal. Neither woman had eaten since before they'd been taken and their stomachs reminded them of the fact.

"You ladies hungry? I would be an inconsiderate host if I didn't feed you," Lewis said with a hint of sarcasm, as he placed the tray on the ground and left the room again.

Draining the mug of coffee he'd made for himself after his own meal, Lewis looked at the small bottle of clear fluid. Liquid GHB was much easier to mask in the sweet maple syrup due to its sodium content than Rohypnol. He was certain they'd avoid the juice, that would be an obvious way to drug someone after the initial drugging of the detective.

Returning, he saw Olivia's eyelids getting heavy again, but Vanessa had only eaten the toast and bacon. As predicted, the juice was untouched.

"Time to separate the two of you for a while," he crouched down and whispered to Olivia, stroking her cheek. She moaned a small protest, pulling away as best she could.

"Don't hurt us, Lewis! I'll do anything! Anything at all, just don't hurt us, please!" Vanessa cried from across the room.

Those words.

Change of plan.

A salacious smile curled his lips.

A beautiful gift to good to refuse.

"Begging just like all the others, Vanessa! Such a good girl!" he cooed softly, unlocking the cuff attached to the chain and dragging the young defense lawyer out of the cellar by her hair.

As Olivia struggled desperately to stay awake again, the current prolonged silence was broken with the screams of unbridled terror from elsewhere in the cabin.

* * *

Don Cragen had phoned Major Case and CSU immediately upon laying eyes on the photographs from the blue square envelope. After he personally told the ADA at her office, the SVU Captain refused point blank to let Alex see the photo of Olivia when she demanded it, he knew no good would come of it. The fear in Olivia's eyes was too much for him to bear himself. He knew Alex was already walking a tightrope of emotions with Olivia's disappearance, he didn't want to be the one to upset her any further. Don knew Alex wasn't the only walking a similar tightrope: the alcoholic demons that he fought everyday were awakening.

"Alex, I know Olivia means a lot to all of us... to _both_ of us. If you need to talk about anything, anything at all... I'm here to listen any time, day or night." Don said, putting extra emphasis on the word 'both'.

Don took Alex's silent nod of acceptance to the offer for what it was. He wasn't sure Alex was aware how much Olivia had spoken to him over the years, but maybe when she was ready, Alex would open up too.

NYPD Major Case and the local Worcester Law Enforcments were already descending on Massachusetts city looking for the trio. Olivia and Vanessa were alive, that was most important of all.

How little did they know that the game of cat and mouse and only just begun.

* * *

The following afternoon, Thursday, Alex found herself at the same hospital Brian Cassidy, assisting her Homicide detectives to compel a reluctant witness to give evidence. She had heard Brian had been in intensive care since everything started on Monday evening on May 20. Wondering if she could find out any information about Brian's current condition, she made her way down the ICU nurses station. Did she want to know how Brian was for Olivia's sake? Perhaps Brian had saved Olivia's life? Maybe it was to ease Alex's own conscious? Debating internally over why she needed to see him as she approached the nurses station, a tap on shoulder brought her back to reality.

"Excuse me? You're Alex Cabot, right?" the man with a charming boyish smile asked.

Alex scrutinised the man carefully, but said nothing. He looked and sounded vaguely familiar, but she couldn't place him. The icy look he received from the ADA made him hastily continue, "Sorry, I just kinda recognise you from the photos Benson showed us at the early bird dinner with Mom recently. I'm Detective Joe Dumas from Brooklyn, but you can call me 'Doom' if you'd like, or Joe. I'm Brian's brother."

She tried not to show her surprise when she extended her hand to shake his, "Yes, l'm Alex Cabot. I'm sorry, but I wasn't aware Brian has a brother."

"Well, half brother actually. Bri's just over a year older than me. We're not overly close now, but we don't hate each other either. We're just very different people that happen to share the same Mom. But I wouldn't expect Benson to bore you with details like that," Joe explained.

"I'm really sorry about what happened to Brian. How he is?"

"Would like to go for coffee with me?" Joe pointed to the direction of the hospital café with another charming smile, completely ignoring Alex's question.

Alex shot Joe an incredulous look. Was he actually trying to pick her up, while his brother was in the hospital and Olivia was missing?!

Joe grinned, "Hey, Benson's right! You really_ do_ have a glare that would make grown men piss themselves!"

That was three times in less than a minute that Joe mentioned Olivia talking about her, Alex noticed. The again, she always took extra notice when the name 'Olivia' or 'Benson' was spoken. Just how much did Olivia talk about the blonde ADA in front of Brian and Joe?!

"I'm asking you to have coffee so we can talk somewhere else, 'cause I hate hospitals. What? You think I'm trying to hook up with you?! Geez, I'm not Bri!" Joe laughed. "Don't get me wrong Cabot. You're a very beautiful and attractive woman, but you're not my type..." he leant in close and added quietly, "You don't have a penis."

He gave her a wink, then headed towards the café, "Coffee! My shout!"

* * *

"I've heard the rumours swirling 'round, courtesy of that asshole Tucker, saying Benson did that to Bri. I want you to know, Mom and I don't believe for a second that she did this. Benson's a good cop. I don't know what bug crawled up Tucker's ass, but it's been there a long time," Joe sipped his coffee.

"How is Brian?" Alex asked hesitantly.

"Not good. Mom's really struggled and waited for me 'cause I was undercover."

Alex shot him a quizzical look.

"You don't know? I'm Bri's other medical proxy. We're each others, actually. Bri's been without oxygen took long, and Mom couldn't bring herself to make the decision alone. He's been unresponsive since he arrived..." Joe took a deep breath, "Mom and I have decided to donate all viable organs and tissues of Bri's to help as many other people as possible. It's what Bri would want. He'd never want to be a burden. It's the same decision I'd want Bri to make for me, if the situation was reversed. The neurologist will be doing final tests are later tonight, but Mom and I already know what the results will be."

"I'm really sorry -"

"It's ok, Cabot. As cops, we know everyday we walk out that door, we mightn't come home. But everyday we walk out that door, we try and make the city a safer place, and help as many people as we can. It's one of the reasons we become cops. I'm sure Benson would've told you. The real question is: How are _you_ holding up?"

"I'm fine," Alex replied automatically.

"Geez, Cabot! I might be gay, but I'm not blind, and I only met you a short while ago! Look, I don't wanna be stepping outta line here, but I know I'm right in saying that she's in love with you... and you're in love with her. You're eyes light up each time I've said 'Benson'... yep, you just did it again. I didn't get my gold shield for nothing! She did the exact same thing when she talked about you during dinner with Mom, which was a lot! I'm not even sure she was aware she was doing it. It's the exact same thing Bri did when he was with Clarissa. I know Bri loved Benson but he wasn't _in love_ with her, if y'know what I mean. I can also see the pain in your eyes with Benson's disappearance. You're heartbroken."

Neither confirming, nor denying what Joe had just said, Alex could only respond while trying to control her emotions, "I just feel so hopeless. Knowing Olivia's out there... somewhere... and I can't help her. If only I'd-"

"Stop that right now! If you'd done _anything_ differently, the outcome could have been the same, but with you in place of Bri or Benson. Let the NYPD do their jobs, and you be there for her. Not_ if_ they find her, but _when_ they find her. Here's my card with my details. If you need a someone to talk to, I'm happy to listen. No judgement. Oh, and if y'know of any single guys... you make sure to pass that card along!" Joe grinned.

Alex had the decency to blush and offer a humble apology to Joe for assuming he was trying to make a move earlier.

"Forget about it, Cabot. I'm not offended, I'm flattered." Joe checked his watch, "Sorry to do this, but I have to go start making arrangements with Mom. Bri's wishes are to be cremated and for a small private service for the family, with a service a few days later for his police family. I'd appreciate it if you attended. I know Mom will too," smiled Joe.

"I'll go," Alex nodded.

As Joe stood up to leave Alex called out, "Hey Joe? What photos did Liv show you of the two of us?"

"Actually she showed us heaps. But the ones that stick in my mind the most are the two of you at the Rockerfeller Centre in front of the Christmas Tree and the Ice Rink for one of your _dates_," he winked.

A melancholy smile rested on Alex's lips. One of her favourite dinner dates.

* * *

Alex looked around the room at the Memorial Service for Brian Cassidy at the funeral home. Every member of the NYPD in attendance and the SVU squad were in their dress blues, with one person noticeably absent. While perusing the service card before the ceremony began, a small phrase stood out from under the usual 'In Memoriam' phrase.

_**Momento Mori.**_

A Latin phrase meaning _'Remember you will die',_ but better known in the world today as_ 'A reminder of death or mortality'._

Two additional envelopes had now been received: one from Rochester, New Hampshire and the most recent one arrived earlier today with a post mark from Montpelier, Vermont.

It was certainly one of the worst days in ADA's life, and didn't expect to be attending a memorial service.

Today was 31st May: Alex Cabot's birthday. Sadly, there was no reason to celebrate this year.

Brian Cassidy was dead, and Olivia Benson had been missing now for 11 days.

* * *

End Note: Detective Joe 'Doom' Dumas is played by Scott William Winters is the younger brother of Dean Winters. Joe Dumas has appeared in eps: 'Lost Travellers' and 'Undercover Blue'. Sorry if he seems a little random in the story, but my muse hasn't decided if I'm going to use him or Cragen as conduits to help establish some background info between Alex & Olivia and why some things did and didn't happen ;-). So introducing him now is easier, but I'm leaning towards Cragen. I just can't see myself using other SVU characters for this :-)

End Note 2: Yeah yeah, I know. You wanted more about THAT night. Just trust me ;-).


	11. Chapter 11

AN: Re guest comment - "_plz don't let alex get wif joe_"... (o_0). Umm, wow. Ok, you have **no** worries about that happening ;-) Joe has no interest in Alex romantically whatsoever. I won't be pairing Alex & Olivia with other guys or gals either. I guarantee all readers this is a Cabenson story :-). Re ladybugsmomma - _"I love your use of Latin phrases in this chapter"_. Thankyou! :-D. I thought those phrases might be familiar to some readers ;-). I believe they fit well in the story to show the passing of time and the passing of Brian :-). (Sorry Bri!)

AN2: Sorry for the delay, but the length of the chapter should make up for it considering most earlier chapters were around 2500 and the last 3 have been 4000+. Also, I've been working on the Alex & Olivia back story that's been hinted at through the earlier chapters and the end note of the previous chapter, but still trying to be mostly canon, so research for accuracy and continuity is necessary. Plus, I'm toying with the idea of a couple of other AU A/O stories, but I want to write more of this story first before I delve into those. And I guess you're wondering about the rest of THAT night from chapter 9 seeing I said Alex would revisit it, and the broken promises that have been hinted at... well, read on! Again, I make **NO** apologies **WHATSOEVER** for the length nor **M** rating of this chapter for the lady loving ;-). Thankyou to all readers for taking the time to read, leave comments, faves etc. I truly do appreciate it :-)

* * *

_**Nous promettons selon nos espérances, et nous tenons selon nos craintes.**__**~ François de La Rochefoucauld**_

After the Memorial service for Brian Cassidy had ended, Captain Cragen watched Alex Cabot quietly slip out the door. He was disappointed he hadn't been able to see how the ADA was coping now before she left, particularly after he had briefly informed her of the latest photos prior to the service. The Captain's attention was drawn away from interaction of Rafael Barba offering his condolences to Joe Dumas and his mother, by Odafin Tutuola and Amanda Rollins needing to attend a call out. Since Olivia's disappearance 11 days ago, Nick Amaro was now partnered with John Munch. Amaro was happy to leave when Cragen and Munch indicated they should return to the 1-6, Nick never liked Brian to begin with. But he had a begrudging respect for the fallen officer - Nick didn't like how Brian did it, but it was because of Brian that Nick discovered he'd fathered a son, Gil.

Cragen sat down at his desk, loosening his dress tie, his eyes sliding automatically to the bottom desk drawer. No, Don chastised himself.

_Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,_  
_The courage to change the things I can,_  
_And wisdom to know the difference._

He had to keep occupied and not give in to temptation. Even if it was something mundane as paperwork. Sorting through and signing off on recent DD5's, he came across an incomplete file.

"Anyone seen the rest of the McMahon file?" Cragen called out from his doorway.

"That was mine and Olivia's case, what are you missing?" Nick replied.

"Just some follow up information to finish off a DD5," Don rummaged through some papers on Liv's desk.

Amaro hesitated before asking, "Hey Cap? I don't wanna speak out of turn here... but... what do we about... Olivia's desk?"

The Captain looked Amaro in the eye, his tone meaning the answer was not up for discussion, "This_ isn't_ like when Stabler retired. We keep it _exactly_ as it is until Benson's found. Got it?"

Opening the desk drawer, Don found the paperwork he was looking for. As he removed the papers, he uncovered an envelope addressed to Alex and small flat square box wrapped in birthday paper. Cragen peered at the small desk calendar closely, and saw today's date, May 31st, circled with a small notation in Olivia's handwriting: _Alex's B'day._

Shit.

With everything that had occurred in recent days, he'd completely forgotten about Olivia putting the gift there.

"John, you're in charge until I get back," stated the Captain, grabbing the envelope and small box from the drawer, putting the paperwork on his desk, then headed for the elevators.

* * *

"How can I help you?" the woman at the counter asked.

"I'd like a bunch of flowers in a vase that have a significant meaning, but I'm not sure what flowers they would be," Don said. He remembered Marge always saying that certain flowers and quantities of flowers meant certain things.

The florist nodded, "And what meaning are you trying to convey?"

When Don told the florist, she smiled "I know exactly what you need."

* * *

Having already checked with Alex's secretary to see if she was in her office or not, Don knocked Alex's apartment door and heard the chain on the door being slid off after a few moments.

"I know what you're going to ask Alex, and no, we don't have any more information. I really wish I did though," Don said before Alex could ask. "What I _do_ know is that it's your birthday today. I really hoped I could wish you a happier birthday than what it's been."

"Thankyou," Alex said quietly, allowing Don inside then shut the door.

"I won't stay long, Alex. I wouldn't want to overstay my welcome. These are for you," Don handed over the vase full of small colourful yellow, orange, pink and red blooms. While Alex set the vase down on the bench, Don took the box and card out of his inside breast pocket, "And these are from Olivia."

Turning slowly, Alex looked over at Don, taking the box and card into her hands, "When did Olivia give these to you?"

"I saw Liv put the box and card in her desk drawer before she and Amanda went to see Melinda last Saturday for the results of Alice Parker. I found them this afternoon while I was looking for a file at her desk. I'm positive Olivia would want you to receive these today."

Last Saturday, the day after they kissed at the Whitney.

The ADA removed the card from the envelope. The card was a simple, yet elegant with 'Happy Birthday' on the front in gold calligraphy, with an embossed floral border. Inside a note written by the missing detective.

_Alex,__  
__We promise according to our hopes, and we want according to our fears. ~ François de La Rochefoucauld_  
_Love, Olivia_

Tears threatened to fall as Alex read the meaningful quote.

Opening the the small flat square box, inside lay a lavender satin pouch. Untying the ribbon, Alex let the contents slide into the palm of her hand. A smile ghosted over Alex's lips, instantly recognising the gift.

"Isn't that Olivia's?" asked Cragen.

"Yes, it is. I only ever saw her wearing it once... when I came back to testify against Liam Connors. Olivia wanted me to have it when I went back into Wit Sec, but I couldn't take it because the US Marshals would've confiscated it. They'd class it as 'easily identifiable'. Liv said she'd give it to me if and when I eventually came back... but, I broke a promise to her... and she broke a promise to me... so our relationship was extremely strained when I returned to replace Kim Greylek... because of those broken promises," Alex relayed to Don as she ran her finger over the delicate gold chain and small rectangular plaque. The quote in the card meant a lot, but was even more profound at this moment in time.

"I remember Olivia wearing that for a short while, then she started wearing the Fearlessness pendant that was exactly the same. She never did say what the inscription said, and I never took the time to ask her," Don commented, knowing full well that Olivia was the one that spent the night with Alex in the motel room.

"Abhaya... it's Fearlessness in Sanskrit," Alex replied quietly.

Don took a few moments for that tidbit of information to sink in. "So Liv kept _this_ one for you, and had the other that read Fearlessness in English for herself she wore for years with the round pendant... until Brian bought the new tag pedant?"

Nodding yes, Alex continued to focus on the chain. "Olivia wanted to wear the both of them. I mean alternate wearing them from time to time with her Lotus Mandala pendant, but told me that... Brian... didn't really want her wearing her old necklaces when he bought the new one. She wore it by itself to appease him. A new chain for a new start, or something along those lines. But Olivia loved her old Fearlessness and Lotus Mandala necklaces the most, due to the simplicity of them. Those 2 necklaces _are_ Olivia."

Don tried his utmost to suppress a smile while thinking, 'Alex and Olivia with matching necklaces again. Perhaps they were starting to get close?'

"Well, I'm certain Olivia would want you to be wearing this right now," Cragen took the chain from Alex's hand, unclipped the clasp and indicated for her to turn around, "Whatever your broken promise was to her, Olivia has obviously forgiven you for it."

"We forgave each other fully when I came back from my International Criminal Court tenure before Elliott retired, and slowly mended our relationship because of a few other hurdles and miscommunications between us when I replaced Greylek," Alex moved her hair to the side and allowed Don to put the necklace on her. As soon as the cool precious metal rested around her neck, the ADA felt closer to Olivia... wherever she was right now.

The SVU Captain wanted to ask what the broken promises were, but knew if he asked Alex outright, she would clam up instantly like Olivia would. He was surprised Alex had opened up as much as she had, but decided not to press any further. Cragen figured Alex would talk when she was ready.

"Alex, I have a good idea what your birthday wish is... it's my wish as well. Everyone at SVU's wish too," Cragen gave the blonde a fatherly hug. "I'd better get back to the precinct, wouldn't want Munch thinking he can be in charge too long. My offer still stand if you need to talk about anything." Turning to leave, he added, "Before I forget, those flowers have a meaning you might want to look up, Alex. They're Mixed Zinnias."

Alex thanked Don for the short visit and closed the door. Walking her to her laptop, Alex typed 'Mixed Zinnia meaning' into the search engine. The result was instant: _Mixed Zinnias - Thinking of an absent friend._

The blonde absentmindedly played with the rectangular plaque sitting at the base of her throat as she carried the vase of flowers through to her bedroom. She picked up a photo frame off the bedside cabinet and set the vase down in its place. Laying down on her bed, Alex staring at the photo in her hand. A photo of herself and Olivia at the Rockerfeller Centre Ice Rink stared back. The same photo on Olivia's phone, the same photo as Joe Dumas had mentioned. Olivia's warm brown eyes twinkling back at her through the thin pane of glass, as tears suddenly slid from her own. Hugging the photo frame to her chest, Alex remembered back to more of the night in the motel room...

* * *

Tying the belt of her own towelling robe tightly, Alex pressed her ear to the door, straining to hear who Olivia was talking to at the motel door. She was still trying desperately not to laugh at the thought of Olivia answering the door stark naked with her gun at the ready.

"Where is she?"

Alex recognised the voice instantly and rolled her eyes. Of all the people to interrupt. The faster this was dealt with, the faster it would end, and faster they could return to what they had been doing.

"She's in the bathroom."

"I need to talk to her."

"Well, you'll just have to wait until she's finished!" Olivia's tone clearly unimpressed.

Alex threw the bathroom door open, thoroughly annoyed at being disturbed right now. "What do you want, Jack? As Detective Benson informed you, I was in the bathroom!"

"Riiight," Jack Hammond toed the black bra on the ground next to him, and made a show of looking at the other pieces of clothes scattered around the floor of the room. The women in matching towelling robes and ice cold glares said nothing. "Bill Harriman has requested to see you tomorrow night, seeing he's aware of your return. I just thought I'd let you know tonight and not spring it on you tomorrow morning before court."

"Uncle Bill? Did he say why?" Alex crossed her arms. This conversation would have _much_ been better before court tomorrow.

"He said something about your mother's estate and her last wishes, but wants to speak to you personally."

"I won't even get the opportunity to see her grave while I'm here," Alex muttered darkly under her breath. "Ok, fine! Tomorrow night. Which motel am I staying in?"

Jack Hammond smirked, "Nice try, Alex. You know I'll escort you to your new motel room after court tomorrow. I'll let you get back to your... _bathroom?_... Is that what you ladies call it these days?"

Before closing the motel room door, Jack called out over his shoulder, "Sorry to have interrupted. You might want to put the 'Do Not Disturb' sign on the handle before you lock the door, Detective."

"I can't believe you were going to answer the door naked!" chuckled Alex, as Olivia stalked back from putting the sign on the handle, then slamming and locking the door, and flicking the light switch off.

"Well I _have_ to protect you and keep you safe, Alex! Clothes were the least of my worries at that moment," Liv put her gun back on the lamp table.

"I always feel safe with you, Liv. I always have," Alex replied honestly.

Turning back around to walk back over to the blonde, Olivia gave a lop sided grin, easily slipping back to playful flirting mode. "What I can't believe is Alex Cabot a tattoo... and your abdomen is an erogenous zone."

"Well... the tattoo was a 16 year old Alexandra Cabot's decision to be a rebel or a misguided attempt to be all grown up, that I now have to live with... and surprisingly it's not an erogenous zone with men. Please don't ask me why, because I don't know! It's _only_ with women. Are you telling me you don't have one, apart from the obvious ones?"

Olivia looked around the room, purposely avoiding eye contact with Alex, yet unable to avoid a huge grin.

The ex-ADA smiled wolfishly taking a step closer, "You do! Ooh, Olivia! I am going to have _so_ much fun!"

"You'll never find it!" Olivia sing-songed the challenge as she took a step back, her legs hitting the edge of the bed.

"Perhaps... but I know we'll both enjoy me looking for it." Alex untied the knot of the belt holding Olivia's robe closed, and parted the material open. Olivia reciprocated in kind as Alex cupped her ass, drawing the detective closer and kneading the pliant flesh. Mouths and tounges gently coming together to reacquaint themselves. Olivia rested a hand on Alex's waist and stroked her abdomen with her thumb, but Alex reluctantly clamped her hand on the wandering hand.

"Nuh-uh. _My_ turn to be the detective,_ Detective_."

Alex playfully pushed Olivia slightly off balance, allowing Liv to sit back down on the edge of the bed then scoot back towards the centre, both women removing their robes.

Liv lay back and rested up on her elbows, letting her legs fall open, whilst never breaking eye contact with the blonde slowly working her way up the tanned body of the detective. Eyes darkening more with each display of desire.

A kiss to the ankle.

A lick to the calf.

A kiss to the knee.

A lick to the inner thigh.

A long stream of air to Olivia's moisture slick centre.

A lick from the navel to the valley of her breasts.

A heated kiss to the mouth as Alex straddled her hips, pinching and rolling a dark nipple between thumb and fingers.

Lavishing attention on the other nipple with her mouth, Alex lightly tugged the nub with her teeth, then soothing it with her tongue.

"_Obviously_ not there," said Alex with a naughty wink.

"Alex," Olivia raised an eyebrow, trying to steady her breath.

She unconsciously shivered in anticipation when Alex replied in a husky voice, "Patience is a virtue, Olivia."

Sliding back down the older woman's body, Alex waited until Olivia was paying full attention to her, as she caressed Liv's outer thighs, then interlocked their hands and fingers to maintain the level of intimacy established earlier. Laving her tongue through wet folds, Alex relished her first taste of Olivia Benson. Swirling and pressing her tongue inside Liv's opening before listening to noises of aroused delight falling from the detective's mouth, as the blonde paid particular attention to Olivia's clit.

Suddenly, pulled Alex back. "No, not there either. That's _too_ obvious," she said nonchalantly.

"ALEX!" Olivia cried, clearly exasperated to be guided to the edge and apparently left hanging.

The younger woman chuckled devilishly, crawling up Liv's body to share the brunette's arousal in a long, sensual kiss.

Reluctantly breaking the kiss with heavy panting, Olivia arched her head to the side exposing the column of her neck to help things along.

Alex lay a trail of kisses on her neck nearing Liv's ear, suddenly hearing the telltale groan of pleasure from Olivia. The blonde kissed it again to make sure, another pleasured groan was the response.

"Found it," Alex smiled against the spot on Olivia's neck as she slid two fingers inside the brunette's core. The sudden, yet very welcome intrusion overwhelming Olivia, her elbows giving way and collapsing back on the bed. Alex slowly began pumping the fingers buried within, her thumb settling into an easy circular pattern over the brunette's bundle of nerves. The blonde's tongue mimicking her fingers after recapturing the detective's warm mouth, swallowing Olivia's sudden cry when her orgasm finally peaked. Alex slowed her movements down to extend Olivia's pleasure for as long as could take, halting completely when Olivia placed a hand over the wrist of Alex's buried hand, removing them gently when brunette nodded her approval. Alex offered both digits to Olivia to suckle clean, not before licking one herself, then sharing a slow kiss. As she settled on top of the detective, she reached down to pull up the the duvet, haphazardly covering their lower halves.

Smiling at each other, Alex brushed Olivia's hair back off her forehead to study the brunette's face intimately. Plotting every tiny crease and freckle to memory with the tips of her fingers, before pressing her lips to the scar above the detective's right eyebrow. She didn't need to ask how Olivia got that, she was already aware how that occurred in her childhood years.

"Your hair's getting longer," Alex voiced her earlier observation.

Olivia played with the ends of the blonde's own that framed her face, "So's yours."

"Well I had to grow out my bangs to change my appearance ... not that I objected greatly."

"Mine was a bit longer before you were assigned to SVU though, and darker."

"I saw how long it was in the photograph that's on your desk, Liv. But I have to admit, I like it shorter on you. It really defines your cheek bones, and your jawline," Alex replied, stroking her fingers on Olivia's facial parts when she said them.

"I could say the same with you and black framed glasses."

Alex smiled at the compliment.

"This is new," Alex played with the gold chain and rectangular plaque resting around Olivia's neck, "What's the inscription?"

"It's the word Fearlessness in Sanskrit... Abhaya," Olivia explained as she lazily trailed her hand up and down Alex's spine.

"I like it. It's so... _you_."

"I bought it after you went away. Here, I want you to have it. I can get another for myself," Olivia reached her hands up to unclasp it from her neck.

Alex sighed heavily, "I can't. The Marshals won't let me wear much jewellery in case it can be identified. They won't let me wear my simple necklace... you know, the one we both bought. I miss wearing that necklace. I can't even wear earrings unless they've approved them!"

"How about this... I'll keep _this_ necklace for you. I'll let you have it _when_ you return," Olivia covered Alex's hand that rested on the plaque with her own, entwining their fingers easily.

"_If_ I can return," rebutted the ex-ADA.

"If _and_ when you return. I don't care how long it takes, and if either of us is in a relationship or whatever the circumstances, Alex... _promise_ me as soon as you're out of Wit Sec, you'll let me know. I _need_ to know." Olivia pleaded.

"But what if you're no longer here in New York? It could be _years_ before I return. I don't want to make a promise I can't keep."

"I'll always be here, Alex. I'll never leave, I_ promise_ you. I'll _always_ be in apartment 4D, here in Manhattan, and I'll _never_ leave SVU. All 3 of them are my home. Even if I_ did_, I'd certainly leave a forwarding address for you with my super, Fred."

"Fred? Fred Dawson?! He's _still_ your super?"

"Uh-huh. Or I'd leave an address with Elliott. You and I both know I'll _always_ be his partner. No-one else would put up with his macho aggressive shit. Not even Kathy now."

"Elliott and Kathy split?!"

"Separated a few months ago."

"Wow. I would never have thought that would happen."

"Neither did I. I hope they get back together, they're a wonderful loving couple with great kids. They've been in love for so long, I hope the can eventually find their way back to each other."

Alex chewed her bottom lip as she weighed up Olivia's suggestions, then made her decision, "Ok."

"Ok, what?"

"Ok Olivia, I promise."

The brunette captured the lips of the younger woman in a soft kiss, "I promise too, Alex."

Rolling off the detective, Alex lay down on her side next to Olivia. In contented quiet, the women stayed lying there, foreheads touching while languidly and thoroughly mapping each others body with their hands, sharing several long, slow kisses. Olivia could see Alex's eyelids getting progressively heavier, and when she stifled a yawn, Liv indicated for her to roll over so she could spoon protectively from behind but still have a clear view of the motel door, before switching the bedside lamp off. As she snaked her arm around Alex's waist, the blonde guided Olivia's hand to cup her left breast over her heart and placed her own hand on top to keep it there.

"Olivia... Happy Valentines Day," Alex glanced back over her shoulder.

"Alex, that was 2 days ago. Today's the 16th of February... but regardless... Happy Valentines Day, sweetheart." Olivia pressed a kiss to the ball of Alex's right shoulder then snuggled closer, her breasts pressing comfortably on Alex's back.

Alex knew she had never felt more safe in her entire life, as she did at that exact moment in time.

That was the last thing Alex remembered as her eyes eventually succumbed to darkness.

* * *

Alex's eyes slowly drifted back into focus, taking in the surroundings of her own bedroom. One hand still clutching the photo frame to her chest, the other buried in wet folds between her legs. She never did remember her hand snaking beneath her yoga pants and panties, but every time Alex remembered that night, the result was always the same. At least this time, no-one interrupted her remembering that evening this time.

After washing her hands in the bathroom, she rummaging in the bedside drawer, her hand clasped around a box of matches. Striking the match, Alex watched the flame flicker before her eyes for a few moments then lit the sandalwood scented candle on the bedside cabinet, allowing the aroma to fill the room. Sitting on the edge of her bed, she placed the photo frame on her lap and stared at Olivia's image again, tears freely sliding down her cheeks and splashing on the thin pane of glass while replaying Olivia's words regarding the Stablers' over and over in her head, toying with the gold chain around her neck.

"Wherever you are Olivia... I want you to know... I _need_ you to know... that my birthday wish... and everyone else's... is to have you found as soon as possible... alive and well. I love you... _so much_... and right now... it really hurts to admit... that I've never had the courage... to tell you that. I wish and hope... that I get to say those words to you sooner... rather than later... or never at all."

* * *

Consciousness came slowly to Olivia, having now been drugged twice in recent times. She slowly pieced together recent memories, but her brain was still very fuzzy.

Beginning the same ritual from last time, she checked herself and was shocked to find she was now dressed only in a thin strap tank top and boxer shorts. Olivia understandably felt quite violated at this discovery. She realised that the handcuffs that secured her to the wall had now swapped wrists, and once again she hurt all over. The handcuffs had left her wrist bruised and irritated. Sobs from across the darkened room stopped Olivia from surveying herself, to check on Vanessa's welfare.

"Vanessa, sweetie. Tell me what happened. What did he do?"

"He burned me... on my arms and legs... putting out cigarettes... and... he... raped me. After that... he said I was a good girl... for giving over control... and that a good host... wouldn't let guests wear dirty clothes... so he'd do laundry for his guests... and get more clothes for us later. He left me alone in a room... for a long time... and when he came back... he made me change. He brought me back here... and you were already... in those clothes."

Attempting to process what Vanessa had said, only one thing came to mind for Olivia due to her clothes being changed as well.

As if reading the detective's mind, Vanessa asked the question, "Did he... rape... you?"

Bottom lip trembling, trying her best to keep her emotions under control, the detective said 3 words she never thought would be an answer to that particular question if she was ever asked:

"I... don't... know."

* * *

End Note: If you get the feeling that I prefer Olivia with the 2 older necklaces over the new one, you're right ;-). I don't mind the newer one, it's a bit chunkier. But the 2 older ones ARE Olivia to me, just like Alex said. And yes, I know Olivia wears the FEARLESSNESS one in Ghost, not the Abhaya Sanskrit one. Let me have a morsel of creative liberty ;-)


	12. Chapter 12

AN: Re comment HKS - _"Will you PLEASE save Liv before I have a heart attack?!... and I loved the smutty flashback"..._ I **PROMISE** the rescue is not too far off now, so no grabbing for the defibrillator just yet. Shhh, don't tell anyone else about that little spoiler tidbit though ;-). I'm glad you liked the flashback :-D. Perhaps there might just be a flashback to morning as well, after all Elliott wasn't arriving until 8am. ;-). Re tummer22 - _"I never realized Olivia's necklace's were different I always thought it just said fearless"..._ I don't know where it was, but I remember reading somewhere Mariska talking about a 'Abhaya Sanskrit' pendant that then became a 'Fearlessness' pendant. I'm not sure if it was for Mariska, Olivia or for the Joyful Heart Foundation, like if it was initially Mariska's that then became the Joyful Heart Foundation's that then became Olivia's, vice versa, or what. I just really want Alex to have something of Olivia's that has a special meaning to both of them in the context of what it is and the emotions associated with it, and I think that particular pendant necklace is perfect particularly while Liv's missing. And Re ladybugsmomma & tummer22 - _"the 2 chains"..._ I'm glad I'm not the only one that misses Olivia wearing those 2 pendants and necklaces.

AN2: I know this chapter is much smaller than recent ones, but I want to focus an entire chapter to the Alex & Olivia back story & the broken promises fallout before the rescue, so that will make up for it. There will be flashbacks to certain episodes, so I want to keep it separate so as not to jump around _too_ much and confuse readers. I will be introducing a couple of new additional characters from the town where Olivia, Vanessa and Lewis are in this chapter. Thanks for sticking with me, all the feedback etc.

* * *

Olivia kept replaying everything over and over in her mind, but how do you deal with something if you're unsure if its actually occurred or not? _'Mind Fuck, Maine'_ Vanessa had relayed what Lewis had said after the first time being drugged, and right now it was certainly living up to that title.

She survived what occurred in Sealview.

She survived what Lowell Harris did.

It took time, patience and therapy, but it was possible because she knew what happened.

But this, here and now... she didn't know. Was this a mind fuck?

She also wanted to help Vanessa, hug and comfort the sobbing woman. But all she could do was walk the length of 'her' wall in the cellar and use the toilet on 'her' side of the room. The small amount of slack the wall chain had allowed gave her an extra 1 or 2 feet clearance from off the wall towards the centre of the room, but that was all. The same went for Vanessa. All the SVU detective could do right now was offer words of comfort.

Today's date: unknown to the women in the cellar.

Days missing: unknown to the women in the cellar.

* * *

Vanessa had been hauled from the cellar some time earlier, but Olivia was thankful that she hadn't heard any screams from Vanessa after she was taken, because Lewis had returned shortly with a few items in his arms.

He was starting to get frustrated. He had threatened her, killed her super and even her boyfriend in front of her, but she hadn't easily caved like the others had. Perhaps a little persuasion was necessary.

He wanted to hear her say those words. _'Please don't hurt me! I'll do anything you want!'_

"All you have to do is say the words, Detective... and I _won't_ hurt you."

"What's to say you haven't already," said Olivia as she looked straight ahead. Her left eye swelling from a recent fist to the face, which resulted in the back of her head hitting the wall, allowing Lewis to get the upper hand. She was now tied to an uncomfortable low back wooden chair, her hands cuffed behind her back. "And you will hurt me... even if I _do_ say what you want to hear... so I_ won't_ waste my breath."

"All you have to do is... _beg_ me. Just _plead_... and I won't blemish that _beautiful_ complexion of yours. Just say the words, and _all_ this stops." Lewis Williams smirked.

"No."

The Beast threw a look over towards the small skillet frying pan sitting on the small camper cooker in the corner farthest away. Blue and orange flames licking the sides of the pan as it rapidly heated. He pulled something from his back pocket, snickered and tossed the item into the frying pan. It clunked heavily, echoing around the small room. Metal on metal.

He leant back against the wall studying the long brown haired woman before him as he waited a long time for the item to heat up. But she wasn't looking at him, she was focused on the camp cooker in the corner. Liv knew what Alice Parker had suffered with a wire coat hanger, and she knew what Vanessa had been through with cigarettes. She knew she was about to suffer a similar fate, but had no idea what that fate would include.

He walked back over to the detective, suddenly grabbed a fistful of hair, twirled it around his hand and yanked her head back, exposing her throat.

"SAY IT!" he snarled from above.

Olivia stayed silent, steadying her breathing, trying her best to stay calm.

Grabbing a pair of scissors from his other back pocket he sheared the handful off. He would keep it and send it to the NYPD with a new photo from a new location. Montpelier, Vermont was shaping up to be a new location, but perhaps throwing them for a huge loop and posting this envelope from Warwick, Rhode Island was certainly appealing to Lewis Williams this time.

After tucking the fistful of hair into a blue envelope, Lewis grabbed the bottle of opened water from Vanessa's side of the room, splashing a few drops in the skillet to see how hot it was. The water bubbled, sizzled and very evaporated quickly.

Perfect.

"NYPD Detective... badge number 4015. That's _you_, isn't it, Olivia Benson? Maybe we better make sure you _never_... _ever_... forget it? Hmm?" Lewis said over his shoulder loud enough for Olivia to hear, as he slipped on an oven mitt. He picked up the gold metal shield with a pair of cooking tongs then transferred it over to the oven mitt covered hand. He positioned the gold badge with the enamelled side face down, the reverse side of the badge facing up. Whilst he left Olivia's gun and handcuffs at crime scene in her apartment 4E, he'd discovered her badge in her pocket when he removed her suit pants when he first drugged her, and kept her badge along with Brian's badge, cuffs and gun. Lewis Williams had removed the gold shield from its leather surround casing before he came down to the dimly lit cellar with the camp cooker.

"Last chance, Detective Benson. Just say the words, and I promise that you won't end up like the others," he offered as he walked back over to Olivia.

"Never," Liv hissed through gritted teeth, bracing herself as best she could for what was about to happen, "I. Won't. Beg."

"Too bad." Lewis whispered from behind her as he pressed his oven mitt clad hand to her back and kept it there.

Olivia screamed in sheer agony as the heated metal instantly blistered and burned the flesh of her right shoulder blade, permanently branding her like cattle ranch livestock with her own badge.

* * *

Olivia was intermittently trickling the bottle of water over her right shoulder as best she could with her once again handcuffed left hand to soothe the raw, bleeding and throbbing skin. She'd tried with right hand but immediately regretted lifting her arm up, making the burn on her scapula hurt even more.

"I wish I could help you with that, Olivia" Vanessa said from across the room.

"I know. It's ok. Just keep talking so I can try and keep my mind off the pain. Tell me more about your family."

"Well... my Mom and Dad have been married for almost 40 years now, and they lived in the same house in New Jersey since they were married. They moved to Ohio last year to be closer to other family members. I have 2 older sisters, they're fraternal twins and they're both middle school teachers. I was the surprise baby 5 years later."

"Did you always want to be a lawyer?" Olivia queried, before inhaling a sharp breath through her teeth from the pain.

"Yeah, I don't remember wanting to be anything else. I was Captain of the Debate Team at high school. My grades were good enough to get an offer from Brown, which I gladly accepted. I don't know if still want to be one though, _if_ we're ever found."

"_When_ we're found, Vanessa. _When_." Olivia corrected, she needed to keep positive in this situation, even though the situation wasn't. "Perhaps you could become a prosecutor?"

"Maybe," Vanessa shrugged her shoulders noncommittally at the suggestion. "Who's Alec... or Alex?" she asked after a small silence.

Olivia looked over at the redhead, "Why do you ask that?"

"You were kinda mumbling something like that name while you slept last time. Is that the person you said you're in love with?"

"It's Alex. Alex is... everything. Strong, passionate, caring, articulate, compassionate, stubborn, smart, headstrong." Olivia gave a light breathy laugh, "Actually, I think Alex is a bit like me in some respects, particularly the stubborn and headstrong parts. Yeah, Alex is the one I've been in love with for years."

"This Alex sounds like a wonderful person then."

"She is." Olivia replied, then winced yet again in pain.

Vanessa didn't say anything regarding the confirmation to a gender. The defense lawyer just nodded her head and smiled sincerely in acceptance that the female detective was in love with a woman.

* * *

The woman with shoulder length curly brown hair standing behind the counter of the grocery store snorted as she read the magazine article, _"Rizzoli and Isles: Is there Lesbian subtext between the main character of the hit TV show?"_

"Heck, I'm straight and married and I can see it!" she said aloud to no-one. Looking over at the clock, it was 6.50pm - nearly time to close the Winthrop General Store for the evening.

Just then a man with a charming smile hurried in, grabbing a trolley. "Sorry to disturb you. I won't be long. Just need to top up the pantry," he called out.

She watched him on the closed circuit monitor, tossing fruit, vegetables, tinned foods, food packets, bread, toilet paper in as quickly as he could.

As he eventually started to unpack the trolley at the counter, he mumbled, "Umm... my girlfriend... asked me to get her some... things."

"Things?"

"Things."

"Things like?" the cashier gently prompted.

"Things... Lady things."

"Oh, you mean, female sanitary products?"

"Yeah, those things," he blushed.

"Aisle 4."

He walked away, but came back again, clearly uncomfortable.

"I don't... know..."

"You don't know if she uses tampons or sanitary napkins?"

His eyes widened, "No!"

"Didn't she tell you?"

"No."

She took pity on the overwhelmed young man, "Well... how about this: you take one of each. And the product she doesn't use, as long as it's unopened you can bring back with the receipt and we can swap it for the other. Covers you from any wrath your girlfriend may give you."

"Thankyou... Heather," he studied the name tag and beamed a charming smile before returning to Aisle 4.

He returned with several boxes of both sanitary napkins and tampons. Heather tried not to laugh, she remembered her husband doing the exact same thing just after they were married. He vowed then and there never to do shopping again, because in his words he didn't like to think about that... lady stuff.

"Just passing through?" Heather asked as she scanned the groceries.

"Oh no, I have a place on the outskirts of Winthrop. Old family cabin I haven't seen in a long time."

"And you live with your girlfriend?"

"Yeah," he blushed again.

"Maybe she'll be kind enough to help you out, and she'll bring back whatever product she doesn't use."

"No, she'll stay at home... like most women she's chained to the kitchen sink." He laughed at his own private sick joke, then turned on the charm. "I apologise. I know I shouldn't say things like that. No, unfortunately she's agoraphobic. Sadly, she doesn't like to leave the house."

"Oh, I'm sorry I didn't realise. Well, just so you're aware, we do offer a free home delivery service in Winthrop if that helps you at all. I'm sorry but I don't know your name."

"Lucas... Lucas Wilkins. And I'll keep that home delivery offer in mind if I ever need it, Heather." Lewis Williams extended his hand, flashing a grin.

"Heather Zimmerley. Well Lucas, welcome back to Winthrop, Maine" she shook his hand.

As Lewis Williams carried his large box of groceries out, Heather shivered. The man had made her skin crawl, especially with that derogatory joke. It wasn't so much the joke itself, but the way he'd said it. Whist he seemed charming, her intuition said there was something else about him, she just didn't know what it was.

She looked around and saw Winthrop's Sheriff swagger in, "Evening, Sheriff Leonard."

"Oh please, Heather. I'm currently off duty, you're my oldest friend and I'm your sister-in-law," Melanie Leonard rolled her eyes. A tall woman with a shaggy blonde pixie cut and grey eyes.

"And where _is_ my husband anyway? He's supposed to pick me up." Heather started emptying the cash register.

"Deputy Sheriff Bradley Zimmerley is doing paperwork, like a good little brother should," Mel laughed. "So I'm here to pick you up and take you to the station so you, me, Brad and Kel can have a kids free dinner. Well, so you and Brad can have a kids free dinner." Mel nodded her head towards the door, "Who was that leaving?"

"Said his name was Lucas Wilkins, and he's moved back to the outskirt of Winthrop."

Mel's brow furrowed as she voiced her thoughts aloud, "We've lived here all our lives and I've _never_ heard that name before." She committed the name to memory, and would definitely check the name on the computer later.

"That's what I thought." Heather called over her shoulder as she began switching the lights off and locking up the store. "Hey, Mel? Don't tell Brad, but I think I'm pregnant again."

"Jesus! Does my brother get you pregnant just by _looking_ at you or something?! When do you get time to have sex with 6 kids to look after?" Mel teased her best friend from childhood. "Are you trying to be the Duggars of Winthrop or something?"

"You be quiet now! I said I _think_, I'm a few days late." Heather chastised, as she and Mel made their way to the car. "Hey, how is Dr Kel Leonard enjoying being the new doctor of the new Medical Centre?"

"The wife is great! Kelly really loves it here in Winthrop."

* * *

Olivia was thankful that she hadn't been drugged in recent times. The large burn on her back wasn't nearly as tender now as it initially had been, but was slow to heal due to the size of the wound.

Lewis opened the cellar door and placed the trays food on the floor. Fresh fruit, granola bars and sealed bottled water. The women knew they were safe for a while, as this particular meal was becoming a regular constant. It seemed Lewis left them for what possibly could be a day or so, when this meal was served. He left the room and returned with a box of tampons and sanitary napkins for each woman, placing them quickly on each toilet cistern, not wanting to touch them any longer than necessary and left the women alone again.

As Olivia reached for her box of tampons, she now had a somewhat vague idea how long she and Vanessa had been incarcerated in the dimly lit cellar.

* * *

"Are you humming... the 'Mr Softee' song?!" Vanessa raised an eyebrow, munching on her granola bar.

Olivia couldn't help but smiled, "Yeah. I hum it sometimes when I get homesick."

"It reminds me of my childhood in New Jersey."

The detective continued to smile and hum, biting into her apple. Only one thought in her mind, 'Reminds me of Alex.'


	13. Chapter 13

AN: This HUGE chapter (7500+ words, there was no place to split it without losing the flow of the story and I promised it would make up for the previous smaller chapter) explains why Alex & Olivia never acted on their feelings again and the broken promises fallout made THAT night (see chapter 9-11, and alluded to in ch1). Think of it as a type of 'coming full circle' for their relationship when they finally kissed again at the Whitney. There will be some readers thinking Alex & Olivia will be a bit OOC in the major interaction, but please know they were both really hurt with each other breaking their promises, and people lash out at the ones they love the most when they're hurting. It will mention some eps from 'Lead' through to the ep when I believe Alex returned from her ICC tenure before Elliott retired. It will also mention some things that occurred in 'Conviction'. Please be aware that I've never actually seen any 'Conviction' eps, I'm only using the Law & Order wiki and tv recaps sites to help me, because I'm trying to be canon, but still allow myself a bit of creative liberty to tweak things how I need them to fit the story. I'm working on 'Conviction' original TV airing dates to coincide with certain SVU s7 episode scene cards... you know the "DUN DUN" information screens ;-). I will point out the eps along the way when they need to be, so readers will be aware when the flashbacks occur, but also some things will be told and explained in the present time as well. (Complete ep summary at the end). Oh yeah, and I've never been to JFK airport, so apologies if the very vague description I give is wrong. My muse tells me all the information in **this** chapter needs to be known before... something about... a rescue? *shrugs* ;-) A big thankyou to readers taking the time to read, comment etc. You ladies are wonderful :-).

* * *

"How are you today, Alex?" Don Cragen lifted the lid on his 4lb jar of Red Vines stashed his desk drawer and grabbed a couple to eat.

"I'm fine, Don" she responded automatically in a monotone voice, waving away the proffered candy.

Cragen raised an eyebrow, this routine response was getting old. He needed to give the ADA a little wake up call.

"Well, I'm glad _one_ of us is fine, because I'm _this_ close to drinking, Alex. And I have no solid proof as yet, but I suspect Amanda's popping pain pills as if they're Orange Tic Tacs. It's hurting all of us that Olivia is still missing... and Vanessa for that matter. Now, I'll ask you again Alex: How are you?"

Alex was aware that everyone at SVU was affected by Olivia's disappearance, not just herself. She studied Don, and for the first time she saw true sadness in his eyes. A parent missing a child. The raw emotion reflected her own. A loved one missing a loved one. The emotional flood gates that Alex had desperately fought in public since Olivia's disappearance suddenly overwhelmed her and finally broke free, tears flowing freely.

"I miss Olivia... _so_ much."

Cragen's eyes softened, he'd seen this response before from Olivia when Alex 'died'.

He passed her a clean handkerchief he always kept with him, "You love her, don't you?"

She nodded, taking the folded square of fabric and dabbing her eyes. "Probably more than she realises."

Don smiled at the quite similar responses both women had said regarding each other. "I have a pretty strong feeling you love her as much as she has always loved you. You said so yourself, you forgave each other for your broken promises when Olivia finally gave you her necklace for your birthday. Come on Alex, talk to me. Let it all out, it's not good to bottle things up inside."

She began unconsciously playing with the necklace, "It wasn't always like that between us. It took a long time for us to truly forgive each other. We had some fairly severe turbulance when I returned to replace Kim Greylek. Do you remember that day?"

"It was the first time you'd been anywhere near SVU in 3 years, even though you returned as a Bureau Chief and got engaged only a couple of weeks after finally exiting Wit Sec."

Alex shook her head, no. "It wasn't the first time. I returned twice before then."

Don's eyebrows shot up at the information, "When?!"

The blonde chewed her bottom lip. Only Olivia and herself knew the real details of this story, after all it was her story... and their story. Alex knew not every single miniscule detail needed to be shared because they were, after all, intimately private. But she also knew that telling Don Cragen the most pertinent details of their interactions, she would replay everything in her mind in full detail. Just like would in her dreams.

She took a deep breath, "If I'm going to tell you all this, I'd better do it right and start from the beginning... so to speak. The night Olivia watched over me in the motel during the Connors trial, we each made a promise. I promised to let Olivia know as soon as I left Wit Sec... and I didn't. She promised to always be there for me... and she wasn't. I was actually quite scared to see Olivia initially when I left Wit Sec."

"Like Elliott was afraid talk to Liv after he initially retired, refusing to take her calls? You were the one to explain to her why he was like that, and help pull her out of her surly attitude."

"That's right. But when I was returned, I was effectively thrown in at the deep end of the pool and was told to start swimming even more than I had before I entered Wit Sec... although I knew I was only barely treading water."

"Didn't they debrief you when you left? Do follow up checks on you?"

"Hardly," snorted Alex. "I knew I wasn't ready for everything, but because for the last few years in Wit Sec I'd been told what to do all the time, I just continued doing that, accepted it as perfectly normal. Everyone said I could do it, and I believed them. I actually began dating Robert Shelton, because the smooth, smarmy bastard said we should date. And I moved in with him, because he said I should. I just went along with his suggestions... with almost everyone's suggestions."

Don waited patiently as Alex took a moment to gather her thoughts before she continued, "I'd only been the Bureau Chief a week when ADA Mike Randolph was killed by drug dealers."

"That's what nearly happened to you... You were walking a tightrope, weren't you?" Don asked gently.

"Exactly. That happening to Mike put me on edge to a uncontrolled freefall because that hit so close to home for me. I... ahh... I'm ashamed to admit that I slept with a co-worker, then got engaged to Robert the _very_ next day. I regretted both immediately. Right then, I worked out I _needed_ Olivia's help because I finally knew I wasn't in a good place. I came to SVU but she wasn't around."...

* * *

_Alex hesitantly walked into the familiar bullpen where she had worked only a few years eariler, but only saw an African-American man at the assigned SVU desks. He looked up and immediately saw the distress in Alex's eyes._

_"Can I help you, ma'am?"_

_"I'm looking for Detective Olivia Benson, please."_

_"Sorry ma'am, but she's not here anymore. Transferred out just recently."_

_"Transferred? But.. but she promised me she'd always be here..." Alex trailed off, not listening anymore._

_The man noticed the tremble in her voice, her timid and broken demeanour, "I'm Detective Lucius Blaine. Ma'am if you've been hurt in any way, you can talk to me."_

_Alex turned around and immediately left, not looking back. Her heart sinking to the pit of her stomach._

_Olivia Benson was gone._

**_(SVU ep Fat; Conviction ep Savas_ana)**

* * *

"Olivia had just transferred to Computer Crimes, by her own request." Don confirmed.

"Correct. In my distressed state, I didn't even think to ask about Elliott, or anyone else. A couple of weeks later, there was a hostage situation with some of my ADAs in a court room. That event did it for me... tipped me over the edge. I ended it with Robert, and I left the DA's office that afternoon. I... ahh... I didn't really know who I was any more and was diagnosed with depression. I went and got myself sorted out... medication and therapy," Alex glossed over the _real_ facts. "That was in May '06. I was in a much better place than I had been by October '06, and I once again came to the 1-6 to see if Olivia was truly gone."...

* * *

_Alex strode into the SVU bull pen, more confident than last time she'd been here, but only saw a curly blonde haired woman sitting at Olivia's desk writing up a report, and no-one else about. That certainly wasn't an uncommon occurrence when she was the ADA at SVU._

_"Hello. I'm looking for Detective Olivia Benson."_

_"I'm sorry, I don't know any detective here by that name."_

_Alex's heart sank yet again at the reaffirmed information she' just been told._

_"Is Detective Elliott Stabler here then?"_

_"Unfortunately, no. He's not here anymore. I'm Detective Dani Beck. Can I help you?"_

_Smiling tightly, Alex shook her head and turned to walk away, "Unfortunately Detective Beck, no, you can't help me."_

_Olivia Benson was truly gone._

_**(SVU ep Cage)**_

* * *

Don rubbed his forehead, "Olivia was undercover in Oregon."

"And Elliott had only left for the evening, not left SVU as I thought he had. The last thing Olivia had told me was he and Kathy had split, so it was easy to assume he'd left as well."

"You misunderstood what Dani had implied."

"I had. After that, I believed I had nothing, no-one and no reason to stay in Manhattan anymore. I was an only child, my Dad had died when I was a teenager, my Mom died while I was in Wit Sec, I'd broken it off with my fiancé, I didn't have a job, I was living with my Uncle Bill, and to my understanding Olivia was gone and she'd broken her promise. I took some time for myself to work out what I wanted to do, and moved upstate to Albany for a fresh start. I decided to travel for a short while, but I actually started to miss work... I couldn't stop thinking like a lawyer. So I did some law courses to bring myself up to date, then started clerking again. It didn't take long before I was working in Appeals. I was beginning to miss Manhattan, and put in for a transfer to Appeals back here. I could do that because I still had my own apartment that my mother had kept all the while I was in Wit Sec. Then, I got a call which I thought it was for my transfer to Manhattan Appeals, but instead it was asking if I'd like to go back to SVU because Kim left suddenly. I accepted, because in my mind Olivia was gone, so was Elliott. As the average SVU tenure is 2 years and I hadn't seen either Fin or John the 2 times I returned, I assumed they were all gone too. I figured SVU would have all new detectives seeing both times I returned there had been, so no-one would really know me... but I would be finally returning home to SVU. I even assumed you were gone and there'd be a new captain at the helm."

"You were quite surprised when I walked over to you to give you the heads up."

"To say the least. And when you said John, Fin, Elliott and Olivia were waiting for us... I was absolutely gobsmacked. That severe turbulance I mentioned, she eventually told me everything that happened over time... although the majority of it in a _huge_ fight we had when I initially replaced Greylek."...

* * *

_Alex looked up from her paperwork on her desk. She could see the anger rolling of Olivia in waves as she swaggered into the ADA's office in 1 Hogan. Alex knew as soon as she found out from Don Cragen as they approached the SVU detectives that this confrontation would occur, she herself wanted to do the exact same thing discovering Olivia was still at SVU. Both had remained civil during the initial meeting, they were at work surrounded by colleagues after all... but here and now was private time, neither woman would hold back._

_Olivia closed the office door with a little more force than necessary._

_"Counsellor."_

_"Detective."_

_Both just tightened their jaws, blue and brown eyes icily staring each other down, daring the other to make the first move to break the intense silence._

_It only took a few moments before Olivia let fly, "Three years, Alex! THREE. FUCKING. YEARS! YOU broke your promise to ME!"_

_"Oh that's RICH coming from you, Olivia!"_

_"You PROMISED me you'd let me know AS SOON as you were back. You don't even have the DECENCY to let me know at all! I read about your return when I see your FUCKING engagement in the paper! I said I didn't care if you were in a relationship, I just NEEDED to know when you were back! Even a 'Hi Olivia, I'm ok!' would have sufficed!__"_

_"Well YOU broke yours too! You WEREN'T there for me when I NEEDED you the most!"_

_"Excuse me?! EXCUSE ME?! I've always been here!__"_

_"You're such a FUCKING LIAR!"_

_"BULLSHIT! You listen to me-"_

_The ADA stood up suddenly, rounding the desk, "NO! That's all I EVER did for years in Wit Sec, so YOU listen to ME!"_

_The detective stood there, eyes ablaze, hands on hips, waiting for the explanation._

_Alex took several deep calming breaths before she started, "I admit I didn't let you know, IMMEDIATELY. I'm extremely sorry for that, and I completely regret it. I was thrown back in to normal life and was expected swim a marathon, when in fact I was DROWNING! After being told who I WOULD be for so long, I didn't know who I WAS any more. But when I FINALLY went to tell you I'd left Wit Sec just a couple of months later... and I desperately needed your help, YOU weren't there!"_

_The brunette snorted, "You're fucking unbelievable, you know that! You mustn't have tried looking very much, Alex. I'm still here like I've always been! The joke really IS right, you CAN always tell when a lawyer's lying when their lips are moving. It's funny, you ADA's always ask us detectives to look for more evidence... perhaps you should've taken a tiny bit of THAT advice yourself!" It seemed every other promise had been broken, so why not this one as well. She went in for a very low blow, knowing full well she'd strike a nerve. "You're just a hypocritical bitch, LEXI!"_

_The blonde retaliated, "You were GONE, LIVVY! I walked into the 1-6 and all I see is an SVU detective called Lucius Blaine. He tells me you've transferred OUT!"_

_The detectives eyes softened instantly at the revelation, pinpointing exactly when the ADA was referencing, "I... I transferred to Computer Crimes for a short time. El and I had a major falling out."_

_"I DIDN'T KNOW THAT! Oh yeah, 'I'll never leave SVU'." Alex mimicked sarcastically. "There was a hostage situation at the court house a short time later... that event tipped me over in a downward spiral... to cut a long story short, I checked myself into Bellevue."_

_"Bellevue?" Olivia visibly paled at that information._

_"Sorry, my mistake. Alex Cabot didn't check in, didn't want that going on my medical records... Emily Richards voluntarily checked herself into Bellevue Psychiatric Hospital."_

_"Alex, did you try-"_

_"Commit suicide? No. Definitely no! I checked in and was diagnosed with clinical depression." Alex withheld some information regarding her stay from Olivia. "After a lot of intense therapy and medication over several months, I finally start to feel like Alex Cabot again because I'd forgotten who she was, so I check myself out. I'm still on a low dose medication now! I went back to SVU to see if you're around, or if anyone knows you... you're still gone."_

_"I was never REALLY gone!" Olivia replied, running her hand through her hair in frustration._

_"A Detective Dani Beck says she's never heard of you, and said Elliott's gone as well. So I go to your apartment 4D, and a little old lady opens the door. She says she's been living in that apartment for the last month! I go and find your super, Fred... he says you just up and left, all your stuff's in storage. No note. No forwarding address. Nothing!"_

_Olivia's heart sank, tears threatening to fall, "I... I was undercover in Oregon. It was an immediate start for an unknown amount of time. I didn't have time to prepare anything, I didn't even get to tell Elliott I was going!"_

_"What was it you said now? 'I'll always be in apartment 4D... I'll always be here in Manhattan... I'll always be Elliott's partner... I'll never leave SVU... I'd leave a forwarding address if I did.' So many broken promises there, Olivia. I was under the impression I had nothing left in Manhattan for me, so I left!" Alex wiped away the tears spilling from her eyes._

_"I DIDN'T KNOW ANY OF THIS EITHER! I didn't know! I thought you'd moved on with your brand new life after I saw your engagement notice and you didn't want to know me anymore, Alex! I'm still the exact same apartment building, but I moved across to 4E after the undercover assignment. I wish you'd have come see me straight away." Liv wiped away her own tears. "I'm sorry for what happened. I'm sorry for everything."_

_"So am I, Olivia. I'm sorry too. I was AFRAID and FEARFUL to see you when I first returned, because I felt like I wasn't the same as when you last saw me."_

_Both had unintentionally broken their promises, inadvertently hurting the other in the process._

_The fire and passion in the argument was undoubtedly the same as all those years ago, maybe even more so. All either woman wanted to do was take the other in her arms and hold on for dear life, but each just stood there looking at the other as the tears slowly ebbed. A stubborn and uneasy truce silently declared._

_Both finally truly looked at the other, studying the physical changes from the last time they'd seen each other._

_Olivia saw that Alex's hair was about the same length, but lighter. The glasses were certainly different, but still black framed and oh so undeniably Alex Cabot._

_Alex had immediately seen that Olivia's hair was definitely longer, now sitting well down on her shoulder and darker during their initial meeting. But standing before her, here and now was unmistakably Olivia Benson._

_The blonde's eyes involuntarily drifted down to the 2 chains around Liv's neck for a moment, pausing particularly on the one with the rectangular plaque. Alex noticed it was exactly the same as the one the detective wore that night in the motel. But it didn't have Abhaya engraved on it, this one had the word Fearlessness clearly inscribed on it. The longer chain with a round disc and a small stone in the centre was definitely a new addition._

_Olivia realised what Alex was looking at, and unconsciously raised her hand to the plaque at the base of her throat. Both remembered the promise regarding the chain that night in the motel. Suddenly realising where her hand had drifted, Olivia quickly put it back on her hip._

_"Like I said, I'm sorry for everything. I think it might take some time before I can truly forgive you for breaking your promise, though. You really hurt me, Alex."_

_The blonde nodded her understanding. "The same goes for me, Olivia. Though I'm certain we can both still be professional while we work together... and in front of everyone else."_

_**(SVU ep Lead)**_

* * *

Don now realised the quote Olivia had written in Alex's birthday card had a much deeper meaning than he initially believed. At the time he thought it was just a fancy quote, but it truly did have a deeper meaning for the women.

He broke off another piece of Red Vine, "You were both so close to being back on the same page, but each time one of you got there, the other had moved on... so to speak."

"You put it that way, it sounds like a bad cliché romantic comedy or something. But in all honesty, that's pretty much exactly what it was. Fate or karma was having fun messing us both around, and neither of us spoke about _this_ necklace ever again." Alex indicated the chain she hadn't taken off since her birthday, except to have a shower. "I knew the initial replacing of Kim Greylek was only for a short time until a permanent ADA would be assigned. I applied for it along with Sonya Paxton. She got the got the go ahead, so I was back in Appeals up in Albany."

"Until Sonya was ordered to rehab by the courts."

"That first case back for me was a difficult one. The undercover operation with the mother and son trying to catch the step father and the kiddie porn ring leader. The mother violently assaulted the guy, not that I blame her."

"Eva Santiago," Don said.

Alex confirmed, "Eva Santiago." ...

* * *

_It had gone to hell during the undercover operation. As the ADA, Alex certainly couldn't ignore what Eva had done. Attacking the ring leader of kiddie porn, every moment of it had been captured on secret video surveillance. Under the circumstances, Alex would have done the exact same thing if it had been her child being exposed to depravity like that, but she was the ADA in the case and had to follow the law._

_Olivia tried her best to keep her emotions under control as she looked at Alex pleadingly, "He needs his mother tonight, PLEASE don't do this."_

_"BOOK HER!" Alex stalked past._

_**(SVU ep Hardwired)**_

* * *

Alex shifted uncomfortably in her chair as she look at Don Cragen sitting across from her. "I think Olivia took it a little personally, and I'm certain I could've handled that response better. Once again, our relationship was on shaky foundations to start off with."

"You were just doing your job, Alex." Cragen sympathised.

"I know. Olivia certainly managed to get her own back a few weeks later, though."...

* * *

_"I put in formal request for a new ADA."_

_Alex was stunned. "On what grounds?!" This wasn't supposed to be happening. Especially not coming from Olivia, of all people._

_"Professional Ethics! You sacrificed a rape victim to save your own ass!" Olivia spat. She stormed past, not bothering to look back at Alex and joined Elliott Stabler to continue working._

_**(SVU ep Turmoil)**_

* * *

"Olivia rescinded that request the very next day," The SVU Captain stated.

"We were both very much... out of character, if you will... during that case. After Olivia told me she'd put in that request, I did something very much in haste that night. I regretted doing it at the time, and yet I don't regret doing it now."

Cragen waited for Alex to elaborate on what that regret was, but the blonde continued.

"A few days later, Olivia was accused of murder." Alex shook her head in disgust.

"You paid for Langan to defend her."

"On the proviso that Trevor wouldn't reveal to Olivia that I'd done so, no matter how many times she asked or what she threatened him with. We all knew Olivia wasn't like that, but I knew she needed the best defense possible... Trevor's one of the best. We were starting to get along well again after that."

"I know you both were. Particularly when Babs Duffy was around, making a move on everyone... left, right and centre" Don chuckled.

Alex laughed lightly for the first time in quite a while at the memory. "Babs assumed Liv was a lesbian. I remember Liv saying to me after, she regretted playing the straight card on Babs when Babs kissed her. Liv's never denied her bisexuality before, but she doesn't go about telling everyone either. The same goes for myself. I believe Liv only did that to protect herself in the situation due to Babs being _overwhelmingly_ aggressive. I have to admit, I was considering the same response if Babs made a move on me."

"I think Olivia had a little fun asking Elliott if he ever got a gay vibe from her."

Both Don and Alex exchanged a knowing look, then laughed. The first real laugh since Olivia went missing. They needed to keep their spirits up during this dark time of her absence.

"Everything was going well, then the case involving Nardalee Ula occurred."...

* * *

_Putting the phone down, Alex prepared for Olivia's imminent arrival at her apartment. It was only a short subway ride from the 86th St Station to 79th St Station, and a few blocks walk. She had informed Olivia and Elliott on the steps of the court house about joining the ICC earlier that afternoon._

_Alex steadied herself, she didn't know how Olivia would react to what she was about to say once the brunette was in the apartment. She feared Olivia could react very badly, just like their initial confrontation just over a year ago when she returned, and completely destroy their relationship altogether. She certainly couldn't have told Olivia this in front of Elliott Stabler, but she had to tell the female detective the truth. It was eating away inside of her since the phone call asking her to join the task force earlier in the day._

_They both settled on the couch, a glass of red wine for each on the coffee table in front of them._

_"Liv, it's not just because of Nardalee that I'm going to the Congo. It's... it's also kinda because of... you... that I'm going too." Alex cringed. It sounded bad no matter how she said it._

_"ME?! How?!" Olivia panicked._

_"Do you remember a few months back, you told me you were putting in a request for a new ADA-"_

_"I withdrew that the next day! You know I did! I told you myself and I apologised."_

_"I know. I was really hurt when you told me you'd put in that request though. That night I saw some articles regarding the ICC and associated agencies on the internet. I honestly doubted I'd hear anything back from them... but... I submitted an application to them on a whim."_

_"WHAT?! You've known all this time, Alex?!" Olivia suddenly stood up._

_The blonde stood in response desperately trying to calm the situation, "Please don't jump to conclusions, Olivia. It's NOT like that! Just a few days later, you were accused of MURDER! Getting YOU the best defense for that took precedence over EVERYTHING else for me. "_

_The detective took a moment to figure out what the blonde was implying, "You... YOU paid for Trevor Langan to defend me?"_

_Alex nodded. "I made him promise not to breathe a word to you."_

_"He wouldn't tell me. I wondered if he might be defending me, so he'd try use it against me later. I even threatened him with obstruction of justice if he didn't tell me. He just smirked at that." Olivia rolled her eyes at the memory._

_"Seems my threat of castration overruled your threat of obstruction," Alex winked. "So you understand I would've withdrawn my application, but I completely forgot about it... until the call came through today. I'm certainly not blaming you in any way, PLEASE don't think that I'm doing that, Olivia. I blame myself for submitting the application in anger. I just NEED you to know the truth of how this has all happened. I was actually afraid to tell you all of this... but we both know what happened last time I was afraid to tell you something, and what the results were." She reached her hand over and took Olivia's in her own, tears pricking her eyes._

_They shared a look, knowing exactly what Alex was referencing to._

_"Someone associated with the ICC here in New York heard about the trial, saw I'd put in a request to them a couple of months earlier, so they asked me to join the task force immediately. I couldn't knock back the offer after hearing what Nardalee went through, and I don't think I'd ever get the opportunity to do this again otherwise. But if you're not ok with me doing this, I'll ring them and tell them to find someone else," Alex negotiated._

_The brunette was worrying her bottom lip with her teeth, processing everything that she'd just been told. Eventually she broke the silence, "How... how long?"_

_"At least I can tell you how long I go for this time. It's a year long tenure -"_

_Olivia's jaw dropped, "A year?!"_

_"- beginning the first week of April."_

_"Alex, it's March 15 today! April is barely 2 weeks away!"_

_"I know it's all so sudden, Liv, but fate works in mysterious ways if you think about it. At least this time, we can stay in contact. Texts, phone calls, emails and Skype. I might need... someone... that knows about these types of cases to talk things over and bounce ideas off." Alex gave Olivia's hand a squeeze on the word 'someone'. "You know of anyone that might be able to help me out?"_

_"Munch?" Olivia dead panned, before smiling tightly. "I'll help you when I can, but we both know perps don't take time off."_

_They were interrupted by an incoming text for the detective. She checked her phone, "And the perps just proved my point. I have to go, Alex."_

_Alex was worried at Olivia's reaction, or lack thereof as the brunette headed out the door. Had she just ruined everything by telling Olivia all this to clear her conscience?_

_"Olivia? Are we good?" asked Alex, pointing a finger back and forth between themselves. She braced herself for the answer._

_"We're good." Olivia confirmed with a single nod of the head and a lop sided smile, as she turned and walked out the door._

_**(SVU ep Witness)**_

* * *

"That was the thing that you 'regret doing, but not regret doing' that you mentioned earlier, joining the ICC." Don emphasised with air quotes.

Alex nodded yes, while playing with the plaque on her necklace again. "I regret sending the application in an almost spiteful reaction to what Olivia did, but I don't regret accepting the offer or the experience... and I'm grateful I told Olivia how it all happened."

"You kept in contact with each other while you were in the Congo and the Hague? "

"Very intermittently to begin with. When Olivia was given guardianship over Calvin Arliss, we talked a bit more, but the time difference and the long odd hours Olivia works made it difficult to schedule anything permanently."

Alex didn't tell Don about THE most memorable Skype conversation that transpired during Calvin's short stay. It was the only time Alex ever saw the adorable young boy in Olivia's care, and one of the very few Skype conversations Olivia and Alex had while the blonde was overseas...

* * *

_Olivia had been talking to Alex via Skype for only a few minutes. Alex was already aware of Olivia being given guardianship over the young boy, being the first person Olivia told after Elliott and Don knew. Olivia wanted and needed to know all the legalities, and Alex was the one with all the legal knowledge Olivia trusted._

_"Hey Olivia? Can I have a..." Calvin trailed off. He saw he was interrupting, he didn't want to get in trouble. "Sorry."_

_"It's ok, Calvin. I'm just talking to Alex. You've heard me mention her before."_

_He looked at the blonde beauty on screen and gave a timid wave, "She looks different without her glasses... but she's still very pretty!" He looked at Olivia, "So is SHE your girlfriend?"_

_Alex raised her eyebrow and saw Olivia, eyes wide and mouth agape, not knowing how to respond. Obviously he'd seen a photo of her while in the custody of Olivia. But the question about a girlfriend was unexpected._

_"Alex is... my... very good friend... and she's a girl... so-"_

_"So she IS your girlfriend!"_

_"N-no..."_

_"But you talk about her all the time!"_

_"That's because I miss her very much, and she's been away for quite a while. She's in Europe right now-"_

_"Is that why you mumble her name sometimes when you're asleep?"_

_This conversation was getting more interesting by every passing moment for Alex, even though she hadn't said a single word in contribution. The blush settling on Olivia's features was clearly visible and getting darker with each question and statement Calvin uttered._

_"I... what?! How do you know that? I mean-"  
_

_"I heard you saying her name when you were asleep on the couch and I went for my nighttime pee. Were you dreaming about her 'cause you miss her?"_

_"I... ahh..."_

_"Hey! Were you trying to talk to Alex on the phone this morning in the bathroom?"_

_"Excuse me?!" Olivia's jaw dropped._

_"You were calling her name kinda loud a few times! Did you have bad cell phone reception-"_

_"OK buddy, YOU need to-" __Olivia stood up from the dining table ..._

_"- and that's why your talking on Skype tonight?"_

_"- go do your homework now!" ... and gently guided Calvin away towards the coffee table._

_Alex just tried not to burst out laughing at the pure innocence of what Calvin had asked, but it had made her heart beat faster at the revelation. Olivia was clearly flustered at what Calvin had inadvertently revealed, and an evil thought crossed Alex's mind. It wouldn't be understood by young Calvin, but Olivia would certainly understand what she'd be implying. It had been quite a while since they'd flirted or talked regarding anything sexual that wasn't work related, and the opportunity at this moment was too good to pass up. _

_"Hey Liv, if your cell phone is having REALLY bad reception and you have to scream out like that... you might need to see if the battery needs replacing! Better check with Jack, and Dil, and Vi too!"_

_The detective whipped her head back towards the computer screen and just scowled at a laughing Alex who just __waggled her eyebrows at Liv._

_"Who's Jack, Dil and Vi? Are they other friends of yours, Olivia?" Calvin asked._

_Alex threw her head back, howling with even more laughter at Calvin's harmless question. She __certainly wouldn't admit it, but she'd done the exact same thing that morning, and would be doing the exact same thing once this particular Skype conversation was over... 'calling' Olivia._

_Olivia sat back down in front of the computer. She pointed a finger at __screen, trying to be angry at the blonde__, but was also trying to contain her own embarrassment, "You'll keep, Cabot!"_

_**(SVU ep Penetration)**_

* * *

The ADA continued talking to Don in the present time, "When Calvin was placed back into the care of his grandparents... I think Olivia saw the similarities of Calvin being returned and when I was returned back to Wit Sec after the trial. Yet another person that meant a great deal to her was taken away through no fault of their own. Liv reached out to me more for the last few months while I was with the ICC until I finally returned." ...

* * *

_Alex easily spotted Olivia bouncing on the balls of her feet, __waiting patiently in the exit lounge with dozens of other people at Terminal 8 of JFK International Airport as the blonde pushed her luggage laden trolley in front of her. __She didn't know how she always did it, but Alex could always zero in and spot Olivia anywhere in a crowd. __Olivia's __hands were in the back pockets of her jeans, leather jacket on and open with a tight scoop neck T-shirt allowing a nice amount of cleavage to be seen. A broad smile broke across the face of each of them when they finally made eye contact. All Alex wanted to do was break into a sprint, leap into the detective's arm, wrap her legs around Olivia's waist and smother her with kisses after this year long absence. But Alex knew that wasn't an option, so she assumed a friendly hug would have to suffice._

_Olivia approach, but kept her hands in the back pockets. The smile that had been there was now gone, a serious look had replaced it._

_"Hey Alex, I have something I need to say to you that I should have said a LONG time ago." The tone of Olivia's voice was solemn, not at all jovial._

_Alex audibly swallowed, gooseflesh rippled over her body, and the broad smile automatically fell away. She didn't think she'd like the sound of what Olivia might be about to say. The sentence just spoken was too ominous for her liking. She had expected the usual 'How are you? How was your flight? It's good to see you after all this time!'._

_"Wha-what's that, Liv?"_

_"I forgive you."_

_Alex was clearly perplexed at that statement. __"What did I do, Olivia?!" Was the jetlag from the 7 ½ hour hour flight across the Atlantic from Paris' Charles De Gaulle Airport __affecting her comprehension of what Olivia was saying?_

_Olivia reached out and took Alex's hand in hers, "I'm sorry for everything that's happened between us these last couple of years... and I FORGIVE you for everything. You know... the promises... and the misunderstands. I should have forgiven you a long time ago... but I never did say the words. Sometimes, 3 words are difficult to say to someone that means a lot to you, but I'm saying them now. Alex: I'M. So. Sorry... and... I. Forgive. YOU." Olivia gently squeezed Alex's hand to emphasize each '3 words' when she spoke them. "You being gone this past year made me realise how much your friendship really means to me... and I don't EVER want us to hurt each other again, or lose contact either. Deal?"_

_"Deal. __Olivia: __I'M. Sorry. Too... and... __I. Forgive. YOU." Alex returned the gesture in kind. _All Alex wanted to do at that moment was say those 3 OTHER words: I. Love. You. But those 3 words are the most difficult of all to admit to.

_Olivia pulled Alex into a warm embrace, which the blonde melted in to, and returned with just as much warmth. It had been so many years since they'd held the other like this... that morning in the motel room... and yet here and now, it still felt so right as it did back then. Both pulled back slightly, and saw the other's tongue dart out and lick their lips quickly. They were only mere inches away from closing the small gap between their lips, each could feel the other's warm breath tickling their face, almost as if waiting for the other to make the move._

_But neither woman had the courage to make the bold move, and they reluctantly ended the embrace before it got too awkward._

_"So you just took the day off to come pick me up?" Alex asked, trying to break the tension._

_"Nope! I got the whole week off this week. So in a few days time when you've settled back into a routine, I want us to catch up. Try and do it whenever we can." replied Liv._

_"What? Like dinner or something?"_

_"Sounds like a plan!" __Olivia nodded._

_"Sounds like a date!" Alex flirted._

_The two women made their way towards Olivia's car, each wheeling a suitcase of Alex's luggage, making idle chit chat along the way._

_"Your hair's longer," commented Alex._

_"Ah, I thought I'd let it grow a bit. Hasn't been this long for a while."_

_"It looks good, Liv! I was actually thinking of cutting mine-"_

_Olivia suddenly stopped walking, a hint of panic audible in her voice, "NO! Don't!"_

_"Why not? I had it short when I first worked with you. So did you!" Alex justified._

_"Just... don't ever cut your hair, Alex. It REALLY suits you how you have it now," Olivia smiled as she began walking in he direction of her car again._

_Closing the trunk of her Mustang, now full of Alex's luggage, Olivia's phone indicated an incoming text. _

_"Wow!" Olivia was stunned at the message._

_"What?" Alex asked.  
_

_"El says Casey is back and working the current case as the temporary ADA."_

_"Casey? I thought she was disbarred?"_

_"Me too, but he says she was only censured. That makes me dislike Kim Greylek even more now!"_

_Alex thought a moment, "I don't know... I quite like Kim, actually."_

_"You can't be serious Alex!"_

_"Olivia, I don't like that she lied about Casey, that's for sure! But if Kim hadn't left SVU suddenly, I doubt we'd be standing here right now having this conversation... and neither of us would have forgiven each other."_

_They shared a knowing look and a heartfelt smile, before getting into Olivia's car. __Alex took note of the mention of the term 'temporaroy ADA' Olivia had used when talking about Casey Novak. Perhaps there might be an opening to get her old job back at SVU now her ICC tenure was over?_

_**(SVU ep during Reparations)**_

* * *

She didn't know where it all came from, but Alex had basically just told the SVU Captain almost everything about her and Olivia's relationship since that night in the motel. Something that she'd always kept very guarded, but she suddenly felt a very large weight off her shoulders, baring her soul and talking to Don like she just had.

Especially today.

She needed to positively remember Olivia as much as she possibly could while the detective was still missing, not constantly thinking of all the bad things that could be occuring. She didn't want to slip back into the bleakness of her depression, she already bore the scars of those dark days.

Some of what Alex had told him, he already had heard from Olivia during their talks over the years, but there were a few new revelations from the blonde. He wouldn't say anything, he was told all of these things in confidence and would keep both the women's secrets.

"Thanks for listening to me ramble on, Dad." Alex had said it before she'd even realised, but right then and there in the moment, calling Donald Cragen 'Dad' felt right.

"That's ok, Alex." Don stood up and gave Alex a fatherly hug. "We _will_ find Olivia and Vanessa, we won't give up until we do. We know they're out there _somewhere_, we just wish we could catch a break to figure out where."

"I know."

At least half a dozen more envelopes had been received, from all different cities and states in the North East corner. All with the same phrase in the same distinct cursive writing as the original ones, '_She's alive, for now'._ They had seen the various bruises, cuts and cigarette burns on arms, legs, hands, feet and backs. The law enforcement agencies had anticipated the next envelope being sent from Burlington, Vermont after they'd received the one from Montpelier. But were thrown a huge curve ball when the envelope containing the handful of Olivia's hair came from Warwick, Rhode Island. When that arrived, they realised that there was no pattern now, and that he was sending them an a wild goose chase. An envelope with some of Vanessa's hair was postmarked York, Maine. Both were confirmed to be the missing women's through DNA, and in both envelopes were a few other strands of someone else's hair. Whether those hairs were intentionally included or not was uncertain, but DNA confirmed it was from the same person who's blood was on Olivia's gun. Everyone knew it was Lewis Williams, but where were they all in this game of cat and mouse? Plattsburgh, New York was a more recent envelope arrival. As was Berlin, New Hampshire. When one arrived from Lowell, Massachusetts it made Don's stomach churn. He doubted very much it was deliberately sent from there, but the connotations associated with that specific name were not lost on the SVU Captain. Even one arrived from Montreal, Quebec. But today's arrival was the biggest slap in the face of all.

Lewiston, Maine.

"I'd better get back to work," Alex walked towards the door, her attaché bag in hand.

Cragen called out, "By the way, Counsellor..."

ADA Alex Cabot turned around to look at Captain Don Cragen.

"...Welcome back home to SVU."

Today date: 1st July, 2013.

Days missing: 42.

* * *

End Notes...  
Eps referred to: Conviction - Pilot, Savasana, Hostage.  
Eps referred to: SVU - Fat, Informed (alluded), Infiltrated (alluded), Cage, Lead, Hardwired, Turmoil, Perverted, PC, Witness, Penetration, Reparations (alluded).


	14. Chapter 14

AN: Re **guest**- _"I'm so sick of authors ruining a good story etc"..._Thankyou for considering my story to be good, it's the first story I've attempted. Appreciate the compliment! re: "_Cragen as Dad_"... Creepy? You must have a low threshold of creepiness. The Beast is** CREEPY.** Alex being paired with Munch by EO'ers is **CREEPY**. But, to each their own. Alex had just bared her soul to the man that Olivia considers to be a **SOMEWHAT** father figure, and you get a creeped out by a name? If you can't understand the significance of **WHY** Alex **ACCIDENTALLY** called Cragen 'DAD' in **THAT** moment on **THAT** quite poignant day, I really do wonder if you've even been paying attention to the details of the story **AT ALL**? _"The fighting over shoes_"… you completely lost me there, I wear comfortable shoes and have no desire to fight over them. "_The AN length_"... the last **chapter** was 7845 words in TOTAL, 338 of them (that's 4.3%) were the AN explaining away any confusion and didn't address any comments posted. If 338 words is considered a "chapter" to you, perhaps reading short stories or one shots would more advisable? You don't actually _have_ to read my ANs **(I clearly mark and separate them from the story)**, nor do you _have_ to read **MY** story! Log in and write YOUR own story/direct me to ones YOU have written, and not hide behind the anonymity monkier. You can take the plaudits for the length of **THIS** particular AN thus far. **ReadsitAll** - _"Put OOC disclaimers"_... I **DID** for **THAT** chapter, but it was **OBVIOUSLY** missed in the "chapter" long AN. Ironically, you weren't spewing vitriolic diatribe about **"OOC'ness"** in the smutty chapters. I guess it didn't suit then. I reiterate, log in and write YOUR own/direct me to YOUR utterly cliché free stories. I'm sure a minority of the **FANDOM** sometime forgets this here is **fanFICTION (FICTION being the operative word).** I write in my very limited spare time to share my story and hopefully give readers some enjoyment, laughs, lady loving, and twists and turns along the way, not to be belittled. Lastly to both, by saying _"I was on board until you used Lexi/Livvy/Dad"_... **CONGRATULATIONS!** You've successfully made yourselves sound just as ridiculous as Elliott/Meloni fangirls who still haven't gotten over their demigod leaving the show and now refuse **POINT BLANK** to watch SVU **WHATSOEVER**.

AN2: Ahem :-)... **LBM** - _"the 'Mr Softee' song!"_... Liv has to have "something" of Alex's while she's gone seeing Alex has the chain :-). I thought the song was appropriate (I love the little smile Olivia gives when Alex admits it Ghost, and how Alex pronounces 'Mr Softee' too!). **tummer22** - _"new characters"_... I have _no idea_ what you're implying. **Bkwrmchar** - _"Sure hope you get them out of there before he totally destroys them."_... Cabenson prevails. **HKS & SVUprincess1998** - _"The flashbacks, especially with Calvin."_... Thankyou! I had a good laugh writing that particular interaction.** I'm glad most readers enjoyed the last chapter :-).** No heart attacks, the wheels **are** in motion! I don't know the difference between Police v Sheriffs for the US. If I'm wrong with what my characters can/can't do, sorry! :-). I'm assuming it's a rural/country version of the Police, and that's how I'll be writing it. Where I'm from, it's ALL just Police, and sherrifs are used for evictions etc mostly... that might be interesting as a job, I'm not sure that's nearly as fun to write about :-P. And, Winthrop's probably larger in real life than I'll be making it ;-).

* * *

"You're lying!" Vanessa scoffed in disbelief.

"I swear, it's a true story! Honest!" Olivia laughed.

Silence descended, Vanessa's eyes swept the the dimly lit room yet again.

*SIGH*

Me.

My mattress.

My wall.

My chain.

My toilet.

Back wall.

The shelf on back wall.

Our clean clothes and towels on the shelf on back wall.

Our empty buckets... hopefully he'll refill them again soon, so we can wash.

Olivia's wall.

Olivia's chain.

Olivia's mattress.

Olivia pacing... again.

Olivia's toilet.

The wall with the door.

The door to the rest of the cabin... where HE... did what he did...

Why was a map on the wall with pins all over it?

Floor.

Ceiling.

Light bulb hanging from ceiling.

*SIGH*

Can't keep ignoring it.

Ignored it for too long.

Got to say something about it.

"Liv?"

"Yeah, 'Nessa?"

"I... ahh... I haven't had... my period... yet. You've had yours... a while ago now."

"I know... but that doesn't mean for certain you're pregnant though."

"How can you say that? I've _never_ skipped! And he-"

"I know, sweetie. I know. But women under a immense amounts of stress... it can alter their cycles dramatically. It's called... I think it's anovulation... or an anovulatory cycle. With what we've been through so far, I think it falls under that category, don't you?" Olivia explained in her soothing voice. They still had no real idea how long they'd been gone, but if crudely using her menstrual cycle was the only way, Olivia had a very vague idea.

"I guess."

"Just... don't jump to conclusions yet 'Nessa,... it doesn't do anyone any good, ok?" Olivia said, using the same words she'd heard from Alex on more than one occasion. The blonde was never far from the detective's thoughts.

Vanessa nodded, and lost herself in her thoughts again.

Liv resuming pacing the length of her wall once again. The detective now understood why caged animals did this particular tedious behaviour. As she turned back again, she flexed her knuckles as they brushed against the brick wall. The bruises on them were a mixture of purple hues, as was the one on her forehead and a large laceration. The blisters on the major knuckles caused by cigarettes had begun to scab over, but were now open again and oozing blood. She ran her free hand through her greasy, uneven hair. A vast majority had been shortened at the back when Lewis hacked off the handful, but there were still some long wavy tendrils of hair. Vanessa's hair had suffered a similar fate not long after Olivia had. A somewhat of a routine had been established: food in packets and bottled water were safe, as was fresh fruit. But cooked meals and glasses of beverages for being possibly drugged, that's where a lot of mind games were taking place. Sometimes they were drugged, sometimes they weren't. If Olivia was drugged, torture from Lewis Williams was assured. He always made sure she was fully awake and alert when THAT started.

The red head broke the short silence, "I still don't believe you when you say that Munch got shot in the ass."

Olivia Benson laughed once again.

* * *

Sheriff Melanie Leonard rubbed her eyes, eventually settling the hand over her mouth and chin as she studied the map of Winthrop on her office wall. Her family, the Zimmerley's, had lived in the small township for several generations, and were well respected in the community. Her grandfather, Nathaniel, had been the Mayor when she was a young child. Her father, Patrick, was the Sheriff in her teenage years. Her only brother, Bradley, (younger by just over a year) joined the Sheriff's Department as soon as he was eligible after academy training, and she followed the same path 6 months later. Even though she joined later, Mel moved up the ranks faster than Brad, eventually becoming Winthrop's first female Sheriff almost 2 years ago. Brad staying Deputy and oversaw 2 other officers (one was a fresh faced rookie which Melanie had no idea how he actually managed to graduate from the academy at all).

It took a long time for Melanie to stop blaming herself for the death of their mother, Hannah. Hannah Zimmerley died just 3 days after Mel came out as a lesbian to her parents at 19 years old, even though she knew since she was 12 she liked girls, especially after falling in love with her 7th grade teacher. She couldn't accept that the sudden heart attack from Ventricular Fibrillation her mother suffered had nothing to do whatsoever with her coming out. She believed her mother died of a broken heart and shock that she had caused, and no-one could convince Melanie otherwise. Hannah hadn't accepted Mel's coming out initially, but did eventually say Melanie was still her daughter and it would take quite some time for her to understand Mel's 'lifestyle choice', like as though Melanie had a say in the matter. After Hannah's death, Melanie returned to the closet (so to speak), even though her father and brother were not bothered in the slightest with her sexuality. Nor was her oldest friend, Heather. Heather Stanton married Bradley Zimmerley after he graduated high school, and 9 months later, the first of the 6 Zimmerley children arrived. Mel secretly dated a couple of women while training at the academy, but no relationship lasted more than a few of weeks because they couldn't stand Melanie being such a closet case.

A chance meeting (or possibly some underhanded sneakiness from Heather) with the then raven haired, green eye bombshell, Kelly Leonard, a 1st year med student (the daughter of a Stanton cousin family friend originally from Akron, Ohio), at a Stanton family and friends barbeque 5 years later in Maine's capital Augusta, changed the life of Melanie Zimmerley.

_"Kelly's like you, Mel."_  
_"What's that supposed to mean, Heather?"_  
_"Kel's gay. __Now she's back in the closet... just like you. __"  
"__I'm NOT... __Are you trying to guilt trip me or something?__"  
__"Hey, she's just come out, and been disowned by her ENTIRE family! Not just one family member.__"  
__"THANKYOU for reminding me of my mother dying of shock."  
__"That's not how your Mom died, and you know it! Look, __her family want nothing more to do with her whatsoever. That's __why Kel's moved here to study in Maine, and live with my cousin's family."  
__"So you're trying to set me up?! You're unbelievable! I'm not gay!"_  
_"Well, excuse me! I thought Kelly could do with a friend!"  
"Oh, so now I'm the token lesbian go-to girl?"  
"Thought you just said you weren't gay?" Heather raised her eyebrow in challenge.  
Melanie scowled. She could never stay angry at Heather for long, especially when Heather was right.  
"Besides Mel, you haven't taken your eyes off her since you saw her... and Kelly hasn't taken her eyes off you."  
Mel tried her best not to blush, but failed miserably._

Shy glances and coy smiles shared during that fateful day at the Stanton barbeque began the slow waltz of their relationship. Each woman giving the other the courage and support to be out, and comfortable with their sexuality in their own time. They moved in together a few years later in Augusta, with Melanie commuting to Winthrop everyday, while Kelly finished her residency and remained at Augusta General until the end of 2012 (she was a 'city girl' after all). The only time Melanie and Kelly were truly apart was when Dr Leonard volunteered her time to join with Médecins Sans Frontières (Doctors Without Borders) every few years, the most recent time being a stint immediately after the Haiti earthquake. A now salt and pepper spiky haired Kelly Leonard married Melanie Zimmerley at the beginning of 2013 when legislation came in for same sex marriage in Maine, and Mel gladly took Kelly's surname when they married. Melanie had no problems working with Bradley, but constantly being mistaken for her brother's wife was only funny the first few times... and Mel had been suffering _that_ indignity since Brad married Heather all those years ago. Both women finally moved Winthrop permanently in March when Kelly became one of 3 doctors at the newly extended Winthrop Medical Centre.

It was a conversation with Kelly earlier in the evening before dinner that lead Mel to be standing in deep thought in the office, staring intently at the town map...

_A pair of hands snaked around Kel's waist from behind as she prepared dinner for the both of them. A soft kiss to the back of her neck brought a smile to her lips._

_"Hello 'Dr Cuddy'," Melanie growled playfully._

_Kelly turned around in Mel's arms, planting a soft kiss on on the blonde's mouth, "Should I be jealous of you being infatuated with Lisa Edelstein?_

_"Ha, ha. You know I've only EVER had eyes for you, honey." Mel returned the kiss.__ "Although... if you ever wanted a celebrity fantasy threesome... she'll be my pick."_

_"I don't share you with anyone, and don't you EVER forget it!" Kelly pinched Mel's ass, causing the sheriff to yelp. "I've hardly seen you these last few days," pouted the doctor._

_"Urgh, you know how it gets in the summer around here with the tourists visiting both Lake Maranacook and Annabessacook." Mel sighed. "I can't wait for summer to be over, go back to normality with all the weirdos gone."_

_"Hey! Funny you mention weirdos, we had a bit of a weirdo in a couple of days ago at the emergency clinic."_

_"Ooh, I love your weird patient stories! Wait, wait, don't tell me... someone 'accidentally' sat on something and it lodged inside them? Or they have 'absolutely no idea how that inanimate object got stuck down there'." Mel laughed, trying to steal a taste of what was on offer for dinner._

_Joining in the laughter, Kelly swatted her away. "No, seriously... This guy came in with a black eye, laceration to his lower left eyelid and a nasal fracture with excessive bleeding. He said he tripped over."_

_Mel took a whole button mushroom, talking with her mouth full, __"Wha' weird 'bout tha'?"_

_"Sweetheart, I KNOW what a tripping injury looks like. This wasn't a tripping injury."_

_"So maybe he was drunk, fell flat on his face and broke his nose?" Mel offered, swiping a cherry tomato from the salad._

_Kelly shook her head, no. "He was sober. He brushed it off as being clumsy. He even showed me burns on all his fingers. Said he burnt them when he tripped over a mop and bucket in a kitchen he worked at a little while ago and placed his hands on the hot plate."_

_"Ouch! Maybe he IS clumsy!" Mel winced, popping the tomato in her mouth._

_"I don't know. Honestly, the bruising looked more like an assault injury to me. When I was about to enter cubicle to start patching up, I heard him talking to himself, saying something like 'the brunette bitch will pay for doing this to me later', then he was suddenly all charming when I pulled back the curtain. It was weird, and so was this guy."_

_Melanie grabbed a slice of bell bepper, "Do you think he could be covering for domestic violence?"_

_"It's a possibility," sighed Kelly, trying to bat Mel's thieving hands away. "WILL you STOP stealing all the salad!"_

_"I know its usually men beating on women, but I can't ignore women beating on men either because it DOES happen. Or what if the 'bitch' that he mentioned is his boyfriend? I don't like the thought of anyone in an abusive relationship." Mel munched on the bell pepper slice, "Hey! I'm HUNGRY alright!"_

_"I don't like it either, but what if he's the abuser and the 'bitch' he mentioned finally fought back? This guy wasn't exactly a weakling and maybe what the other person did was an attempt to get away, or was a cry for help?" Kelly licked her lips, smirking, "And I know how HUNGRY you get. More like an insatiable appetite... for sex."_

_"Only as insatiable as you are, babe." Mel claimed Kelly's mouth. "Do you remember this guy's name?"_

_Kelly nodded, "Yep."_

_"Are you going to tell me, Kelly?"_

_"Honey, Doctor/Patient privilege... you know that."_

_"What if Sheriff Melanie Leonard asked Dr Kelly Leonard? He might be ashamed to file a report if he got beat up by a woman or his boyfriend. Then again, he might be a tourist and already gone by now."_

_"No, he said he moved to the outskirts of Winthrop when I was making conversation with him patching him up. Reckons he has an old family cabin or something. He didn't give an address when he filled out his forms apart from putting Winthrop, and he paid his bill in full with cash... I mean, who does that?! I don't know what it was, Mel... but something just didn't sit right with me. Honestly hon, he made my skin crawl."_

_Mel processed what Kelly had just said, it sounded... familiar?_

_"You've got that look now, Mel."_

_"What look?" Melanie questioned._

_"That look you get when you get something in that beautiful head of yours and won't go away until you've figured out what it is." __Kelly cupped Mel's cheek, as the sheriff unconsciously leant into the warm hand of her wife._

_"C'mon, Kelly... what was his name?"_

_The doctor chewed her bottom lip, then relented. "I will deny it unequivocally, if anyone asks. Luis... L-U-I-S... Wilson. Luis Wilson."_

... Mel took a step closer to the map on her office wall, studying the roads intently.

The name Luis Wilson didn't sound 'Winthrop familiar' at all, neither had the name Heather gave a few weeks back: Lucas Wilkins, who Heather said had a girlfriend that was agoraphobic. Melanie had checked the computer at the station that night before their dinner, unfortunately nothing came up for that name. Winthrop was small and practically everyone knew everyone. There were several abandoned farms and cabins on the outskirts of the town, but nothing that jumped out at her as being recently reclaimed or occupied. In the days after Heather (who turned out NOT to be pregnant after all) mentioned about someone returning to the outskirts with his girlfriend, Sheriff Leonard did some drive by checking to see if any vehicles were visible from the roads, but failed to see anything out of the ordinary.

Another thing that stuck with Mel, was it a coincidence that the names were somewhat similar? Or was this the same person trying to hide something? That would be another name to check on the computer in the morning. The Sheriff didn't like it when things happened in Winthrop and she didn't know about them.

"Figured it out yet?" Kelly startled Mel from her thoughts with a playful pinch to her nipple from behind.

Mel placed her hand over Kelly's still resting on her breast, interlocking their fingers. She shrugged her shoulder and stayed silent, still making mental notes of all possible farms and cabins as she studied the town map.

"Come to bed, Melanie. There's nothing you can do until morning anyway."

Mel sighed heavily in defeat, turned and lead Kelly towards their bedroom.

Tomorrow wouldn't come fast enough for Sheriff Leonard's liking.

* * *

Alex exited Cragen's office, attaché bag in hand. Her slightly puffy, red rimmed eyes automatically sliding to the desk of Olivia Benson. It looked exactly the same as it always had, except for one glaringly obvious difference. The person she was looking forward the most to coming back to SVU for was nowhere to be found.

Today was supposed to be the joyous and happy return home to SVU for the ADA. She even secretly had hoped to maybe be perched on the corner of Olivia's desk, her skirt possibly showing a little more thigh than normal, eyes peeping over the top of her glasses sharing one of those glances that made her heart race with a certain detective when she initially told Olivia she was returning today. They'd only been kissing in Alex's office a short time before Mike Cutter interrupted to tell her she was becoming the additional ADA assigned to the Manhattan Special Victims Unit with Rafael Barba. Both Alex and Olivia knew she wouldn't and couldn't be the assigned ADA for Olivia's cases, but there was no reason she couldn't be if Nick Amaro was the lead detective.

She had been floating on such an euphoric high when she called the brunette to give her the good news, and then Olivia asked her over for dinner. The possibilities for that night could have been endless, even though Olivia had said she wanted to take things slowly after just breaking up with Brian. But when Olivia backed her up against her office door, their tongues gently refamiliarising themselves, and stroking the erogenous zone of the blonde's abdomen with her thumb before Mike arrived... she certainly made the possible intentions known to Alex.

The ADA walked over to the desk, a hand tentatively settling on the back of the office chair. Olivia should be there now, possibly turning around to look up at the blonde, a small lop sided smile and the word '_Counsellor_' in her no nonsense work voice being said. Alex's eyes drifted to the photographs in their frames. One of Olivia and Serena Benson that was there the first day Alex walked into the 1-6; the digital manipulation of Olivia 'meeting' President Obama that Munch did for her as a joke; and one of Elliott, Olivia and Alex after Alex returned from her ICC tenure but before Elliott retired. The desk calendar was still showing May 2013, the notation for Alex's birthday in Olivia's handwriting made her reach up and lightly touch her necklace again. Inhaling a steadying breath through her nose, then slowly exhaling through her mouth, she took one last glance at them photo of the trio of them before placing her attaché bag next to Olivia's desk and walking by.

Alex headed for the bathroom, wanting to freshen up and hide any traces of her crying in Cragen's office before supervising the interrogation by John and Nick of a main suspect. Pushing open the door to the ladies bathroom, Alex startled Amanda as she tried to pull the orange cylinder out of her jeans pocket but it fell to the floor and rolled towards the ADA. Alex picked them up before Amanda could get to them, surreptitiously studying the label.

Oxycodone.

Strong, addictive and mood swing inducing. Alex was very much aware how addictive these were, having initially been prescribed them after she was shot, but followed the gradual weaning process exactly as ordered, enduring the pain of withdrawal just as much as the pain the bullet had caused.

"I need them... for my shoulder, y'know." Amanda explained nonchalantly, but nervously wringing her hands. "I was shot remember. Can I have them back now?"

"You were shot back in April, Amanda. You should be off these by now."

Rollins rolled her eyes, muttering angrily under her breath. She extended her hand waiting for Alex to return the pills.

Remembering what Don Cragen had said a little earlier regarding Amanda, Alex was starting to see his as yet unconfirmed suspicions were probably right. "Do you want to repeat that, _Detective Rollins_?"

"I said... What. The. FUCK. WOULD. YOU. KNOW, CABOT!" Amanda screamed. She hadn't had the pills yet, she was hurting immensely.

"I know _enough_ to know you shouldn't still be taking these any more, and you should be well into your physical therapy regime." Alex just stood her ground, slipping the pills into her pencil skirt pocket, not moving.

"Like _YOU _have _ANY_ idea what _I'M_ going through!"

Alex didn't really know how much Amanda Rollins knew what had happened to her all those years ago, having only worked with her a short time before the Delia Wilson scandal. She reached her hand up to her blouse, unbuttoning the first 3 buttons, then pulling the open blouse to right, exposing her own old scar near her bra strap. "I'm pretty sure have an idea. Fin does too, seeing he was shot in the shoulder a few years back as well! I _know_ how addictive these pain pills are, and the withdrawal pain symptoms that's associated too. Mine was throbbing and burning muscle pain in my biceps and back each time my dosage was lowered. It was as painful as the injury itself!" She rebuttoned her blouse.

Amanda continued to glare, still holding her hand out. The other hand by her side was clenching and unclenching repeatedly.

"You _should_ have been off those pills..." Alex trailed off, the realisation dawning on her. Amanda should started around the time Olivia was abducted. "You're not just hurting _physically_... you're also hurting _emotionally_, and using _these_ pills as an excuse. We're _all_ hurting with Olivia missing, Amanda. Do you think _Olivia_ would want you to be popping these?!"

"GIVE ME THE PILLS!"

Before Alex could respond, Amanda launched herself at the ADA as Fin Tutuola opened the door to the ladies room, having heard the initial commotion. Amanda rammed Alex heavily back against the bathroom wall, before pulling her fist back ready to land a punch.

"I heard th- 'MANDA! DA FUCK?!" Fin grabbed Amanda around the waist, pulling her away from Alex. The fight was gone in the blonde detective before it even began. She collapsed from Fin's arms to the floor, sobs wracking her body.

"It's ALL my fault... none of this... would have happened... if I hadn't dropped the case... Liv would still be here... it's all my fault... it's all my fault... I'm so sorry Alex... so sorry... it's my fault... my fault..."

"It's not your fault, 'Manda. It's _his_ fault. Not your fault at all. Liv won't blame you for what's happened. She's not like that," Fin cradled his partner in his arms as Amanda continued to break down emotionally.

Cragen opened the door to the ladies room, as Fin scooped Amanda up off the floor. He knew something was happening after seeing Fin race towards the bathroom from his own office window overlooking the squad room. Alex tasted the coppery blood in her mouth as she gingerly touched the swelling of her lower lip she had accidentally bitten when she hit the bathroom wall.

"You ok, Alex?" Don asked. Alex waved away the SVU Captain's concern.

"There's your proof, Don. Let's get her the help she needs." Alex whispered quietly, taking the pills out of her pocket and handing them to the Captain.

"I swear I didn't know she was still taking pain meds, Cap. She told me she'd finished them a while ago, and was only taking ibuprofen now." Fin stated honestly, carrying a still sobbing Amanda towards the door.

"I've had my suspicions seeing I've been struggling not to drink myself, but Rollins said similar to me when I asked her how her PT was progressing. We all feel responsible for what's happened to Liv one way or another... unfortunately, Amanda's taken it particularly personally." Don held the door open for Fin to exit unimpeded.

"This is going to sound bad no matter how I say it... but I'm not sure any of you would have known for certain if she's been taking them in the women's bathroom. Olivia might have discovered eventually, but without her here..." Alex let the sentence hang.

Transferring her gambling addiction to prescription medication, and compounding everything that had occurred in recent times with regard to her own shooting and Olivia being taken, Amanda's pain that she thought she'd kept so well hidden had been exposed.

Amanda Rollins' silent cry for help had finally been heard.

* * *

Alex sat down on one of the benches opposite the '_Imagine_' mosaic at Strawberry Fields in Central Park. In the days since Olivia's disappearance, this was the right place the ADA felt comfortable being lost in her own thoughts. Olivia wasn't dead, so visiting a cemetery was out of the question. Neither was visiting any place of worship, Alex wasn't at all religious. She couldn't bring herself to go to Olivia's apartment, even though the crime scene had been clear away. Alex's own apartment was just _too_ quiet sometimes.

"I heard what happened today, Cabot!" a familiar voice said, startling the ADA. She hadn't even realised that someone had sat down next to her, her thoughts were completely with Olivia.

"Joe?!" Alex asked, turning to face Joe Dumas.

"Ooooh! You really _did_ get a fat lip! He said you did!"

The blonde raised an eyebrow at that statement, "Who said? _Who_ told you?"

Only Don, Fin, Nick, John and Rafael knew what happened in the ladies bathroom, aside from Amanda and herself.

Joe just gave his charming boyish smile, blatantly ignoring Alex's questions.

Alex tried a different approach, "What are you doing here?"

"Me? When I'm in the area visiting a friend of mine, I've come here a few times to think about Bri. I can't bring myself to visit his plot at the Columbarium Wall yet."

"Which friend?"

Joe deflected Alex's question with one of his own, "How you holding up?"

"As best I can under the circumstances, I guess. I just want this _bastard_ found, because when _he's_ found, _Olivia_ and Vanessa will be found."

"I hear they think he's not moving around like they originally thought, but he's in the one location."

"That's what they're saying," Alex agreed. "But as to where... no clue."

The vibrations of Joe's phone alerted him to an incoming text. Joe respected that Strawberry Fields was a designated quiet zone. "I gotta go, my ride's here. I'll see you tomorrow, Cabot. Bright and early!"

"What? Here? Tomorrow?" Alex indicated the wooden benches.

Joe started walking backwards, "No... tomorrow at work. I'll be working at SVU, only until Rollins gets sorted out. Captain Cragen asked over at Brooklyn and I volunteered. If Bri could handle SVU for a while, I'm sure I can try. Later!"

As Joe Dumas jogged away, Alex assumed Don was the one to tell Joe what truly happened in the bathroom and her resulting injury. But who Joe was jogging towards made her question that assumption.

She smiled, and again lost herself in the thousands of mosaic tiles and thoughts of Olivia Benson.

* * *

End Note: After being on medication for 7 years for epilepsy, I know what those withdrawal pain symptoms feel like.


	15. Chapter 15

AN: Thankyou to all the gals for the positive PMs and messages in the reviews regarding the couple of negative feedbacks for chapter 13 I received and my response to it. I know I didn't have to post those 2 anon feedbacks, but I thought I would to show other writers here at FF that they probably aren't the only ones to be subjected to it. I don't mind criticism, but it should** always** be constructive.

AN2: **HKS & Bkwrmchar** - "_Re: Rollins_"... I had initially planned for Amanda to go "ballistic" in the bathroom, then I decided against her going completely overboard on her break down, seeing there's enough drama with Liv missing. I like how it turned out this way now :-). **lygratton & butterfly2202** - "_re: back story of Mel & Kel_"... thought I'd get it out the way early. I like my characters having a bit of back story. **LBM** - "_re: being disowned_"... I agree wholeheartedly with you, but sadly it does happen to some people :-(. Like I wrote, it's not a "lifestyle choice" (that phrase **really** pisses me off when some people throw it about so freely). We have no say in the matter in our sexuality... no-one goes up to the sexuality smörgåsbord buffet and "chooses" what they want, we just are what we are :-). Please note: I've never been to Bellevue, so if my description is wrong, sorry! Just a little more of Alex's back story in this chapter that was hinted to in chapters 4 and 13 in this chapter... then.. ;-).

* * *

Alex strode through the doors from Bellevue Hospital to the in patient garden space. It had been some years since she'd been here, but this time it was different. She wasn't voluntarily visiting the Psychiatric Unit for herself (as Emily Richards), she was visiting the Chemical Dependency Crisis/Detoxification Unit for Amanda Rollins.

Amanda gave a hesitant wave as Alex approached, she hoped the ADA wasn't here to make her feel any more worse than she already was. The blonde detective still couldn't fathom that she was actually going to assault Alex, when all Alex had done was finally discovered her secret and actually get the help she truly needed.

"You think I'm crazy, don't you?" Amanda said from the stone bench, staring out over the Sobriety Garden which she had started working at as part of her rehabilitation.

"No, I don't. I won't say I know what you're going through, because no-one _ever_ knows exactly what someone else is going through... but I have an idea. Everyone's affected with Olivia missing, and I'm sure Vanessa Meyers' family is going through similar." Alex sat down next the young SVU detective. She wouldn't admit how much Olivia's disappearance was truly hurting her. Missing a dear friend or close colleague couldn't compare to missing the person you love with all your heart.

"How can you say that? I'm in the loony bin! I'm as crazy as my sister, Kim." Amanda looked away in shame.

"You're not in the Psych ward, you're in the Dual Diagnosis Detox program... you're _not_ crazy, Amanda. Even if you _were_ in the Psych ward, I still wouldn't call you crazy," Alex placed her hand over Amanda's in support for the young detective.

"I was going to hurt you, Cabot!" Amanda turned to look at Alex.

"Amanda, you were crying out for help... sometimes it takes a while before _someone_ hears those cries. I'm glad I heard the cry now and not later."

The younger blonde sighed, "Everyone's at work's going to judge me! It's gonna be on my medical records! That's gonna do _wonders_ for my career... and I don't even know where to _begin_ with being able to afford treatment here!"

"No-one is going to judge you. Don is fully supportive of you being here. As are Fin, John, Nick, Joe and Rafael. I certainly won't judge you, nor will Olivia. My uncle, Bill Harriman, is paying for your treatment while you're here, so there's no need to worry about that after I told him your situation and what Kim did to you... and you're career doesn't need to be ruined because of this, because I'm not sure Amanda_ Richards_ is a detective that works at SVU." Alex raised an eyebrow.

Amanda realised what Alex was hinting at, "You're _covering_ for me? _Why_?"

Alex thought a moment before she chose her words carefully, "Do they still serve that really tasty Chinese Honey Chicken on Thursdays?"

"Yeah, it's really good... wait, how do you know that? You've been here before, haven't you?!"

"Technically... yes and no. How much do you know about what happened to me?" Alex indicated her bullet wound on her shoulder.

"Olivia told me you were put in WPP because of a case. Then you came back to testify and went back in to WPP again. She didn't go into full details."

"When I went in to Wit Sec the first time, I was already suffering insomnia and anxiety. Depression wasn't a large leap seeing I'd been taken from everyone and everything I'd known and stuck in the middle of nowhere and given a job that held no interest for me. Being given a morsel of my life back when I returned for those few days kept me going for a while. When I finally left Wit Sec for good, I wasn't in a good shape... mentally. I did some things I deeply regret, and I eventually reached out for help that I _knew_ I needed... but the person I reached out to was unaware I had, through _no_ fault of their own. None whatsoever."

"You reached out to Olivia, didn't you?"

Alex nodded yes to confirm Amanda's question, "Work and miscommunications played a big part in Liv not knowing I had at the time. I voluntarily checked in here, but under my Wit Sec identity, because I didn't want it on _my_ records. It was hard being here by myself, only my Uncle knew I had checked in here. I eventually hit rock bottom a week later."

"Rock bottom?" Amanda wondered aloud. How bad could Alex's rock bottom have been?

Alex took a deep breath, only Olivia knew about this. Not even Don Cragen knew. "Let's just say shatterproof drinking glasses _are_ able to be broken and used to hurt yourself if you really try hard enough."

Amanda immediately looked at Alex's wrists and arms for the telltale self inflicted scars, just as Olivia had when Alex eventually told her all of this at one of their dinners at the ADA's apartment.

"Not there, Detective." Alex shook her head, before pointing to both her skirt clad upper thighs. "I'm certainly not proud of it, but that was my _absolute_ rock bottom."

"Does Olivia know all this?"

"Yes, she knows. I told Liv a lot when I initially replaced the ADA that took over from Casey Novak, but eventually told her _everything_ just a couple of years ago when I replaced another ADA named Sonya Paxton. Olivia didn't think I was crazy, she was more saddened than anything. Olivia would want you to have a friend to help you through this, because she wasn't there for me when I needed it... that's why I made sure you were checked in under a different name. So I know Liv won't think you're crazy for what's happened, alright? The question you need to answer truthfully is: would all this have happened to you if Olivia hadn't been taken?"

Amanda chewed her bottom lip, "Probably not. I was starting to lower my dosages of the pain pills... and you were right, the pain that occurred when lowering the dosage was just as painful as the injury. Then this case came up, and Olivia was taken by him... I started taking the pills because it was easier to deal with that way... and then I started taking more. I'm _really_ sorry for hurting you, Alex."

"Forget about it, we've _both_ had worse from bullets, you know. I'm sure you would have hurt me a lot more if you really wanted to." Alex shrugged off the small injury Amanda had caused.

Both blondes sat in silence looking out over the tranquil gardens.

"Thankyou for helping me, I really appreciate it." Amanda turned and hugged Alex.

"Anytime, Amanda. I just wish we could do the same for Olivia and Vanessa now." Alex returned the embrace. "I'm sure you'll keep what I just admitted you to yourself?"

"As long as you don't go around telling people what I did," Amanda negotiated.

Alex smiled, "You've got yourself a deal."

"Hey, didn't Olivia used to have a necklace that looked a bit like that one you're wearing right now?" Amanda raised her own eyebrow at the discovery, as she ended the hug.

"I have no idea what you're implying, Detective Rollins... or should that be _Richards_?" Alex replied, completely unaware that she was playing with the small rectangular plaque once again.

* * *

"WE BOTH KNOW WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU DON'T SAY IT!" Lewis snarled.

Olivia's eye slid over at Lewis crouching over the camp cooker. Once again, her left eye was swollen shut and she was handcuffed to the low back chair.

The Beast's facial bruises were fading, but breaking his nose with her forehead and a swift punch to his left eye when he assumed Olivia had been drugged... completely worth it. It had aggravated the large burn to her right shoulder and resulted in a bruise of her own to her forehead, but the women were given a reprieve from Lewis that day, and several more after Olivia got her period again. Vanessa still hadn't menstruated, but pretended she had a few days Olivia did, after Olivia suggestion to do so, buying even more days peace.

"I know what will happen... but I _won't_ say it... and that just fucking shits you off... doesn't it?" spat Liv.

Lewis stalked back and forth, running a hand through his hair in total frustration. Why wouldn't she relent like all the others? She couldn't keep this up, could she?

"I'LL KILL YOU! JUST LIKE YOUR PRECIOUS BRIAN... JUST LIKE YOUR SUPER!" The Beast threatened, pulling he gun from the back of his trousers then levelling it at Olivia's body.

"No, you won't. You won't kill me... because I'm worth so much to you alive... you would have already done it by now if I wasn't."

Liv knew what she was about to do would end in torture, but what type of suffering and torment wouldn't be known until after this oft repeated ritual. Each time was different: he used her body as a punching bag; he used her own badge to brand her right scapula; he used scissors to hack of her hair; he used cigarettes to burn her knuckles and toe joints, he used razor blades to slice random lines her calves, biceps and back then sprinkled salt on the open wounds.

And then there was the unknown mental anguish and torture... the assaults that may or may not have occurred while she was unaware.

In all that had happened so far, one thing was for certain, Alex Cabot was Olivia's beacon of light. Her smile, her eyes, her glasses, her secret tattoo, her voice, her strength, her determination, her tenacity, her quick wit, the way she perched on the corner of a certain desk, the way her tongue darted out when she licked her lips, the way she commanded the court room... Olivia focused on every memory she had, everything she could that was the blonde beauty that she loved more than she ever had admitted to when the torture began.

Drifting off to escape into her 'happy place', so to speak.

"You know, Lewis... I've figured you out... yeah... I know it _frustrates_ you no end... that I _won't_ give you what you want... it _torments_ you that I _won't_ say what you want... you _crave_ to hear those words... you want me to give you all the power... I think your trousers are getting that little more uncomfortable at the mere thought of all that power... and you need release... you want to hear me _beg_..."

"BEG, DETECTIVE!

"...You want to hear me _plead_... just like _all_ the others... like the one that begged in Alabama... and the one in Maryland... just like Alice Parker back in New York ... and you get off of all that..." Olivia refused to use Vanessa Meyer in the mind game that she was playing with the Beast, it was the only 'protection' she could offer the young defense attorney seeing as she couldn't physically protect her, but the SVU detective had to disassociate herself from all the others.

"SHUT UP AND SAY IT!"

"...That's right... it makes you _so_ hard just thinking about it... thinking about those words... even right now you're so close... oh so very close... you're right there at the edge... ready to tumble over... you can almost taste... _victory_... and suddenly you're interrupted... Someone walks in on you... your hand is down your boxer shorts... furiously working away..."

"PLEAD FOR ME!"

"...Just a couple more pumps of your hand and you'd be there... but with someone watching you... the moment is lost, the power is gone, and you've been denied... the power that you crave so badly... the overwhelming _embarrassment_ of being refused... that's right, so close... it's just _too_ awkward to... _finish off_... you got blue balls for the rest of the day... you're pulsing and throbbing with no release in sight... and that pisses you off so much..."

"BEG ME NOT TO HURT YOU LIKE THE OTHERS!"

"...And your powerless to do anything about it... all because someone didn't do what you wanted... all because I won't do what you want... And Lewis?... we _both_ know what _I_ just said... _ISN'T_ a hypothetical." Olivia threw Lewis' words back at him, remembering how he described what he had done to Alice Parker using that specific term.

It was barely imperceptible in the dimly lit room, but Lewis twitched.

"Yeah... gotcha!" Olivia's mouth quivered into a smirk.

The tables had turned.

The pendulum swung in the detective's favour.

* * *

"Mel?... Honey?... Sweetie?... Babe?... I'm _horny_... and I wanna have sex on the table_ right now_... Melanie?... MEL! "

"Huh?! Wha?!"

"You drifted off there!" Kelly raised an eyebrow, sipping her last of her morning coffee on the other side of the dining table.

"No I didn't!" Mel suddenly downed her entire glass of cranberry juice.

"Honey, you've been staring at the same page of the newspaper for the last 20 minutes... and even _I_ know you don't find the New York Stock Exchange dividends _that_ interesting. What's on your mind? _Please_ talk to me, don't do that silent brooding thing... although, the look on your face when you do it _is_ adorable."

Melanie started clearing the table of breakfast crockery and cutlery, "If that Luis Wilson guy ever shows up again at the Medical Centre, or if you see him _anywhere_ in town, can you let me know?"

"My weirdo patient really got to you, hasn't he?"

"Kelly, I trust you with my life. I trust Heather just as much, and Brad's a given. If the 2 most important women in my life _both_ say they get a weird vibe from some guy in our town, it's my job to make them feel safe. I wouldn't be a good wife, a good best friend or a good sheriff if I don't know who he is. Sure, he might be harmless guy come back to Winthrop, but I _trust_ your instinct as much as I trust Heather's... maybe even more so! If he made _your_ skin crawl, then me makes _my_ skin crawl."

"Heather met him too?!" Kel's jaw dropped.

"I'm not sure. Heather had a late customer the night we went to have dinner with her and Brad. The details about living on the outskirts of town were the same... but he gave a different name to her and it's somewhat similar to the name he gave you. Both times this guy has said he's moved back to Winthrop, and neither name is familiar. Now that's ringing an alarm bell to me. So he either doesn't want people to know who he _really_ is or he's got _something_ to hide... maybe even both! And I want to know who and what, and I want to know as soon as possible."

"You're such a cop, and I love you for it!" Kelly pulled her wife into a loving embrace, pressing a soft kiss to Mel's lips.

"Sheriff, and don't you forget it!" Mel returned the kiss.

* * *

Olivia's victory was short lived with a sudden noise breaking the silence.

Light metal on metal. Wire coat hanger perhaps?

Lewis Williams crouched down, and whispered into Olivia's ear.

"Tell me, Detective... Who's Alex?"

The pendulum had swung back.

* * *

Melanie sighed heavily, throwing her pen across the office in frustration. The name Luis Wilson showed up nothing on the station computer, just like Lucas Wilkins. It was as if this guy that Heather and Kelly had encountered, whoever he was, didn't exist. Maybe this guy was just boasting bullshit and he was really just a tourist passing through? But she trusted both Kelly and Heather's word, and as the Sheriff of Winthrop, Mel made it her duty to check until she was satisfied. She had spent many days checking many of the abandoned farms and cabins around Lake Annabessacook and Lake Maranacook. Opening gates, peering in windows, checking farm sheds and barns, eventually crossing most of them off her mental list. Nothing was out of the ordinary and it was getting to her.

"Hey Brad?" Mel called from her office, leaning against the door frame.

"Yyyyyes?" Brad spun around on his chair, quite happy to take a break from tedious paperwork to chat with his sister. Brad didn't mind that he was the Deputy, he already had enough responsibility with his family to worry about.

"Did Heather ever tell you about the new guy living on the outskirts of the town?"

"Nooooo... not that I-... hang on... she did mention some weird guy that came to the store just before closing a while back. She hasn't seen him since then."

"If she does, can she or you let me know?"

"Ok, no problem. Any reason why?"

"Secret Sheriff business," Mel winked. "I just want to meet this guy, don't you?"

"Yeah. I know Heather said his name was-"

Suddenly the rookie officer, Officer Alan Irvine, ran in to the station, "Why wasn't I told about the undercover operation?!"

Sheriff and Deputy exchanged puzzled looks. As the 2 senior members of Winthrop's Sheriff Department, they would be well aware of any undercover operations in their jurisdiction.

"Undercover... operation? What undercover operation?!" Brad piped up.

"He said you'd deny it. I might be a rookie, but I'm an officer of the Sheriff's Department too! I have just as much rights as you do to now about it!"

"Hold on! Back up! What are you talking about?! Start from the beginning!" Melanie rubbed her forehead.

"I was driving on Old Winthrop Rd near Lake Cobbosseecontee to check out that report of a possible stolen boat Deputy Zimmerley told me to do, and I spotted a silver car with no licence plates. I pulled the car over and asked licence and registration... the driver flashes a silver shield at me and says I'm jeopardizing a joint undercover operation currently taking place in regional Maine."

Brad rolled his eyes, "Why on earth didn't you call this in?!"

"He said he was sure all Winthrop officers knew about it! Why don't I know about it?" Officer Irvine asked.

"There _is no_ undercover operation for crying out loud! And there's only 4 of us in Winthrop! Did you take note of the badge number, or what agency he was claiming to be with or _something_?" Brad said.

"I think it might have been NYPD? Or maybe it was Pennsylvania Police?"

The Sheriff rolled her eyes, "Oh that's just great... _fucking_ wonderful! I got a guy impersonating police driving around Winthrop in a civilian vehicle and you don't even check in with your superiors or take note of badge numbers or locations! For all you and we know this guy could have bought the badge off the internet from some prop shop! Geez, how on earth did you manage to graduate the academy, Officer?"

"I got top marks on the range!" Officer Irvine justified.

"Well congratu_fucking_lations, you can shoot a gun! What about the rest of your basic training, like be aware of your surroundings? Did you manage a barely passable mark at the academy or something? Or were you all excited and disappointed like a puppy that you weren't in on this fake undercover operation? You're in charge Deputy Sheriff Zimmerley... I'm going for a drive!" Melanie grabbed her sheriff's hat and keys to the Ford Expedition patrol vehicle before storming out the station to resume checking around the Lakes of Winthrop, starting along Old Winthrop Rd.

How on earth did they manage to be assigned this incompetent young rookie? Sure Officer Irvine was willing and eager to learn, and very accurate in the firing range, but his common sense was very much lacking.

Brad didn't stop Melanie leaving, he knew she'd take a while to calm down. Only Kelly could calm Mel down easily with small touch, a loving look or a soft smile, and with the salt and pepper haired doctor currently at work, only time in solitude would placate his sister.

"I did manage to get his name, Deputy Sheriff." Officer Irvine offered.

"Thank goodness for that! What was it?"

"He gave his name was Willard Lukin."

Brad typed the name, checking the computer.

Nothing.

Nothing whatsoever.

* * *

Mel was driving along Old Winthrop Rd when she slowed down, then pulled off onto a secluded dirt side road. It was the road that lead to an old dwelling. It was a place where transients could shelter for a short time until they moved on to Augusta back in the old days, and was still in use in the mid 1960's. No-one owned the cabin, nor the land it was built on, it was Maine state property, but it had always been there on the Winthrop/Monmouth township border ever since Nathaniel Zimmerley was a boy, and even then it was old.

Hopping out of the Ford Expedition, Mel popped her hat on and proceeded to look around the outside of the wooden and stone dwelling. It was so peaceful and tranquil out here, overlooking a tiny sliver of Lake Cobbosseecontee. Mel hadn't been out here in years, certainly not since she met Kelly Leonard... but it still looked exactly the same as she remembered it, just a bit more overgrown, and the timber shingles more grey and weathered. This was were she used to come to escape the world while trying to understand why she wasn't attracted to any of the boys in her class or those cute guys on that television show that all the other girls drooled over. Truth be told, she drooled after the girls on that show and couldn't understand why.

She squinted as she peered through the small dirty, dusty window. Alas, it was too dark to see inside, just like all those years ago.

She jiggled the rusty door handle half heartedly, but just like all those years ago, it was still locked tight.

Sheriff Leonard sighed heavily, returning to the patrol vehicle. Maybe she'd show Kelly this place one day? Right now, she had to keep working, looking for this police impersonator and the weird guy. Jumping back in the patrol vehicle, Mel turned the key in the ignition, not bothering to remove her hat from her head. The engine roared to life, then Mel drove away.

* * *

"Hello? HELLO?! HELP! HHHEEELLLPPP! NONONONONO! DON'T LEAVE US! PPPLLLEEEAAASSSEEE! HHHEEELLLPPP!" Vanessa screamed, as she suddenly hearing the sound of a V8 engine starting, and slowly fading away. It was the first time that another vehicle had been heard since their arrival, but how long ago was was still unknown to the two women.

Tears welling in her eyes, Vanessa looked over piteously at the lifeless form of Olivia, passed out from the last round of torture Lewis had subjected her to. She had heard the screams from the detective while she was in the other room of the cabin, and the yelling of Lewis' repeated question. The young defense attorney vowed to keep what she knew about Alex a secret for Olivia's sake, even if it meant enduring torture herself. The two missing women had to protect each other as much as they could, even if they couldn't physically.

* * *

Exiting the Ford Expedition to close the gate to the road entrance to the old dwelling, Mel saw a silver car slow down on the main road.

She took in the driver's appearance in the distance: a male with short dark hair, crooked nose, a charming smile and mirror aviation sunglasses. She noticed the car didn't have licence plate affixed to the front. Was this possibly the guy Officer Irvine had seen earlier?

"Can I help you, sir?" she called out.

"I... ahh... I'm fairly certain that I'm lost! My GPS told me this is the way to Augusta, but I don't think it is. You know how it is, type in the most direct route and it takes you the longest way! I'm on my way to visit a couple of friends of mine!" the man inside the vehicle said.

Mel gave him the directions to get back on the road to Augusta.

"Thankyou, Ma'am! You've been very helpful!" He gave a charming smile.

"Sir, you're missing your licence plate at the front of your vehicle!"

"So I discovered when I stopped for gas back in Portland! I notified the DMV as soon as I became aware of the situation. It must have fallen off while I was driving. I still have one at the back, thankfully."

"Ok then. Drive safely, and enjoy your stay in Maine."

"Oh I _certainly_ will!" He gave another charming smile and accelerated away.

Melanie checked the rear of the car for a licence plate as the silver car drove away, it was a Connecticut plate. It couldn't be the car Officer Irvine saw.

The man glanced up to the rear view mirror, watching the female slowly recede in the distance, muttering to himself. "Fucking bitch cops... always interfering."

Moving the sunglasses to sit on the top of his head, Lewis Williams glanced down at the large rusty key in the console of the car and laughed heartily. He had to avoid the area for a while, seeing the Sheriff's Department was sniffing around... too close for his liking, and twice in one day. He was so glad he could think fast when problems arose, like when the rookie officer pulled him over. Removing and changing the licence plates on the attorney's car with a number of different ones he'd stolen during his travels posting his envelopes made things a little easier. He never stole both licence plates from similar cars, just a single one to make it look as though it might have fallen off during the unsuspecting car owners own travels.

Right now, it was time to travel and get out of Winthrop for a few more hours.

His 'guests' could stay by themselves a while longer... it wasn't as if they were going anywhere.

Only _he_ knew where his 'guests' were, and he intended to keep it that way.


	16. Chapter 16

AN:** LBM** - Re: _"Mel being so close"_... *cackles evilly* I told you angst would occur! ;-). **HKS **- Re _"Rollins/Alex interaction; Olivia goading Lewis/Lewis mentioning Alex."_... I thought it played out better this way than if Amanda had gone ballistic... and I couldn't have Lewis always getting the upper hand. The Alex thing was a sudden muse thought and even I went... "OMG"... when my muse thought it! LOL!** Niki** - Re: _"Edge of seat"_... please don't fall off ;-). I can't type that fast, I write faster with my PC tablet and stylus, but it's being used by another family member now, so it's four fingers and two thumbs typing. I try for an update at least once a week... sometimes my muse is more bountiful, sometimes it's just... zzzzzz. ;-) I work mostly on a chapter at a time, with some details of notes/outlines/plotlines for the next couple of chapters in a file for reference (everything else is still in my head to work out details). Example: I actually wrote the last half of this chapter first, then the very beginning scene, then the rest. That's how messed up writing can be ;-)

AN2: Wow! 100 reviews, 25 faves and 70 follows amazes me seeing I thought no-one would want to read this. Thankyou to each and every one of you that's taken the time to read and/or comment :-). I think this chapter is interesting and might make a lot of readers go through a rollercoaster ride of several different emotions. I've been waiting a while to write it and it's been with my muse for a long time... since before I first read recaps of what happened in 'Her Negotiation', but what happened in the episode was the catalyst that helped give me the nudge to write it. But, the story certainly hasn't finished yet ;-). I'm not a medical doctor, so if I'm wrong, blame Google ;-). And if what my sheriff & officers do is wrong, sorry!

* * *

"Hey Kel, have I ever shown you my special spot?" Melanie turned to look at Kelly on the couch during the advertisment break while watching Rizzoli and Isles.

"Sweetie, I know _exactly_ where your _special secret spot_ is... and have known for _quite _some time!" Kelly raised her eyebrow at that statement, grinning lecherously.

Playfully wrestling with her wife, Mel burst out laughing. "No! Not that! Oh geez... I phrased that question really bad, didn't I?"

"Double entendre, ma femme!" Kelly licked her lips, climbing over and straddling Mel's thigh.

"I know you know where _that_ particular spot is... and I love it every time you remind me you know where it is," Mel's hands crept under the sides of the doctor's shirt, resting comfortably on Kelly's hips. "What I was _trying_ to ask you is: have I ever shown you the place where I used to go to escape the world when I was trying to understand that I was a lesbian?"

"No, I don't think you have," Kel shook her head, slowly unbuttoning Melanie's uniform shirt.

They shared a long, slow kiss.

"I want to show you. It's really peaceful and serene, and it's not far out of town."

"Well, we both have a few days off coming up soon that crossover ... so how about some time then?" Kelly offered, grinding down on the strong thigh, eliciting a low moan from the sheriff.

"Sounds _wonderful_. _Mmmm_... now... how about _you_ show _me _how good you are at finding that _special secret spot _you mentioned earlier?" Mel purred, leaning in to claim Kelly's mouth again, guiding the doctor's hand to her belt buckle.

Kelly suddenly climbed off, and scooted back to her side of the couch. "Sorry, can't... Rizzoli and Isles is back on."

"Are you_ serious, _Kel?!" Melanie cried exasperatedly.

"Babe! Angie Harmon _and _Sasha Alexander! Now be quiet or we'll miss the lesbian subtext." Kelly patted Mel's thigh piteously.

* * *

"Perfect timing!" Heather called out as Melanie entered the Winthrop General Store. "Can you watch the store for a bit, please? I need to go to the bank and get more change for the register. That old Mrs Coulson came in again and bought a single quart of milk with a $100 bill. I _really_ wish she'd stop doing that!"

"Haven't you worked it out by now? It's because the store is closer to her than the bank, and she only goes to the bank to get money once a month!" Mel laughed. "Sure, I'll watch the store for you... I have nothing else to do seeing it's my day off today."

"So what are you doing here? Why aren't you putting your feet up or something?"

"I'm getting things ready to surprise Kelly with a picnic to somewhere special tomorrow. So I came to get some of that macadamia and cashew nut mix, those gourmet cheeses and the specialty pear and quince pastes you stock."

"You are _such_ a romantic!" Heather sighed, then added with a grumble, "I wish your _brother_ would take a page out of your book once in a while."

"Cut him off for a while, and see how that works!" Mel laughed.

"Ok, there's enough change if anyone comes in, but I just need extra for the safe." Heather gathered what she needed and left for the bank.

Melanie was sitting behind the counter when some time later a man hurried in, grabbing a trolley. "Just gotta to top up the groceries," he called out over his shoulder.

Mel watched him on the closed circuit monitor, grabbing items from all different aisles, then place several female sanitary products in the trolley from aisle 4.

The Sheriff tried not to laugh, not even she and Kelly bought that many when they did grocery shopping. Only one thought entered Mel's mind, 'poor guy'.

He approached the checkout, hurriedly dumping the items on to the counter.

"Just passing through?" Mel tried to strike up a conversation while she scanned the groceries, as he continued to unload his trolley.

"No. Me and my girlfriend... we just moved back to the outskirts of Winthrop. I'm Wilfred Lewins, pleased to meet you." He gave a smile, extending his hand for a handshake, his attention still on unloading his groceries.

Mel knew that certainly wasn't a 'Winthrop' name.

As she went to extend her own hand, Melanie saw the scars on his fingers...

Realisation dawned on Winthrop's Sheriff: This was the weird guy Kelly had patched up at the Medical Centre.

"Sorry, I'm chirophobic. I don't like hands," Mel covered for not shaking his proffered hand.

She took his crooked nose... the charming smile... the weird guy was the lost driver she'd given directions to on Old Winthrop Road near Lake Cobbosseecontee.

"I understand. My girlfriend is agoraphobic. Can't stand to leave the cabin... which is good as I'm able to keep her on a short leash that way." He joked, laughing at his own sick humour. "Sorry, I really shouldn't talk about her like that."

Mel knew for certain now, THIS was the guy both Kelly and Heather had encountered.

He made eye contact with the blonde.

Realisation dawned on Lewis Williams: This was the cop that had been much too close for comfort.

He knew she could be taken care of then and there... the gun was tucked into the back of his jeans.

Or he could play it cool, like he had last time.

"Winthrop's so nice this time of year. Have you lived in town long?" he asked.

"All my life, actually... and I don't think your name is really Wilfred Lewins... so why don't you tell me your _real_ name?"

He was suddenly backed into an unexpected corner.

He _needed_ to be in charge.

He _always_ needed to be in control.

Only two options left: fight or flight.

He whipped out the gun from the back of of his jeans, levelling at the blonde's head. Melanie reached for her weapon on her hip, but today was her day off. She wasn't carrying her service weapon, there wasn't a need to. Mel was staring down the barrel of the gun, her life could end at any moment with the pull of a trigger.

"You _fucking_ bitch cops are _always_ interfering! You don't need to know who I am, but I think you'd make a _lovely_ guest for me."

It made her skin crawl when he looked her up and down lasciviously.

The sound of the shop door sliding open broke the tense silence.

"Hey I didn't expect you to be here, Sheriff!" Officer Alan Irvine said, before he became aware of the situation. He pulled out his service weapon, training at the largest area of the man's body. "PUT DOWN YOUR WEAPON!"

"_Sheriff_?! Oh that's even better than a _Police Officer_... or a _Detective!_" he moaned lustfully at the thought.

"PUT DOWN YOUR WEAPON! PUT IT DOWN! I WILL SHOOT IF YOU DON'T PUT DOWN YOUR WEAPON!"

Lewis pointed the gun at Officer Irvine and pulled the trigger.

Two bullets tore through the air and lodged in his body.

He slumped to the ground, clutching at the blood pouring from his body.

Officer Irvine holstered his service weapon, kicking away the gun that fell from the grasp of Lewis Williams.

"Are you hurt Sheriff?" Alan asked, concerned for his superior's wellbeing.

"I'm fine... I'm good," Mel tried to calm her nerves. She was suddenly very grateful the young rookie officer was an excellent shot, redeeming his lack of experience and knowledge. "Call 911."

Mel rounded the counter and crouched down to Lewis, "Who _are_ you?! What's your name?!"

"I'm just a nobody... the question... you should... be asking... yourself... Sheriff... is... " Lewis gasped with his few dying breaths, blood pouring from his chest, foamy blood frothing at the corners of his mouth, "... will... you... find... them?..."

The Beast's eyes slid out of focus.

The Beast was no more.

"Find _them_? Is he talking about his girlfriend? Or does he have more than one?" Mel asked aloud, looking over to Officer Irvine.

Alan shrugged while he talked on the phone.

She grabbed a box of disposable gloves off the store shelf, slipping a pair on. Picking up the gun, Mel saw the safety was still on and the gun's serial numbers were filed off. She checked the pockets of the deceased man. There was no ID on him, just a set of car keys hooked on his belt loop.

Exiting the store, Sheriff Leonard opened the driver's door of the silver car in the car park. She spotted a large rusty key in the console of car. Switching to the passenger side, she opened the glove compartment. The only 3 items were inside. There was an odd looking cylinder key, and a standard hand cuff key. The other item was a folded piece of paper with a crudely drawn map of Winthrop. A small arrow pointing to a particular spot on the map with the words '_Hobo House_'.

Hobo House?

Studying the map quickly, Mel understood.

The transient cabin at Lake Cobbosseecontee.

Shit.

She pocketed the 3 keys as Deputy Brad Zimmerley pulled up with the other Winthrop Sheriff Officer in the Ford Expedition. Mel brought him up to speed with what had occurred in the store, knowing the security cameras would have captured everything.

"Come on, Alan... you're with me."

"Shouldn't I stay?" Officer Irvine asked, unsure of protocol. Firing at the range was certainly different to what had just happened.

"Alan? I'm the Sheriff... you come with me. We'll worry about IAB later."

* * *

Pulling up at the transient cabin at Lake Cobbosseecontee, Officer Irvine grabbed 2 torches and followed Sheriff Leonard to the cabin door. The large rusty key fit perfectly in the lock. Mel took a steadying breath, turning the old door handle.

Entering the cabin, light streamed into the dark room through the opened door, and so many things stood out.

A map on the wall with numerous pins in different cities and towns in the North East.

A mattress on the floor.

A small side table with various items on it.

A polaroid type instant camera.

A pair of scissors.

A photo of a brunette woman with '_She's alive, for now' _beneath it in distinctive cursive handwriting.

A photo of a red headed woman with the same words.

A pile of blue square envelopes.

An orange cylinder with 'Rohypnol' on the label, some tablets still in the bottle.

A camp cooker on the floor, with pots and a skillet fry pan.

And then there was another door. Was there possibly another room in this cabin?

Sheriff Leonard reached out her hand and slid the bolt across. Slowly pushing open the other door, it creaked on old hinges.

There were a few stone steps down to a dark room. Melanie clicked on the torch and made her way hesitantly down, Officer Irvine following closely.

* * *

The sight they were met with was startling.

Two woman chained to opposite sides of the room. The ones from the photographs.

"_Goawaygoawaygoawaygoawaygoawaygoaway_" the brunette woman murmured repeatedly like a protective manta, shying away from the bright torch light in the dim room.

Officer Irvine moved suddenly to approach the women to get them out of this hell hole.

"_Goawaygoawaygoawaygoawaygoawaygoaway_" the brunette continued.

"Back off, Officer." Mel put her hand out, halting the young rookie from advancing any closer. "I think you should wait for the paramedics, and let them know 2 patients... ok?"

"But -"

"That's an _order_, Officer! Wait outside. You did good today Alan... now let me take it from here, alright? Leave me your jacket, though."

The young rookie nodded his understanding and retreated from the cellar, not before passing his jacket to Mel.

Sheriff Leonard waited until Officer Irvine had left the dimly lit room, eyes darting back and forth between both women on opposite walls as she shined her torch slightly towards the ground. She checked the vital signs of the red head clad in a t-shirt and panties. Breathing, but unconscious. The hand cuffs were antique, a cylinder-type key was needed.

The other old key from the glove compartment.

Mel retrieved the key from her pocket and unshackled the red head, then covering her with Officer Irvine's jacket. She turned her attention to the brunette, still shying away from the torch light.

"Ma'am... it's ok... my name is Mel... I'm with the Sheriff's Department ...you're safe now... we're gonna get you out of here," she approached slowly, using a soft soothing voice.

The brunette turned her head slightly towards Mel when she had said 'Sheriff'.

Mel saw the scelara of the brunette's left eye was completely blood red, surrounded by bruised upper and lower eye lids. The Sheriff knew that blood red whites of the eyes could mean a possible retina detachment, having heard Kelly mention it recently, or an eye socket fracture. The woman's vision could certainly be affected. She saw scars littering the arms and legs of the woman chained to the wall. She was clad in only a short sleeve button down shirt and panties. Her left ankle and foot were heavily bruised and swollen. The brunette's greasy hair was different lengths, like most had been chopped off some time ago, similarly with the red head.

"... Al?..." The brunette desperately struggled to focus on the blonde woman crouching down next to her. She reached out a shaky, hesitant hand to lightly touch Mel's cheek, "... told... you... never... cut... your... hair..."

Obviously the brunette was mistaking Mel for someone else, and trying valiantly to stay awake. "My name's Mel, sweetie. Melanie."

Melanie looked down, seeing blood covering the brunette woman's panties, thighs and beneath her on the mattress. That wasn't a good sign. Her heart sank to the pit of her stomach.

"Who did this to you? Stay with me, sweetie. Can you tell me who it was?" The Sheriff fished around for the standard hand cuff key, trying to keep the brown haired woman awake.

"...men..."

"_Men_ did this to you?! Did _more_ than one man do this? Stay with me now." Mel unlocked the handcuffs from the wall chain. The scars and bruises on both her wrists made it obvious to Melanie that she'd been repeatedly cuffed for some time.

The brunette struggled to form the words, "...men... men...stural..."

"You're menstruating?"

The brunette nodded weakly in agreement.

Wailing emergency sirens were drawing nearer with each passing moment.

"I sure hope so, honey." There was too much blood for the Sheriff's liking. Mel removed her own light jacket to cover the brunette. "What's you're name, honey? Can you tell me you're name?"

"... Liv... I... Liv..."

"That's right honey, you're going to live. We're going to get you and your friend here to the medical centre straight away." Melanie reassured the woman.

The brunette passed out as the sirens approached the cabin. Mel checked, the woman was still breathing. Only one thought was going through Mel's mind: 'Who are you?'

Mel saw Kelly enter the dimly lit room, along with 2 other paramedics a short time later, "What are you doing here?"

"Paramedics were short staffed, so I'm helping. Now tell me what you know." Kelly approached with a medical bag, the paramedics carrying spine boards, thermal blankets and other emergency equipment.

"I don't know either of their names. The red head... she was already unconscious when we entered, but breathing. The brunette... she's bleeding vaginally. She said she's menstruating before she passed out just a short while ago. But I don't know, Kel... the possibility of sexual assault... it can't be ignored. I don't know if they've both been drugged, starved, passed out from exhaustion, or a combination of all three."

Kelly checked over the brunette, "I can't be certain of anything until we get them to the hospital and checked out, so no jumping to conclusions just yet, ok? With that amount of blood... it's a possibility that she's miscarrying. I'll do SOEC kits on both to be sure, though. Now go and wait outside, please."

"But what about-"

"_Sheriff_!" Kelly cut off her wife, "You've done _your_ job, now let me do _mine_!"

* * *

Mel was pacing back and forth in the Doctors Lounge of the Medical Centre. Deputy Zimmerley was in charge of searching the transient cabin along with the 2 other Winthrop Officers. A number of Augusta Police Officers were taking care of the crime scene in the General Store. How long since she left the cabin and arrived at the Medical Centre, she had no idea.

"Melanie?" Kelly approached from the door, "There's no signs of recent sexual trauma for either women, but that doesn't mean that haven't been sexually assaulted while they've been there. It will take a few days to get the STI results back."

"Alright... ok." Mel worried her bottom lip. "What about the brunette? Was she miscarrying? Or was she menstruating?"

"Actually, neither. It's what we call a type of 'Breakthrough Bleeding'... Some women bleed, and it can seem to be like their normal menstruation cycle for several months into, or even throughout their entire pregnancy. Not common, but not unheard of either."

"So she _is_ pregnant?!" Mel rubbed the back of her neck.

"Yes, she's pregnant. The baby seems to be fine. Good strong heartbeat, just like the mother. I can only hazard a guess as to how far along she is with the portable ultrasound seeing she's barely showing at the moment, and it also depends on how well her diet and nutrition's been maintained... and who knows how that's been with these women being in that room? But you know I'm not an OBGYN. We'll have to get one over from Augusta to get a better idea of how far along she is, and do tests."

"She obviously wasn't aware that she's pregnant then."

"Not all women have telltale nausea or cravings, and sometimes it takes quite a while before a woman feels the baby move... so it's quite possible she wasn't aware," Kel explained.

"We still don't know who any of these women are. Or that guy... Oh shit! That sick fuck's the father of the baby!" Mel grimaced at the thought.

"I thought you better see this too. It might help identify the brunette at the very least." Kelly passed her iPhone across to her wife. "I saw it while we were changing her into a hospital gown. It's on her right scapula... like she's been branded with a badge or something."

"Could be a police or sheriff's badge? Geez, I hope she's not one of our own, Kelly. Looks like... is that 4-0-1-5?" Mel studied the screen, before sending a copy to her own phone.

"I think so. She also question mark shape burns to her left scapula and both biceps. I think someone's used the hook of the wire coat hanger for the most of it, and a cigarette for the full stop. She also has burns criss-crossing both the palms and backs of her hands in a large X shape; numerous large cuts to her back, legs and arms, along with cigarette burns scattered all over knuckles, toes, hands, feet and body. Her body's been used like a punching bag. Her left ankle is fractured, as is her eye socket, I'd say repeated or long time assault. I don't think she'll loose sight of her eye, but we won't know the full damage until she regains consciousness. She's in a lot worse shape than the red head, physically. The red head has cigarette and question mark burns as well. Bruises everywhere too. Both women are suffering exhaustion, dehydration and sedation."

"We found Rohypnol in the cabin."

"Hmm... that shouldn't have affected development of the baby. Prolonged sustained use throughout the pregnancy might be different, but I think it will be ok."

"The red head's not pregnant, is she?"

"No, she's not pregnant. More than likely it's just not her time of the month right now, she's having an anovulatory cycle due to intense stress."

"I better go and find out what I can. I'm sure these women have loved ones out there that are desperate to know they're alive. If I find out who these women are, specifically the brunette, I won't tell her contacts that she's pregnant over the phone. I don't think that's the right thing to do."

"I think that's a good idea, Melanie. Maybe wait until they're here... or at the very least wait until _she_ knows first. I'll inform them seeing I'm her doctor right now."

Mel nodded in agreement. She turned to leave, but suddenly pulled Kelly onto a warm embrace, pressing a soft kiss to the doctor's lips.

Having stared down the barrel of a gun wielded by a lunatic, Melanie needed to let her wife know one thing: "Love you, _so much_."

"I love you, too." Kelly embraced Mel tighter, "I'm _really_ sorry for snapping at you earlier at the cabin."

Melanie pulled back, staring lovingly into the green eyes she fell in love with all those years ago, "You were just doing you're job, sweetie. Now, I better go do mine."

* * *

Mel sat down at her office computer in the Winthrop Sheriff's station, clicking on the ViCAP link, opening and accessing the 'Violent Criminal Apprehension Program' website. It was one of only a handful of times Melanie had actually used this particular website in all the years she'd been the Sheriff of Winthrop. A majority of the time she only used the standard Police/Sheriff Check website.

Immediately, she clicked on the Missing Persons/Kidnapping link, bringing up a page of top priority missing persons within the United States of America before she could type anything.

Suddenly, all the blood drained from Melanie Leonard's face as the brunette woman currently in the hospital of Winthrop stared back at the Sheriff through the computer screen. There were no bruises to her face, and her hair was much longer... but it was without a shadow of a doubt the same woman.

Melanie clicked on the photo as Brad called out, "Mel? You here? I think I might have some information that will help identify those women! We found two NYPD badges, an NYPD issue gun and handcuffs in a hidden compartment under the floor!" He eventually entered the office and stood on the opposite side of the desk.

"Already way ahead of you, Brad! The brunette's name is Olivia Benson. She's a Detective with the NYPD Special Vicitms Unit in Manhattan. The red head's name is Vanessa Meyer. She's a defense attorney in Manhattan. Her client's name was Lewis Williams, with a whole bunch of alias' as long as your arm, disregarding the ones he told us. He abducted both women after he was released on bail, and may have contributed to the death of a male NYPD Officer. Oh my god... they've been missing since May 20th!"

"Since _May_! Oh, fucking hell! That was _months_ ago!" Brad flipped back the pages of the desk calendar.

Dialing the emergency contact number for Olivia Benson, Mel confirmed off the computer screen what Brad was attempting to work out. "Yeah, they've been missing for the last 128 days!"

At that exact moment in time, it was the afternoon of Wednesday 25th September, 2013.

* * *

End Note: Now wouldn't that be intense if Olivia was actually missing for THAT long in the show? *raises eyebrow*. Just remember, I won't see the show for probably 2 months AFTER it's aired in USA... and that's still another month away!


	17. Chapter 17

AN: **TanyaTK** - Re: _"i might have peed myself"_... ROFL! I think that is THE best compliment for writing that I've ever gotten! Thankyou! :-D... **everyone -** re: "_in shock_"... Umm, surprise? Who doesn't love an unexpected plot twist? :-D. **guest** - re: _"tired of Olivia is pregnant stories... probably won't finish it. BUT, I don't finish reading the other Olivia is pregnant stories either"_... No worries. That's your prerogative, not mine :-) Thank you for taking the time reading my story so far, but the story certainly hasn't finished yet :-)

AN2: My deepest and sincerest apologies for the delay in posting this chapter. I had to go out of town for a number of days for work, and sadly I didn't get to write anything while I was gone. I hope the chapter will make up for it though ;-). Also apologies in advance if what my Sherrif & Doctor do is wrong, but... you know... you readers are the ones spying in on their private conversations, shhh! ;-). But as before, I make **NO** apologies **WHATSOEVER** for the length nor **M** rating of this chapter for the Alex and Olivia motel morning lady loving ;-).

* * *

_**I was dreaming while I drove, ****the long straight road ahead... Uh-huh, yeah!  
****Could taste your sweet kisses, your arms open wide,  
****This fever for you was just burning me up inside!  
****I drove all night to get to you, ****is that alright? ~ **_**Roy Orbison**** (I Drove All Night)**

Melanie was silently observing Kelly checking over Olivia from the door way, making notations on different medical charts. The salt and pepper haired doctor had already checked on Vanessa in the next room along.

"I know you're not an OBGYN... but be honest Kelly, how far along do you think she is?" the Sheriff whispered as Kelly exited the doorway.

Doctor Leonard took a deep breath, placing her stethoscope back around her neck and shoulders, "I shouldn't be telling you these things. Doctor/Patient confidentiality."

They made their way back to the Doctor's Lounge, eventually sitting down next to each other with a cup of coffee in hand to continue the conversation in hushed tones.

"Kel, if she's been raped while in that cabin... I need to know. I can't imagine the horrors that these women have been subjected to while in that cellar for all that time. Ok, if it was Heather that was pregnant, how far along would you think?"

The doctor relented, "Maybe 12... 14 weeks by her size."

"Certainly fits within the time frame of the women being abducted."

"What I _do_ know is that she'll need to have an amniocentesis done relatively soon. At her age, the chances of the baby having Downs, Spina Bifida or other chromosomal problems are increased. That's if she wants to keep the baby at all. Conceived through rape? I can't even..." Doctor Leonard didn't finish the sentence as she placed her cup down on the table.

Mel steered the conversation back to a more easier direction, "Have either of them woken up yet?"

"Vanessa woke up for a few moments and is aware she and Olivia were rescued and are both in the hospital. She said 'thank you', but that's all. Olivia's been drifting in and out of consciousness. I've heard her mumbling the names 'Alex', and what sounded like 'Elle' a couple of times when I've checked on her, but nothing else."

"I can only assume that Elle is a close female friend or relation of hers. But Alex Cabot was listed as one of her emergency contacts. I left a message with him on his voice mail... Urgh! I dislike people that use those computerized voices to make their message greetings, like it's too much to do it themselves! He's probably some over ambitious Manhattan Assistant District Attorney that drives a Maserati and lives on Park Avenue, cutting deals rather than going to trial... pretentious asshole." Melanie placed her coffee cup down a little to loudly.

Kelly raised her eyebrows in surprise at her wife's sudden attitude, "Judgmental much? Alex might be a _really_ nice guy and care a lot for Olivia, for all we know. Or at the very least, he must mean a lot to Olivia... I doubt he'd be her emergency contact otherwise."

The blonde placed her head in her hands in a mixture of shame and annoyance at her own outburst, "I'm sorry babe. I know I shouldn't take my frustrations out on someone I don't even know! I'm just _so_ upset that these women were basically under our noses in Winthrop for _so_ damn long and we didn't know a damn thing about it! And we _all_ saw the guy! Talked to him even! _You_ patched him up for crying out loud... and _I_ gave him directions! If only I'd checked ViCAP earlier-"

"You still wouldn't have known, Melanie."

"Damn it, Kelly! I was _at_ that cabin!"

"Hey now, you _can't_ blame yourself for this. Vanessa thanked you for rescuing the both of them, remember? Those women would _still_ be in that cabin if it weren't for _you_! _THAT_ guy is to blame... no-one else, you hear me? _No-one else_." Kelly rubbed soft, soothing circles with her hand on Melanie's back. "Did you get in touch with any other of their emergency contacts or medical proxies, sweetie?"

"I was able to contact Captain Cragen... that was Olivia's other emergency contact. As for Vanessa, her family are trying to get flights from Ohio as soon as possible."

* * *

Alex tossed her cell phone and charger into her attaché bag in annoyance as she gathered the paperwork at 1 Hogan Place for the impending extradition from New Mexico after a full morning in court. The battery had died some time between lunch and now when she discovered the phone was much more quiet than normal. Damn smartphones. She figured she'd be able to charge it in her Prius, currently in the car park of the 16th Precinct, after she picked up Detective Joe Dumas then over at LaGuardia while they waited for their flight to depart at 6pm that evening. One thing she was glad about as she made her way towards the elevator to catch a taxi to Hell's Kitchen, she had the foresight to pack her overnight bag in the trunk on a whim when she left that morning, rather than having to return back to her apartment as the extradition has still been up in the air at that point in time.

Her routine had been set early on: Alex would leave her apartment, check in with Don Cragen at the 1-6 for any word on Olivia and Vanessa, he would let her know if anything had changed overnight, she would then exit his office, pause a moment at Olivia's desk, then proceed to 1 Hogan or to 60 Centre St for court. Alex would again check in with Don at the end of the day to know if any envelopes had arrived during the day but he would never reveal to her the contents, before returning home to eventually cry herself to sleep while clutching the photograph, knowing Olivia was out there, somewhere.

Definitely not safe, and certainly not warm.

Once a week, Alex would place a fresh bunch a Mixed Zinnias in a vase on Olivia's desk for the squad to remember their missing co-worker. If she was required to stay for any interviews at SVU, Alex commandeered Olivia's desk even though there was an office specifically set aside for both her and Rafael Barba. Nick Amaro raised his eyebrows each time Alex sat at or on Olivia's desk, but said nothing. Neither Don Cragen, John Munch or Odafin Tutuola would bat an eyelid when the blonde was seated there. Joe Dumas didn't seem to worry either, but he would become nonchalantly preoccupied when a certain other ADA walked in to the bullpen.

Only Alex had become aware that Rafael Barba and Joe Dumas knew each other in passing when Barba was previously assigned in Brooklyn, and had become reacquainted at Brian Cassidy's funeral. If anyone else in the squad _was_ aware, they kept it to themselves. At the time of Brian's funeral, Alex wasn't alert to them knowing each other having left as soon as the service ended, but after seeing Joe approach Rafael as he jogged away from her at Strawberry Fields, she figured it out fairly easily. She didn't pry too much into their budding relationship, but let both men know individually she thought they made a handsome couple. It surprised Alex at how well she worked with Rafael when they did. She had been a little skeptical initially, but Olivia had said to her when they had dinner at the Whitney that Barba reminded the detective of Alex in some respects. He was sassy and quick witted, and commanded the court room similarly to her.

On Tuesday and Saturday afternoons, Alex would visit Amanda Rollins at Bellevue. Amanda had been in the Dual Diagnosis Detox program for 86 days so far and was eligible to leave whenever she wanted to having completed detox successfully, but she had voluntarily chosen to remain until day 100, still trying to come to terms through therapy that she was not responsible for Olivia's disappearance. Bill Harriman visited Amanda with Alex on the odd occasion. Amanda said she didn't know where to begin to repay him for his generosity, his reply to her was to keep doing what she'd been doing so far and complete detox. All the squad had visited Amanda during her stay at one time or another, some more than others. Munch was a regular visitor, knowing how mental illness could be negatively perceived by others having had his ex-wife Gwen and his uncle Andrew valiantly battle those demons. Don, Fin, Rafael also visited as often as they could. Even though they had met only once before, Joe also made time to visit. Nick had visited a couple of times, but trying to raise his daughter and connect with his recently discovered son made it difficult. Casey Novak visited a handful of times seeing she once been engaged to Charlie, a schizophrenic who refused to take his medication.

Casey had joined Alex a few times for dinner, as has Serena Southerlyn, but while Alex went out and enjoyed the company, her heart wasn't really in it because those 'dinner dates' were her and Olivia's 'thing'. In a way, even though they only taken a tiny step towards a relationship, Alex felt in her heart and mind as though she was cheating on the missing detective.

Sunday and any other spare day she had was the day that Alex would spend a few hours at Strawberry Fields. Olivia was never far from her thoughts. Why wouldn't she be? Olivia was her... everything.

She was shaken from her reverie as the taxi pulled up at the curb in front of the 16th precinct and the driver asked for his fare. Alex didn't even remember getting in the taxi, let alone the entire drive over from 1 Hogan Place. She paid her fare, entered the building, then pressed the number on the elevator for the floor that housed Manhattan's SVU.

* * *

Don Cragen put down the telephone in a mixture of stunned silence and overwhelming relief. He grabbed his packed bag from the locker in his office then a few items from his desk drawer.

Alex exited the elevator, approaching Rafael and Joe who were talking about the impending extradition.

"You ready to leave, Detective?"

Joe walked back over to his desk, grabbing is duffel bag. "Let's get going, Cabot!"

"We'll see you guys tomorrow night," John called out, pouring coffee for himself.

Fin and Nick called out their goodbyes from their desks while writing up reports as Cragen entered the bullpen.

"Hold on! Listen up, people! There's been a major change of plan. No arguments!"

Everyone turned to face the SVU Captain.

"As at right now: Barba, you'll be overseeing the extradition from New Mexico with Dumas now..."

Cabot opened her attaché bag on Olivia's desk to give him the associated paperwork. "Now you get to spend the night with your man," whispered Alex out the corner of her mouth to Rafael, who was standing next to her.

Barba tried not to smile as he exchanged a momentary look with Joe.

"...Fin, you're paired up with Amaro now. John, you're now in charge..."

"What, again?! Wonderful." John dead panned.

"... and Cabot, you're with me."

Alex was bewildered. Why on earth would she need to accompany Don? Cragen tossed a keychain and key to Alex which she caught one handed. It only took a moment for the blonde to recognise the Wisconsin State Quarter Keychain as the one she told Olivia to get rid of in the the morning at the motel. The key attached was to Olivia's locker. Realisation dawned instantly, her hand touching the necklace.

Olivia.

A quick look at Don, and a single confirming nod of his head had Alex turning towards the SVU locker room immediately. All the detectives kept a couple of spare sets of clothes in their lockers, just in case. Olivia always kept an overnight bag with 2 spare changes of everything, and bathroom toiletries.

"Olivia's been found alive." Don said simply to the rest of the squad. Everyone started talking over the top of each other, asking the same questions. When? Where? How? What about Lewis?

"Both she and Vanessa Meyer were found about couple of hours ago in a small town near the capital of Maine. Lewis Williams is dead. Shot twice by the Sheriff's Department when he pulled a gun on the Sheriff and tried to shoot a Sheriff Officer. Both Liv and Vanessa are currently unconscious, but stable in the local hospital."

"So why's Cabot going? I'm Liv's partner!" Nick sulked petulantly.

Alex turned on her heel and walked back when she heard that comment. "I expected that kind of response from Elliott Stabler, not you Nick! I'll be going because I'm one of Olivia's medical proxies and emergency contacts. After Elliott retired, I became hers and she became mine!"

She made her way quickly back to the locker room, opening Olivia's locker. Even though the locker hadn't been opened for 4 months, Olivia's scent still lingered on her clothes, and Alex couldn't help but inhale deeply. Exactly as she remembered. Purely Olivia Benson. Packing the bag hastily, Alex also grabbed Olivia's leather jacket knowing it would be much cooler in Maine than New York.

"Where about in Maine is Olivia?" Alex asked, entering the Captain's office.

"Little town called Winthrop just outside the capital. Damn! The earliest available flights to Augusta from anywhere near by isn't until 2am." Cragen looked up from his computer at the ADA.

Checking her watch, it was a little before 4pm now. Alex shook her head, that wasn't good enough. She grabbed her car keys from her skirt pocket, "We'll take my car then."

"It's almost an 6-7 hour drive, Alex!"

"I honestly don't care. Olivia's been gone for 128 days. I am _NOT_ waiting _any_ longer than necessary to see her!" Alex might have sounded selfish by that statement, she knew everyone at SVU was worried for Olivia's safety and wellbeing just as much as she was, but certainly not in the way she was. But at that moment in time she didn't care. Olivia was the priority. Olivia was _her_ priority. "You can wait, but I'm not." Alex said with finality, turning to leave.

"Hold up Alex! Ok, we'll drive to Maine."

"You drive first, if you don't mind. I have to let Cutter know I'll be away for a while." Alex said, tossing Don the car keys, then exiting the office.

"No problem."

"Please don't forgot to let Amanda know Olivia's been found," Alex relayed to John as she stopped at Olivia's desk to grab the detective's overnight bag, waiting for Don to catch up.

"Already sent Fin and Nick over to inform her, Teflon. I'm letting Stabler know right now," he replied, quickly standing to pull the ADA into a one armed hug while dialing numbers on the telephone. "Give Olivia our love, won't you?"

"Absolutely, John."

"And be sure _you_ give her one of these," Munch placed a quick kiss on Alex's cheek. Cabot saw the glint in his eye and the mischievous grin when he pulled back.

"For whose benefit? Or did you finally find a reason to kiss me?"

"That's up to you to decide. But just make sure _you_ give it to her... however _you_ see fit!" the Sergeant said with a laugh. "... Oh hey Kathy... it's John Munch..."

Both the Captain and ADA made made their way from the elevator to the car park. Alex was even more grateful for packing her overnight bag, now being able to get to Maine even faster. Plugging in her phone into the car charger, a strong wave of relief washed over Alex as she checked her voice mail just before contacting Mike Cutter, she _had_ received a call from a Sheriff Mel Leonard informing her Olivia had been found. The Sheriff was very vague with the details of Olivia's condition apart from currently unconscious, but stable. Alex programmed the GPS for Winthrop as Don exited the car park, making idle chit-chat with the Captain. He had received pretty much the exact same information as Alex had on her voice mail.

As New York state receded in the background, Alex absentmindedly toyed with the keychain, her mind wandering back to the early morning at the motel...

* * *

_"...Alex..."_

She was woken to the sound of her name being murmured near her ear, Alex's eyes drifted in to focus on the red numbers illuminating the motel bedside clock.

3.14am

_"...Alex..."_

"Hmm?" Alex tried to move and roll over and face Olivia, but the brunette's hold around her waist wouldn't waiver. They had barely moved from their original positions all night.

_"...Alex..."_

"Liv?"

_"...Alex..."_

"What is it? Is something wrong?" the blonde whispered.

Alex was beginning to panic, her eyes darting around the dark motel room. Was her life in danger? Was it Liam Connors or someone associated with Cesar Velez? She tried to stay calm, Olivia was with her for this very reason tonight.

A soft noise of pure contentment sounded from Olivia's throat as she snuggled closer to Alex's back.

_"...mmm...Alex..."_

Eventually relaxing, a small smile curled the corners of Alex's mouth when she realised Olivia suffered from a form of parasomnia.

Somniloquy.

Olivia Benson was a sleep talker.

_"...this...Alex...Mom..."_

Alex never had the privilege to meet Serena Benson before she passed away. It was after the accident that Olivia slowly opened up to Alex about her childhood. Alex, eventually in time, told Olivia about loosing her father when she was around the age of 13.

Liv moved her arm around the blonde's torso, protectively yet possessively pulling Alex even closer to the detective's body. Alex didn't object to having Olivia hold her this way. It was quite comforting to the blonde, as a matter of fact.

_"...El...Kath...Alex...mine..."_

"Yes, Liv. Yours. No-one elses."

_"...Alex..."_

_"...love...you...Alex..."_

Tears suddenly threatened to fall from Alex's eyes at the surprisingly intimate, yet unguarded revelations from the brunette. Would Olivia remember this conversation whatsoever? In a few hours time she would be testifying at the trial of Liam Connors, then would be taken to a completely different motel to see Bill Harriman. With Olivia unaware in her half asleep state and with the possibility of never seeing the detective again, this was perhaps Alex's only chance to finally tell the truth out aloud. Even if Olivia would never _know_ the truth.

"I-I love you too, Olivia."

_"...long...time...Alex..."_

"Yes Olivia... I've loved you for a _very, very_ long time."

_"...me...too..."_

Silence descended on the motel room again for a short while.

_"...Alex..."_

_"...El...Alex...alive..."_

"That's right, Liv. I'm alive because of you."

_"...Alex..."_

___"...Alex..."_

"Yeah?"

_"...you...marry...me..."_

Alex's breath hitched. She was instantly torn, she didn't know what to do. In her heart, she would say 'yes' without a moments hesitation, but her head said it was the wrong thing to say right now if Olivia remembered _any_ part of this, as was saying 'no' outright.

She settled on her response.

"One day, Liv. One day."

_"...Alex...promise..."_

"I promise, Olivia."

Her heart ached. She had made promises to Olivia already that she didn't know if she'd be able to make them happen, and this promise was truthfully the most heartbreaking of all, even if Olivia wasn't consciously aware of it.

Closing her eyes, Alex was starting to drift off from the silence when Olivia started mumbling again.

_"...Alex..."_

___"...Alex..."_

"Yes, Liv?"

_"...Alex...stay..."_

Tears finally escaped Alex's eyes, silently sliding down on to the pillow. The pain was too much to keep inside any more.

"I really wish I could, Olivia. You know that. But you'll _always_ be with me. You don't know this Liv, but you hold my heart. You have since I first met you."

_"...protect...Alex...__always...__"_

"I know Liv, I know you will."

Another brief silence was broken.

_"...Alex...safe...now...El..."_

"I'm always safe with you, Olivia."

_"...Alex...with...me..."_

Olivia sighed contently, moving her hand lower to delicately cup Alex's centre.

___"...my...Alex..."_

"Your Alex," the blonde affirmed.

_"...Alex..."_

The New York motel room was silent once again.

The ex-ADA gave her own contented sigh placing her own hand on top of Olivia's, slowly drifting back to sleep.

* * *

Don shook Alex's shoulder lightly as he unbuckled his safety belt, "Alex?... Alex?..."

"Hmm? Wh-why are we stopped? Are we there already?" Alex rubbed away the sleep from her eyes, the keychain firmly still in her grasp. She rarely fell asleep while travelling, but very rarely was Alex Cabot the vehicle passenger.

"I know you'd want to keep driving to get to Olivia, but Maine is still about 3 hours away..."

Alex looked down at her watch, it was only just after 7pm.

"...and neither of us would have eaten since lunchtime. I also think a bathroom break would be a good idea... as would more gas."

The ADA was about to protest, when Don added "I'm sure Olivia would want us to be driving sensibly, don't you? She wouldn't want us causing an accident due to fatigue or something."

Alex acquiesced.

After eating dinner at the roadside diner for a good half an hour break, and grabbing a large coffee to go, Alex took over as driver. It wasn't long before Cragen was dozing in the passenger seat. Alex returned to the morning at the motel, the Wisconsin State Quarter keychain now in the console of the car as she took a sip of her coffee, now residing in her thermal travel mug...

* * *

The aroma of freshly brewed coffee was what woke Alex from her slumber. A steaming ceramic mug placed next to the motel clock, reading 6.15am.

Sitting up, Alex stretched languidly. The bed sheets pooling around her waist, she ran her fingers through her hair trying to tame her golden tresses, finally reaching for a swig of caffeine goodness.

"Thankyou," she indicated the coffee.

From across the room a currently very loosely robed Olivia called out as she unloaded the recently arrived breakfast trolley, "No problem... nice bedhead, Alex."

Replacing the mug on the bedside table, a nude Alex proceeded to the bathroom not before retorting over her shoulder, "Nice sleep talking, Liv. Very interesting indeed!"

Several items of cutlery suddenly crashed on to the dining table.

"Oh?! Wha-what did I say?" The detective was trying to sound quite nonchalant, but there was a minute hint of panic in her voice.

It was clear to Alex that Olivia didn't remember anything of what she'd said a few hours earlier, but couldn't help milking the situation a little longer as she reentered the motel room, "Now, that wouldn't be fair to reveal such intimate details of the a private conversation with a sleeping Olivia to an awake Olivia!"

"_Conversation_?!" The blush began to spread on a now very much naked Olivia's face and chest, walking away from the dining table back toward the bed.

"You're an adorable conversationalist in your sleep!" Alex laughed, reaching out a hand to stop Liv.

Overwhelmingly embarrassed, Olivia crawled face first on to the bed, burying her head in the pillows. Alex could see she'd probably pushed too far. "Hey, I didn't mean to upset you, Olivia. You didn't say anything bad or rude, it was just unexpectedly cute." Alex crawled back on to the bed, eventually setting to lay on top of Olivia's back. Pressing a soft kiss to the back of Olivia's neck, Alex ran a comforting hand up and down Olivia's side, from lightly brushing the outer swell of the brunette's breast down to the swell of her hip then back again. Lying there like they were right then felt so right.

"Alex, I haven't really done anything like that since I was a child, and never a conversation! I used to just say Mommy or Mom a couple of times during the night."

"Liv, if it makes you feel any better... I used to wet the bed, until I was 8 years old. Now you know something embarrassing about me. But don't you _dare_ tell anyone!"

Olivia peered back over her shoulder, "At least your not still doing it!"

Alex dramatically downplayed Liv's sleep talking to placate the brunette, and perhaps help Olivia forget her embarrassment. "You weren't so much talking, as mumbling... nonsense words really... and I much prefer that than to men snoring," she looked deeply into brown eyes, snaking hand around to cup the breast fully, pinching and rolling Olivia's nipple before pressing her mouth to the detective's lips. Their mouths and tongues refamiliarising themselves, "Perhaps... maybe it was because of the certain company you had last night?"

"Jack Hammond? Noooo, I much more enjoy the company I have now," Olivia gently tugged on Alex's lower lip, eliciting a moan from the blonde.

Alex's hand still tenderly kneading Olivia's breast, "Flattery _and_ flirting... I like that Detective Benson."

The ex-ADA shifted, pressing her knee between the back of Olivia's legs, opening her up as Alex began grinding down on the back of Liv's thigh. Olivia's head fell forward and to the side while Alex scattered kisses, licks and bruising but gentle bites on tanned back, neck and shoulders, marking several spots. Eventually the blonde made her way to that sweet spot on Olivia's neck, drawing out a low moan of unadulterated arousal. Olivia lifted her hip up marginally allowing Alex access to cup her core, before setting back down on Alex's hand and fingers.

"We... we're su-supposed to... _mmm_... be having... break...fast... and g-getting... you ready... for court," panted Liv, grinding down wantonly on Alex's hand.

"_SHHhhh_... breakfast... and court... later... _mmm_... this now," Alex gasped. She could feel the wetness from Olivia gathering on her hand, her own wetness slicking on Liv's thigh. As she ground down harder on Olivia's thigh, she slowly slid her middle finger between Liv's folds, brushing on the bundle of nerves allowing Olivia to spiral higher each time the brunette ground down. This was their last opportunity to be together, possibly ever. "Want... you... again."

"Me too... but... face to face... Alex." Olivia negotiated, reluctantly slowing her grinding thrusts.

"Uh-huh... " Alex let out a shaky breath, also slowing her hips.

Both women took a few moments to cool down and pull back from falling over the edge of ecstasy. Slowly, Alex rose up off Olivia's back to kneel upright on the bed as Olivia turned over then mirrored Alex's kneeling position. Liv's eyes darted downward as she shimmied closer to Alex, a shadow of smug pride ghosted over the detective features as she zeroed in on the now very purple bruise under the peace tattoo on the blonde's lower hip. Then even more when she saw Alex's clitoris peeking out ever so slightly from swollen folds, but the SVU detective was just as aroused.

Olivia pulled Alex closer into a tender embrace, which the ex-ADA reciprocated. Hands languidly caressing, stroking and exploring now familiar terrain. Both pulled back slightly, staring lustfully onto the others eyes, then watched the other's tongue dart out to moisten their lips in anticipation. They were only mere inches away from closing the small gap between them, each could feel the other's breath warming their face, waiting for the other to make the move. This was their moment to cherish, no-one and nothing else mattered.

No work.

No Wit Sec.

No perps.

No court.

Just Alex Cabot and Olivia Benson.

Both women moved forward, finally closing the small gap between them. Tongues and mouthes swirling, gliding and moving together. Even though they had only a short time left together in the private cocoon of this motel room, they refused to hurry this sensual dance. Olivia smiled into the current kiss when she brushed her hand over Alex's abdomen, feeling it tremble and quiver once more. Alex placed her hand on top of Liv's, guiding it lazily but purposely down through her wet, swollen folds to her opening.

"Not yet," Alex pleaded breathlessly before Olivia could slide any fingers inside. "Wait for me."

Olivia nodded her comprehension, waiting for Alex to position herself the same way.

Simultaneously, they slid inside the other as their mouthes came together, battling for dominance. The duel sensation of filling and being filled at once, glorious. Beginning a slow curling and scissoring rhythm to find that oh so wonderful spot in their front walls, palms slapping and massaging clits, breasts and nipples brushing together, building the pace faster and becoming more frenzied with each thrust. Eventually breaking apart for air, Olivia crept her mouth to Alex's neck, suckling gently on the pulse point, finally sending Alex crashing over the edge. The brunette followed a moment later, as she felt Alex's warm sheath of clinging muscles desperately and greedily trying to swallow her digits even further inside. Neither women bothering to stifle their noises of pure ecstasy as they came in synchronicity, each holding on to the other for dear life, eventually collapsing back on to the bed. Alex atop Olivia.

Long moments passed by as they eventually pieced themselves back together to the here and now.

Alex smiled demurely, licking her fingers of Olivia's essence after she removed them. Olivia copied, savouring the highly intimate moment in more ways than one, then claimed the blonde's mouth once again. Each of their own arousals mixing together to create a unique intoxicating taste that was purely them.

"Breakfast now," Olivia unwillingly ended the kiss, but not the embrace.

"I thought we just did," Alex smirked, waggling her eyebrows.

"I'm sure that's _dessert_."

"I think I like this version better."

"You and me both."

Olivia's cell phone rang, immediately breaking the bubble. As she scrambled to answer it, Alex grabbed a robe off the floor from the night before, slipping it on loosely as she reentered the bathroom to wash her hands.

"That was El. He said he's leaving Queens a little earlier because traffic's a nightmare already. He'll still be here by 8, he just wanted to give me a heads up," Olivia explained from the bathroom door, slipping on her robe again, then also washed her hands.

"That's nice... just like this _thing_, Liv!" Alex indicated the red mark on her neck, exiting the bathroom.

Olivia cringed, "I didn't think it would mark _that_ bad! It should fade a lot by the end of the day. You're lucky it's not a bruise!"

Opening her small overnight bag, Alex began rummaging through the contents, "At least your marks I gave you are easily covered by the clothes you intend to wear!"

"Can't you cover it with makeup?"

"It'll look too obvious! I was going to wear a really nice plum coloured V front blouse with a red skirt, but now I'm going to have to wear a turtleneck! Urgh, I packed an ugly turtleneck in this bag. My other bag is with the Marshals for the new motel tonight!"

"You'll make it work. You're Alexandra Cabot remember. You could wear a... plastic garbage bag or... a potato sack and still look breathtaking," Olivia stated honestly.

Alex layed out the turtleneck and skirt on the bed to see how well they went together. Not that bad, but the plum blouse would have been so much better. Smoothing a hand over the skirt, Alex felt something odd in one of the front pockets. Puzzled, she unbuttoned the pocket and closed her hand around something metal and cold.

"Ah, so _that's_ where the spare set of house keys were. I was sure I'd lost them. Better give them back to Hammond before court this morning," Alex struggled to removed the keys from the split ring attached to the keychain. Olivia grabbed them from her, eventually removing the all keys. Alex took the keys, then tossed keychain in the empty little trash can in the motel room.

"What are you doing?!" Olivia fished the keychain back out.

"Liv, it's a Wisconsin keychain. I can't have it anymore, I'll be getting a new identity remember. I... ahh... I initially bought it in a deluded attempt to remind me that I'm still a Cabot when I first arrived there."

Olivia looked over the keychain again, "It's got a cow head, a corn cob and a wheel of cheese on it. I don't understand."

"It's utterly absurd because I don't even like it... but... Cabot Cheese."

Liv tried not to laugh, but failed.

"I _told_ you it was absurd. Now get rid of it!"

Alex went to snatch the keychain out of Olivia's hand, but Liv batted her hand away.

"_No!_ I... ahh... need a new keychain for my... spare locker key, yeah... so... this will save me buying a new one." Olivia justified, stashing the keychain in her own overnight bag.

Alex rolled her eyes at the lame excuse, "You'd _better_ throw that out!"

"Yes, ok! I'll get rid of it _just for you_! Breakfast, NOW!" Olivia directed Alex away from her bag and over to dining table.

After breakfast and showering separately, Olivia gathered up her badge and gun from the lamp table. Both her and Alex's overnight bags near the motel door. Elliott Stabler would be here soon. She noticed Alex pacing the motel room, lost in her own thoughts.

"Now if I don't get to tell you this in private later, I'll tell you now. Number one: don't forget to act surprised when I leave as soon as the trial is over. And number two: Olivia... thankyou." Alex stopped pacing and turned to face the detective. She rapidly blinked away the tears threatening to fall. Her emotions were all over the place.

"What for?" Liv intwined her hand in Alex's, feeling the warmth and softness of it.

"For reminding me that no matter what happens in court with this trial, and no matter who I will become when I return to Wit Sec... that I still _am_ Alex Cabot _in here_," she used the words Olivia had said to her barely 12 hours previous, taking Olivia's hand to place it again over her heart and breast.

Hesitantly moving her other hand to cup Alex's cheek, Olivia softly pressed her lips to Alex's once more. Slowly backing Alex up against the motel door, the detective continued to claim the lips of the woman against the door for one final time. Long moments passed, the kiss deepening as the seconds ticked by.

A sharp knock to the door halted any further progress. Elliott Stabler had arrived. Their time alone was at an end. Breaking apart, both women rested their foreheads together, taking a few calming breaths before untangling themselves and moving away from the door, not wanting Elliott to know they were so close.

"Just a minute," Olivia called out. Her gun at the ready, just in case.

Taking a few moments to make sure it looked as though nothing was out of the ordinary, straightening clothes and hair, Alex sat down at the dining table as Olivia opened the door.

"Hey Liv. Hey Alex. Ready for court?"

Alex shared a look with Olivia. The information the detective had secretly given her last night still fresh in her mind.

"Ready as I'll ever be," Alex said with conviction...

* * *

The flow of traffic had suddenly slowed to a stop just outside Lewiston, Maine.

By the information on the GPS, Alex knew she was so close, and yet still so far from the destination. She wanted to thump the steering wheel and rage at the world for being delayed getting to Olivia right now.

After an hour of waiting in the car, the traffic began to crawl again at almost midnight.

Cragen awoke as the Prius finally neared what was causing the delay.

Emergency vehicle sirens.

Flashing blue, white and red lights.

Mangled wreakage everywhere in both directions.

A terrible 4 car pile up.

Bodies strewn over the road now covered in sheets.

She proceeded with caution past the accident, following the Traffic Police Officer's directions.

At that moment, Alex knew that whoever's family and loved ones those people belonged to had been irreversibly changed forever.

_**No one can move me the way that you do,**_  
_**Nothing erases this feeling between me and you!**_  
_**I drove all night to get to you, i**_**_s that all right?_ ~ Roy Orbison (I Drove All Night)**

* * *

End Note: Yes I am well aware that Cyndi Lauper sings that song, so does Celine Dion. It was written for Roy Orbison, and he recorded it first. His version was released posthumously, and is a much more haunting version than the others. It's his version I think best suits the story :-) The keychain in the story is real. Just Image Google "Wisconsin State Quarter Keychain", and you'll see what I'm trying to refer to :-).


	18. Chapter 18

AN: **HSK** - re: "_Loved the smut and the fluff_"... Well I did hint to flashing back to the motel morning ;-). Had to have a bit of both smutty and fluffy goodness after all the intensity of the last few chapters. **Bkwrmchar** - re: "_Wonder if Vanessa will still want to be a defense atty. after she recovers_"... I have a couple of ideas I'm toying with for what Vanessa could do, but I still think law will play a part. I might put the options on the table and have the readers decide when that part of the story comes up a bit later :-). **IMBE** - re: "_Poor Alex having to endure such a long drive to get to Liv_"... I know, I'm sorry! But having Alex just hopping on plane would've been much too easy ;-). I just really wanted to show that Alex couldn't and wouldn't wait a moment longer knowing Olivia had been found and would do anything to get to her, including driving all night, hence the line in the song ;-) And the song lyrics (I was dreaming while I drove) also helped segue the motel flashback ;-)

AN: I know, I know! You were all expecting an Alex and Olivia reunion last chapter. Trust me, I had initially planned it to be, but seeing I basically skipped from day 42 (July 1st) to day 128 (September 25th) of Olivia missing from Alex's perspective (with a day of Alex visiting Amanda, about a week or 2 after her rehab began) I believe a catch up chapter was warranted. I promise this **IS** the chapter our lovely ladies reunite, lots of dialogue and perhaps there might be a tear shed? As always, **thankyou** to everyone that takes the time to read and/or comment, PM, fave, follow the story. I appreciate it immensely :-) Apologies in advance if any medical stuff is incorrect. I'm not a medical professional, I'm only using Google.

* * *

_****__**Tears stream down your face,**_  
_**When you lose something you cannot replace.**_  
_**Tears stream down your face,**_  
**_And I..._ ~ ********Coldplay (Fix You)**

Don Cragen sadly shook his head in regret at the total carnage on the road as the Prius slowly passed by, "Probably speeding... drunk... or they fell asleep at the wheel."

He had seen enough bodies being pulled from cars when he was a Police Officer not long out of the academy to know the statistics of driving at night.

Alex was now grateful that she and Don had taken a break to reduce fatigue a few hours previous.

"Those people's families...their lives will _never_ be the same again," the ADA said with sad sigh as they drove through Lewiston heading for Winthrop.

Fateful words.

How little did Alex know that both her and Olivia's lives had also changed forever.

* * *

Pulling in to the car park at the Winthrop Medical Centre, Alex took a moment to prepare herself mentally. She glanced at her watch, it was just a couple of minutes until it ticked over to September 26th. She was _finally_ going to see Olivia after all this time.

Entering the small hospital, Cragen pulled out his shield at the Nurses station. "I'm Captain Donald Cragen with the NYPD's SVU. I've been informed that Olivia Benson was rescued from a cabin not far out of Winthrop and is currently here as a patient... and that I need to speak to a Sheriff Leonard. We're Detective Benson's emergency contacts and medical proxies." Don indicated himself and Alex.

"Ok, Captain. If you could just wait here and I'll go get the Doctor and the Sheriff for you," the female nurse said, not before studying the shield carefully.

The on-duty nurse made her way to the Doctor's Lounge, popping her head around the corner. Both Kelly and Mel were on the lounge sitting closely to each other. Kelly wide awake, Mel was resting her head on Kelly's shoulder, her eyes closed.

"Doctor Leonard? There's a Captain Donald Cragen at the Nurse's station asking for the Sheriff. He says he's Ms Benson's medical proxy. And there's a blonde haired woman with him too."

"Thankyou, Beverley. We'll be there in a moment." Kelly replied.

As the nurse left, Kelly patted Mel on the leg to wake her up. "Honey, Captain Cragen's here for Olivia. Looks like Elle is too."

Mel yawned and stretched, "Oh, so Alex didn't show up? Maybe he _is_ a pretentious asshole. I'd drop everything to get to someone who had listed me as _their _medical proxy!"

"That's because we're each others medical and emergency contacts, babe. I know you'd drop everything to get to me, and I'd do the same for you. Maybe Alex is working, or hasn't been able to get a flight out yet. I'm sure he'll get here as soon as he can." Kelly pressed a quick kiss to Mel's lips before they exited the Doctors Lounge. Kelly and Melanie approached the Nurses Station side by side.

"Ah Captain Cragen, I'm Doctor Kelly Leonard..." she extended her hand to shake the Captain's, "... this is Sheriff Melanie Leonard, my wife..." more handshakes were exchanged, "... and I presume you must be Elle."

Alex shook the hand of Dr Leonard, but raised her eyebrows at the unexpected presumption. "El?! Why would you presume I'm El? I'm Alex Cabot, I'm listed as one of Olivia Benson's emergency contacts. I was left a message on my voice mail by Sheriff Leonard even!"

Kel raised her own eyebrows in utter surprise, "I'm _so_ sorry. I had been led to believe that Alex was a _man_." The doctor threw a look in Mel's direction as the shaggy pixie cut blonde rubbed the back of her neck, purposely avoiding eye contact with both Kelly and Alex.

"I can assure you I'm most certainly not. And if you think that El is a woman, I'm not _quite_ sure the 6ft ex-Marine father of 5 named Elliott would appreciate _that_ assumption!" Alex laughed lightly as Cragen chuckled, shaking his head no.

"Yes well, we all know the saying about when you _assume_," Kelly turned and gave Melanie another pointed stare, the Sheriff had the decency to cringe and blush.

Alex studied the current interaction between Kelly and Melanie, then directed her comment to the salt and pepper haired doctor. "Ah, _you_ have one that jumps to conclusions too."

"You could say that!" Kel laughed.

"Reminds me a lot like Olivia... maybe it's a cop thing?" Alex winked. She could tell she was certainly going to get on well with the doctor.

"I think you might be right," the doctor nodded in agreement.

"Hey!" Don and Mel retorted in unision, which caused Kelly and Alex to laugh more.

"Dare I say, I rest my case?" Alex offered.

"And _that_ sounds very much like a _lawyer_ thing," Mel retorted quietly, folding her arms defensively.

"So aren't you glad Alex works for the prosecution and not the defense then!" Don chipped in. "I'm still trying to work out why you assumed Alex was called El?"

"Olivia was saying the names 'Alex' and 'El' while she's been in and out of consciousness... you know what, _Mel_ can explain her presumptions if she'd like. But knowing my wife, she's too embarrassed already! Aww, and I think we've made her even more flustered." Kelly grinned, patting Mel on the arm piteously.

Alex didn't worry that Mel had made the assumption that she was a man, Mel wasn't the first and Alex knew Mel wouldn't be the last. Alex didn't bother to supress her smile, "Liv _still_ says my name in her sleep."

"So you and Olivia are...?" Mel enquired, trying to direct the focus away from herself.

"Complicated." Alex turned to look at Mel, "Thankyou for finding her and rescuing her... both of them, actually. We _really_ need to see her now."

"As I said, she's been in and out of consciousness since she arrived. She may be awake, but don't be surprised if she's not. Alex, if she _is_ awake, be prepared... the scelara of her left eye, that's the white part, is completely red. It can be a bit shocking when you see it for the first time, so there's no need to panic. It's most likely a subconjunctival hemorrhage due to repeated assult to the left eye socket, but we can't rule out a retinal tear or detachment completely until we speak to Olivia and she says if her vision is affected."

Alex turned to Don, but he waved her away. "No, you go ahead."

"But what about-"

"Alex, trust me. _You_ go first. I know how much Olivia means to you, and how much these last few months have been for you. I'll be there in a little while."

"Thankyou," Alex nodded her appreciation to Cragen.

As Alex headed towards Olivia after being pointed to the room a few doors away in one direction, Kelly and Mel lead Don to the Doctors Lounge a few doors in the opposite direction for coffee. Sitting at the table, Mel explained what had happened with Lewis. The false identities, the lies, what happened in the General Store, and the cabin. Kelly explained to Don all of the injuries that Olivia had suffered at the hands of the Beast. The fractures, the burns, the bruises.

Cragen studied Dr Leonard, "But there's something else, isn't there? Something you're holding back? I'm a detective, remember."

Kelly took a few moments to think how to best explain the situation without being to specific or graphic, "When we did full blood work on Olivia, we discovered something. There are still a few things to confirm but I honestly believe it's in the interest of the patient that I inform _her_ first, before I say too much more."

Don visibly paled, "Is it cancer?!"

"I'm not saying that. I'm sorry for being so vague Captain Cragen, I know you're one of her medical proxies. But like I said, I think it's in Olivia's best interest that I inform _her_ first before I reveal anything further. I can assure you it's not life threatening."

* * *

Alex Cabot walked quickly and confidently to the small hospital room door, but as soon as she stepped through the doorway, all the confidence left her. A sudden myriad of 'What Ifs?' she had ignored for the last 128 days bombarded her mind as she looked at the brunette in the bed. The soft glow from the long fluorescent tube on the wall behind the bed, the only source of light in the room. Warily, Alex moved closer as she unconsciously adjusted her black framed glasses and ran a hand through her hair. She stood on Olivia's right side looking down at the woman that she loved, propped up in a standard Fowler's position, the guard rails down on the hospital bed.

Olivia looked so peaceful in her pastel blue hospital gown, the bed sheets folded down at her waist. The blonde watched Liv's chest rhythmically rise and fall with each breath, her eyes darting back and forth behind closed eyelids. Alex desperately wanted to see those brown eyes again. The only sound to be heard was the constant beeping of the pulse monitor.

Alex surveyed Olivia's prone form. An IV drip inserted and taped to her left mid-forearm attached to 2 IV bags, the pulse monitor sensor attached to her left index finger, the hospital ID wristband attached loosely to her right wrist. Both the palms and backs of her hands were wrapped with bandage gauze with her fingers and thumbs peeking out. There was noticeable bruising and scarring around her wrists. Her forearms and the uncovered part of her biceps were pockmarked with scattered cigarette burns in various stages of healing... some were covered, freshly blistered, scabbed over, or healing pink. Random straight cut lines here and there also in various stages of healing. Her face looked normal, bar the jagged laceration scar on the middle of her forehead, and swollen bruised left eye socket was a multitude of blue, purple, green and yellow hues.

Her hair looked clean, but lacked its usual lustre. Alex figured they'd probably used one of those dry shampoos or hospital wash caps to clean it for Olivia. Also, it was different lengths. Much shorter at back, just sitting a little off her her shoulder, the front around her face still long... even longer than Alex remembered the last time she saw Olivia. Those long tendrils of hair now hooked behind her ears to keep them back. A real haircut would be required later.

Liv's left leg was slightly elevated, looking a little bulky. Perhaps her leg had been injured?

Tears welling in her eyes, Alex cautiously reached a trembling right hand out to lightly cradle Olivia's left cheek, fearing that this was all a cruel dream and that the woman currently lying in the bed would disappear in a cloud of magician's smoke.

Soft.

Warm.

Just as she remembered.

Olivia stirred ever so slightly, but didn't wake.

With a featherlight touch, Alex traced her thumb back and forth along Olivia's lips. She wanted to press her own lips to them as soon as she possibly could. Cautiously, she moved her hand from the cheek to rest it over Olivia's breast. Even though the beeping of the pulse monitor told Alex blood was pumping and she could see the detective was breathing, she needed reaffirm it in her own mind. She needed to feel Olivia's chest rise and fall. She needed to feel Liv's heartbeat.

Strong.

Steady.

She trailed her hand down to Olivia's right hand, placing her hand against the bandage, palm to palm, rubbing small circles on the back of Liv's bandaged hand with her thumb. She gasped in shock when Olivia's hand clamped harshly and agonisingly tight around hers.

Was Olivia aware?

Was it a reflex action?

Or was it something else?

Alex held her breath and waited as Olivia quickly relaxed her grip, then gently squeezed Alex's hand again, almost lovingly.

Olivia Benson's eyelids fluttered opened. Turning her head, she struggled to focus her eyes, her voice barely audible. "Alex?"

"Olivia!" Alex inhaled sharply at the immediate shock of seeing the white of Liv's left eye completely blood red, before taking a moment to compose herself. Even though she was warned by Doctor Leonard, it was still very confronting to see Olivia injured like that.

Blinking then squinting her eyes several times, her vision finally focused on the blonde ADA. The light in the room, even though it wasn't harsh, was brighter than she'd been accustomed to in recent times. "It... really... you?" Her voice was scratchy and croaky now.

"It's me, Liv."

The corners of Olivia's mouth curled, her body relaxing as she sighed with relief. She gently squeezed Alex's hand again, "Thank... goodness."

The short silence was broken by Olivia, "I... thirsty."

Alex reluctantly let Liv's hand go, quickly pouring some water from the water jug on the bedside table into the plastic cup as Olivia gradually sat up a little straighter. Holding the cup in one hand, she adjusting the straw with the other to allow Olivia to take some sips. Taking her time while drinking, Olivia openly studied Alex, relishing the beauty she hadn't seen in... she had no idea how long she and Vanessa had been in that room. Those beautiful blue eyes, the patrician features, those black framed glasses, her pale skin, her soft lips, the golden hair that framed her face just so.

Perfection.

Lightly smacking her lips a few times, her tongue darted out to moisten her lips further.

"Thankyou." The detective's voice was a lot stronger after having the small drink, "Your hair... it's long."

Puzzled at the odd statement of fact, Alex replied with a smile. "Of course it's long, you told me not to cut it some time ago."

If Olivia wanted to talk about hair right now, they'd talk about hair. She knew asking about Liv's ordeal in that cabin right now wasn't exactly a natural icebreaker and wouldn't push the subject. Olivia would open up about it when the detective was ready to do so.

"I really like it long on you," Liv smiled coyly, but then sighed heavily. "I need a haircut. So does 'Nessa. I actually wanted to get one before..." Olivia let the sentence hang, her eyes wandering the hospital room.

"We'll get you one as soon as we can. Vanessa as well," affirmed Alex, her eyes finally meeting Olivia's again.

Olivia motioned lazily for Alex to sit on the edge of the hospital bed The ADA was about to object, but did so when Liv said three words: "Alex, please sit."

The detective opened and closed her mouth, as if trying hard to say something but the words suddenly wouldn't form. Moving her hand, she beckoned Alex nearer.

"What is it, Liv?" the younger woman leant in intimately close.

"I..." Olivia sighed contently, taking Alex's hand again and before continuing the rest of her statement, "... love you."

Finally, those three little words.

The blonde pulled back to see a lop sided grin settling on Olivia's mouth.

"I love you, too." Alex whimpered, tears instantly sliding down her cheeks. Her face contorted with a conflicting mixture of joy, relief and distress. The floodgates opened, her whole body shaking as she cried openly. The emotions of the last 128 days finally overwhelmed her.

"Oh, sweetheart! I didn't mean to make you cry! Everything's going to be ok! I'm here now Alex! _Shhhh_!" Liv reached out, stroking Alex's cheek with her bandaged right hand, trying to brush away the freely flowing tears with her thumb.

Alex rambled her reply, choked with sobs, "I'm sorry I didn't help you in time, Liv! I tried, I rang Cragen. Don told me to leave you... I didn't want to leave you... I saw _him_... I saw him drive away... I didn't know you were in the trunk... I thought you were shot in your apartment... I didn't know where you were all this time... I didn't help you enough... then you were gone... and it's all my fault."

"Nonononono, Alex! It's _not_ your fault! You realised I was in danger and understood what I asked you to do when I said to tell _Dad_. You did _exactly_ what I asked you to do and got help. I _heard_ the sirens and _saw_ the lights when I was in the garage. I _know_ you got help... and you _did_ help me!"

"I _didn't_ help, Liv! He took you away!" the blonde brushed aside the comment, crying even more. "He took you away from me, because I didn't help you! If I had helped you, he wouldn't have taken you!"

"Don't you _dare_ think you're responsible for what happened, Alex! Believe me, you helped me! You did! You helped me more than you'll _ever_ realise. You helped me _survive_! Do... you... remember that night in the motel, when you came back to testify?"

Alex nodded yes, as she wiped away some of the still falling tears herself.

"We talked about Alex Cabot being in _here,_ no matter what happened." Olivia moved her hand from Alex's cheek to point at Alex's heart.

"Yes," Alex sniffled.

Olivia gathered Alex's hand in her own, "You helped me survive... because Alex Cabot is _also_ here," Liv moved their hands and placed them over her own heart. "She's been _here_ for a very long time."

"You're the one being so strong right now... I'm the one supposed to be comforting _you_, but you're the one comforting _me_!" Alex wailed.

"You have every right to be upset, sweetie. You didn't know _anything_, you said so yourself... you didn't know where I was... or if I was alright... but I knew _exactly_ where you were. You were _safe_, and that's all that mattered!"

The two women looked longingly into the others eyes for some time before Olivia continued, "I _knew_ you'd let Cragen know something wasn't right when you arrived, and I... I _had_ to send you away from my apartment that night, because I had to _protect you _from him."

"Protect me?"

"That's what people do to the ones they care for...the ones they _love_... they protect them. I _knew_ you were _safe_ from him when I sent you away to get help! He wouldn't be able hurt you if you weren't there. Alex, I _knew_ what he was capable of, and I couldn't live with myself if he had taken you... and done to you what he did to 'Nessa and me... and what he _might_ have done to me."

"_Might_ have done? I-I don't understand?"

Olivia was silent for quite a time, playing with Alex's hand now resting on the brunette's thigh. She was aware that Alex had said that she was being the strong one, but right now Olivia felt as vulnerable as a new born baby. Her bottom lip trembling, desperately attempting to remain stoic, but the façade eventually crumbled and she broke down crying as well. Her face twisted in a mixture of pain, fear and shame. "I-I don't know... if he... raped... me. He drugged me... I don't know how many times he did... I lost count after a while... probably more than a dozen times. I honestly don't know... if he did rape me... I _don't_ remember... I_ can't_ remember... I've tried _so_ hard Alex... but there's just big _chunks_ of _nothing_... I don't know if he did... and I don't know if I ever _will_ remember... and that scares me."

Each knew that they would and could always be themselves in front of the other, and right now being themselves meant letting go of their shared torment and anguish the only way possible. Alex leant forward, opening her arms. Both women needed physical contact from the other, a tender embrace to convey their love, reassurance and comfort for the other as they openly wept the emotional pain they both endured of the past 128 days. Both clung to each other for dear life, not wanting to ever let go. Liv buried her face in the curve of Alex's neck, inhaling the blonde's scent and light perfume, reminding herself that she was no longer in the dimly lit cellar of that cabin chained to the wall, she was now free and Alex was here with her, safe from harm.

"I missed you so much," Liv murmured, her lips brushing against Alex's skin. "I love you."

"I love you too. I thought I'd lost you just as I finally got you, and I'd _never_ see you again," Alex stroked her hand over the brunette's head and hair.

Olivia grimaced in pain as Alex's arm brushed against her right scapula when they held each other tighter.

"What did I do?! Did I hurt you?!" Alex pulled back instantly, her voice full of worried concern. She hadn't really thought about other possible injuries Olivia might have under her hospital gown since she did her initial once over.

"It's nothing to worry about right now. Just... something... that was reinjured again quite recently." Liv waved away the concern, but Alex wasn't anywhere near convinced. "We'll talk about it later. Right now, I just don't want you to don't stop holding me."

They continued to hold each other for some time, revelling in the here and now in each other's presence, tears slowly abating. Olivia's bandaged hands drawing languid soothing circles and lines on Alex's back.

"Alex?" Liv turned her head slightly towards the ADA.

"Yeah?"

"Can you... kiss me now... _please_?" Olivia asked hesitantly, almost meekly, a fresh wave of tears sliding silently down her cheeks.

Nodding her head and mouthing the words 'Of course', Alex cradled both of Liv's cheeks in her hands, carefully wiping away the falling tears with her thumbs. She felt the tension leave Olivia's body as their lips came together, even more so when the very tip of Olivia's tongue touched hers. It wasn't a kiss for dominance, of unyielding fiery passion or claiming of one another. It was a gentle kiss of pure love, deep affection and unquestionable trust, to console each other and alleviate their fears.

"Thankyou," whispered Olivia as the kiss ended. "I think I'll need a few more of those from you."

Alex stroked the back of her knuckles along Olivia's cheek, "Honestly, I think we both will from each other. I have no doubt we have a long road ahead of us, Olivia... and I'll be with you _every_ step of the way."

"I think you're right... I _know_ you're right. He did a lot of vicious, cruel things to us both... he tortured us both." Liv moved her hand low on her abdomen for a moment, an odd look settled on her features.

"What? What is it?" Alex furrowed her brow.

Olivia smiled moving her hand away, "Nothing, it just feels like there's butterflies in my stomach. It has to be because I'm seeing you now... and finally kissing you again."

"I give you butterflies?!"

"Yes, you do." Olivia replied, a hint of bashfulness in her voice.

"And how long has _this_ been happening for?"

"It's been happening for as long as we've known each other. Every time I see you, my stomach does flips... and my heart races. Is that corny enough for you?"

"That long, huh? It's not corny... I have to admit, you do the same to me. And for the same amount of time."

A tiny glint of gold caught Olivia's attention, "You got your necklace." She reached her hand out to touch the rectangular plaque sitting at the base of Alex's throat.

Alex placed her hand on top of Olivia's, "Thankyou so much for it. Don gave me your gift on my birthday. He saw you put a gift and he card in your desk after our dinner date at the art gallery, and he saw your desk calendar marking the day. I like the quote you used."

"I missed your birthday," Liv lamented, sighing heavily. "I wanted to do something really special for you. I'll make it up to you, I promise."

"You being here _right now_ makes up for it, Olivia. My birthday wish was to have you found... it came true." Alex placed a kiss on the corner of Olivia's mouth as she guiding their hands back down to the bed.

"I should've given you your necklace a long time before your birthday. I should've given it to you when I promised I would."

"Hey, we've moved passed all those promises and forgave each other, remember? To be honest, I'm glad you gave it to me when you did. As odd as it may sound, receiving it when I did and wearing it felt like you were watching over me while you were gone all this time."

Olivia had asked this question to Alex twice before, and it was just as difficult to ask this time around because _this_ time it was about herself, not the blonde sitting opposite her on the bed. She braced herself for the answer as she asked, "How... how long?"

Alex smiled sadly, "128 days. You and Vanessa were both taken on May 20th and found about 12 hours ago on September 25th, it's just turned September 26th a short while ago."

The detective was stunned silent. Even though she had only a very vague idea as to how long she and Vanessa had been in that cellar, having it confirmed accurately with a numerical figure made it all too real. She had missed Alex's birthday, her returning to SVU and who knows what else. Four months of this year had been taken from her. Four months of her _life_ had been snatched away, just like she and Vanessa had been.

"You ok?" Alex asked, taking Olivia's hand in hers again.

"It's just... a lot... to take in at the moment." Olivia chewed her bottom lip, "He... ahh... he took our watches, so we didn't know the time." She indicated her right ring finger, "He took the ring Mom gave me when I turned 18. That was one of the _only_ things I had that Mom gave me."

A throat being cleared at the doorway of the room had Olivia instantly on edge and Alex certainly felt Olivia's hand grip hers a little more tightly than she just had been. Liv visibly tensed but relaxed just as quickly as her mind processed that Captain Don Cragen would never hurt her. He never had, he never would.

Not like _him_. Alice Parker was right. _He_ truly was a Beast.

"A number of items found at the cabin have been collected as evidence. I'm sure yours and Vanessa's personal possessions will be among them, and will get them back as soon as possible." Don strolled in, hands in his pockets, and a kindly smile.

"Where... where have we been all this time? Where were we taken? Where _are_ we?" Olivia asked rapidly. There were still so many questions to ask that needed answers.

"We're in Maine, not far from the capital. You were found in the outskirts of a town called Winthrop. I hate to bring this up already while you and Alex _catch up_..." he gave a knowing look to Olivia, "... but you understand that Major Case will want to interview both you and Vanessa soon. I can try and hold them off for as long as I can, but you know you'll have to talk to them eventually.

"Yeah, I understand. They have to do their job. Thanks Cap."

"And... IAB too."

"IAB?"

"Cassidy," Cragen said simply.

For the first time in quite a while, the memory of what occurred in her apartment that fateful evening came flooding back in vivid detail. "Brian's dead... Lewis shot Brian in cold blood... I watched him bleed out... I watched him die." Olivia said, her voice monotone.

Alex and Don shared a look, a small nod from Cragen indicated he would explain. "Olivia, you're right. Brian died... but he didn't die right away."

"What do you mean? I saw him take his last breath."

"When we got to your apartment, Brian wasn't breathing... but he did still have a very weak pulse. ESU kept him alive... he even was able to tell Munch that a man shot him, not you, but he flatlined on the way to Mount Sinai. He was without oxygen for too long, and lost a lot of blood initially... he never regained consciousness, Liv. Both Joe Dumas and Brian's mother made the decision to turn off life support on the Friday. He ended up saving the lives of 5 people with organ donation. He also helped improve the lives of others through corneal transplants and tissue donation."

"Brian didn't deserve to die in all of this," Olivia unconsciously rested her hand on her abdomen for a short while again. "Is Doom alright? I know Brian and Doom weren't close, but they were half brothers."

"Joe's coping well." Alex checked her watch, then turned to Cragen, "Actually he and Rafael should be in Las Vegas by now."

"Doom and Barba are getting hitched in _Vegas_?! When did _they_ hook up?!"

Alex bit the inside of her cheek, if Cragen didn't know both Joe and Rafael were gay, or if he only had an inkling, he certainly knew now. "Detective Dumas and ADA Barba are in the process of _extraditing_ a paedophile from Las Vegas, _New Mexico_... not Nevada."

"Ooh!" cringed Olivia. "Wait? _Doom's_ at SVU now? He replaced me?" Olivia knew, as Cragen had suggested, that there would be a lot of catching up to do.

"Joe's taken over for Amanda -," Don replied.

"Rollins left?!"

"No, Amanda's in the hospital... at Bellevue," Alex explained. "She's ok. While your disappearance affected everyone, it affected Amanda a lot more. Everyone blamed themselves, but Amanda blamed herself the most seeing she started the investigation."

"Lewis Williams is the only one to blame for all this... no-one else." Olivia finally asked the question that had been gnawing away in the back of her mind, "Where _is _he? Where's Lewis?"

Don replied, "Lewis Williams was shot dead. He can't hurt or torment you any more."

Fateful words.

_**Lights will guide you home,**_  
_**And ignite your bones,**_  
**_And I will try to fix you._ ~ Coldplay (Fix You)**

* * *

End Note: The car accident victims are** not** related to anyone in the story. Please don't think it's any of Vanessa/Kel/Mel/Brad/Heather family members. Like the mention of Liv's headache all the way back in chapter 2, it's just a symbolic metaphor/allegory/hyperbole.


	19. Chapter 19

AN: **Don't forget to breath** - re: "_Love Mel's assumptions, they couldn't be more wrong! Im picturing Elliot with a wig and a dress now haha_"... LOL! That part was actually inspired by an interaction I had with someone who doesn't watch SVU. There was an image of Liv, Alex and Elliott on my computer. They asked who they were, I told them and they assumed El was called Alex, and Alex was called Elle. The conversation was both amusing and disturbing from my perspective when I eventually realised they thought that way :-D. "_I will keep reading cause honestly I like this fic too much to not know how it will end"... _Thankyou for sticking with me, I truly appreciate it :-). There is still a long way to go with Olivia's and Alex's rollercoaster ride ;-). "_my goal is to became a defense attorney_"... I truly hope you achieve your goal :-) As Vanessa said: Everyone has the presumption to innocence until proven guilty :-) **everyone** - re: "_Liv finding out, reacting_"... that's what this chapter is will focus on :-)

AN2: As always, thankyou to everyone for taking the time to read and comment on my story :-).

* * *

Doctor Kelly Leonard sat down heavily at her office desk in the Medical Centre, her hand reaching for her telephone. Over the years since becoming a doctor, each and every time she had ever informed a patient, their immediate family or their medical proxy of their life changing prognosis, their reactions were always different.

_"Sadly, the heart attack was to severe for her to survive."  
__"Unfortunately your loved one suffered too much trauma in the accident was unable to be revived. I'm so sorry for your loss."  
__"I'm sorry, your persistent cough is actually stage 4 lung cancer. There's nothing more that can be done. Realistically, you only have about 6 months to live."  
__"The only way to save your life was to have the surgeon amputate your leg above the knee."__  
_

Every single person reacted as individually and uniquely as they were to the next person. Some were stunned silent. Some were angry. Some were inconsolable. Some began to pray. And some followed the Kübler-Ross model, a hypothesis introduced by Psychiatrist Doctor Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in 1969 in her book _'On Death and Dying'_. This hypothesis is better known around the world as the 'five stages of grief'.

Denial.

Anger.

Bargaining.

Depression.

Acceptance.

These five stages certainly are _never_ meant to be an accurate or definitive list of _all_ the possible emotions that would be experienced by an individual suddenly being the recipient of life changing information, and these stages could occur in _any_ order whatsoever. Nor does everyone that encounters a life changing event experience all five reactions. Also, not everyone moves through to the next stage at the same pace. Some stay at one stage a long longer than another stage, some move quickly from one stage to the next.

Informing a woman that they are pregnant was always supposed to be a wonderful, joyous occasion. Bringing a new life in to the world is meant to be a beautiful and amazing thing. Kelly never imagined telling a woman she was with child would fall under the five stages of grief... but Kelly had never had a patient that had been subjected to 128 days of incarceration, deprivation, oppression, persecution and who knows what else.

Doctor Leonard dialled an old colleague from Augusta General before normal business hours. The phone was answered on the third ring.

"Hey Andrea, it's Kelly Leonard here... ...I'm fine... ...Melanie's fine too... ...No, I don't miss Augusta General as much as I thought I would... ...well, they keep me on my toes over here at the Winthrop Medical Centre... ...yes, as unbelievable as it sounds. Hey, I have a favour to ask... ...I know, I know... ...Listen, it's a bit of a delicate situation. I have a patient under my care here. It's a long complicated story that I don't even know the half of myself, but she's been imprisoned for several months... ...yes, imprisoned and tortured... ...and she's pregnant... ...Yeah, I did a SOEC kit. There was no evidence of recent trauma, but it can't be ruled out... ...I know, but she's unable confirm anything because she was drugged many times and can't remember... ...yes, there's a lot of sick bastards in this world... ...so I need an ultrasound carried out ASAP. I did one with the portable because I honestly thought she was miscarrying... ..yeah breakthrough bleeding... ...but I can't determine foetal age accurately, that's why I'm not an OBGYN... ...honestly I'm thinking 12 to 14 weeks by her size, but I want you to confirm. Her hCG hormone levels were raised, of course... ...and possibly either CVS or Amnio, whichever you think is necessary... ...I know Peter is closer, but under the circumstances, I think a female OBGYN would be better, and in my opinion you have a much better bedside manner than Peter... ...Not flattery, just the truth... ...I want you to do it because in all honestly, I don't think she still truly accepts it yet. I think the faster the better so she can eventually make whatever decision she needs to make. You might be able to help her... ...Ok... ...Thanks Andrea, see you in an hour or so."

Hanging up the telephone, Kelly sighed, one hand rubbing her temple. The memory of her telling Olivia still fresh and vivid in her mind. She had informed Olivia of her situation and condition some time after both Alex and Don entered Olivia's room, allowing all three SVU colleagues some personal time before telling the detective in the early hours of the morning. Kelly had wanted to talk to Olivia privately, but Liv was adamant that Alex could be privy to her medical information.

Somewhat unsurprisingly, Olivia reacted accordingly with the start of the five stages of grief.

Yes, Olivia Benson was steadfastly and resolutely in complete and utter denial...

* * *

"Knock, knock. Sorry to interrupt the reunion," someone called quietly from the hospital room doorway.

Olivia instantly tensed again, gripping Alex's hand tighter, then relaxed as she processed that the person at the doorway with salt and pepper spiky hair was a woman, not _him_. A woman wouldn't hurt her, unlike _him_.

Alex smiled, reassuring to Olivia that this new unknown person was friendly. "It's ok, come on in."

"Hello, Olivia. I'm Doctor Kelly Leonard."

"Hi Doctor Leonard."

"Please, call me Kelly," she entered the room. "It's good to see you finally awake."

"It's good to finally be awake, and out of that... place."

"Seeing as you're awake now, I think it might be an idea to check and change bandages, dressings... and _other_ things," Kelly gave Olivia a pointed look, and Olivia nodded her understanding.

"Before I do, I just want to check your left eye. You have a few hairline fractures to your eye socket, but seeing no fragments have broken away, I don't think surgery will be required." Kelly pulled out a small torch from her pocket, "Sorry if the light is a bright for you, but I have to check your pupil reaction."

"It's much brighter than I've been used to lately, Kelly." Olivia tried to shy away when the light flashed in front of her eyes. Bright lights flashing in her face in recent times meant photos after torture.

"Can you follow my finger... Are you having trouble seeing? Any floating spots or fuzziness in your vision?"

"No, but my eye does feel a bit scratchy when I look around or blink."

"That's not unusual with a subconjunctival hemorrhage. We'll make sure you get some artificial tear drops to help with that. Currently, the white of your left eye is completely blood red. It will heal and eventually fade back to normal much like a bruise over the next week or so. It will fade along with the upper and lower eyelid bruising. Ok, I'll give you all a few more minutes while I just go get a nurse to help." Kelly turned to leave.

"It's not a male nurse, is it?" the hint of panic evident in Olivia's voice, and a shadow fear visible in her eyes.

Kelly turned back around with a kind smile before she exited the room, "No. The nurses on duty tonight are all female. I'll go and get Beverley to help."

Olivia's question hadn't gone unnoticed by Alex, nor the uneasiness and tension when someone entered the room. The blonde knew all too well it would take some time for Olivia to trust people, particularly men, again.

Don pulled a small item from his pocket, handing it to Olivia. "I thought you might want these. You may have need to get clearance from the doctor, but I'm certain you'll be glad to have them close by."

Olivia slid the contents on to her bandaged hand. Her face lit up when she saw her old Fearlessness and Lotus Mandala pedants, and her newer Fearlessness tag necklace fall from the small jewellery pouch.

"After it was excluded from evidence, I went and had the chain fixed on the one Brian gave to you. I also had all of them cleaned for you. Fred, your super, let me in to your apartment to get the other two after CSU and NYPD cleaned the apartment up for you." Cragen added.

"B-but he said he killed Fred?" All these revelations were too much for Olivia to comprehend.

"Fred Dawson only passed out from being choked by Lewis. He got a little sloppy in his... ahh... eagerness. He never disabled the video cameras as he thought he did, and he left DNA evidence at your apartment. IAB should clear you, but if it's Tucker, he'll try and have a good go at you."

"Tucker's an asshole, bring him on." Olivia put the chains back in the jewellery pouch, "Alex, can you put these in the drawer for later?"

As Alex closed the bedside drawer, Kelly arrived with an older nurse and a small medical trolley laden with numerous items.

"We'll give you some privacy," Don indicated that both himself and Alex, the SVU Captain exited the room.

"Does Alex _have_ to leave?" Liv held Alex's hand a little tighter as Kelly gave Alex a pleading look from the other side of the bed.

"Olivia, how about I go get your clothes bag from my car and I'll be back in a few minutes."

"You _drove_ here? You're crazy, Cabot!" Liv grinned.

Alex pressed a light kiss to Olivia's mouth as she said quietly, "Crazy for you."

Unfortunately for Doctor Kelly Leonard, they had only managed to change Olivia's hospital underwear by the time Alex Cabot returned to the small hospital room. Kelly and Beverley changed a few dressings on Olivia's arms, and the dressing of the recent burn from Olivia's own detective badge directly over the top of the first one Lewis caused.

As Beverley wheeled the trolley away, Kelly spoke up. "Olivia, I need to speak to you privately regarding a few things medically."

"Anything you need to say, you can say in front of Alex. She's my medical proxy, my emergency contact, my legal counsel..." Liv reeled off, indicating for Alex to sit back down on the bed where she had been as the privacy curtain was opened. "... and the woman I love."

"You really like saying that, don't you?" Alex teased.

"It took me so long to _finally_ tell you, I have to make up for it as much as I can."

"Ok then, if you're happy to have Alex be here for this." Kelly steadied herself for the impending reaction, "I've tried to think of ways of putting this delicately, there's no other way to put this Olivia, so I'll just come right out and say it... you're pregnant."

Alex covered her mouth in shock, but Olivia just shook her head, utterly unconvinced. "You must have your medical charts mixed up, Kelly. 'Nessa's the one... oh geez, 'Nessa's pregnant. Oh no. I convinced her it was stress that-"

"Olivia, I guarantee you I didn't mix up the charts. You _are_ pregnant."

"No, no I'm _not_. You're wrong! 'Nessa, the one with the red hair... _she's_ pregnant."

"I know it's difficult to believe, but I did an ultrasound on you myself because when you were rescued from the cabin, the initial indicators suggested you were miscarrying. You're about 12 to 14 weeks pregnant, but I want you to have another ultrasound."

"Listen! I might have lost 128 days of this year, and my life, being imprisoned... I might have received several blows to the head and face from _him_... I might have been tortured cruelly and mercilessly... but I _didn't_ lose my mental capacity. I'm _not_ stupid, I'm _not_ an idiot... and I'm _not_ pregnant! I know my own body, I've lived in it for over 40 years. I had a pregnancy scare in college, I was almost 2 weeks late... so I think I'd know if I was 12 or 14 weeks pregnant _now_! Especially seeing you just changed my diaper! I'm menstruating remember!"

"You're not menstruating, it's what we call breakthrough bleed-"

The detective cut the doctor off, "I might not have had a watch or clock to tell the time, but I think I was pretty damn regular while I was in _that_ cellar! 'Nessa, not once. NOT ONCE! I've had _no_ nausea, _no_ cravings, I'm _not_ showing, I'm _menstruating_ and I haven't felt _any_ movement from _any_ baby... I'M NOT PREGNANT!"

"Liv, Doctor Leonard's just doing her job." the blonde tried to soothe.

Olivia pinched the bridge of her nose, "Alex! I think you'd be reacting pretty much the same way! The doctor here trying to convince me I'm pregnant when I know I'm not... is like... _me_ trying to convince _you_ that you're a lesbian, or _you_ trying to convince _me_ that I'm a lesbian... we both know we're bisexual and I _know_ I'm not pregnant!" Olivia glared darkly at Doctor Leonard then directly at Alex, "The last time I believed what a doctor said, they lied when they told me to my face that you'd bled out on the operating table-"

"Hey, that's not fair. You _know_ why they had to say that, Liv!"

"I shouldn't have believed them _then_, and I shouldn't believe them _now_! 'Nessa's the one that's pregnant, not me! She just can't admit she got it _wrong_!" Olivia folded her arms defensively.

When Alex saw Kelly turning to leave the room, she went to follow after her.

"Where are you going?" the brunette panicked.

"You get some rest for me. I'm just going to talk to the doctor just outside." Alex placed a kiss on Olivia's forehead, Liv calming immediately.

Olivia lay back on her pillows, muttering under her breath. "Yeah well, that's if she really _is_ one. Probably got her medical PhD from a cereal box."

As Alex exited the room, she apologised. "Sorry about Liv's reaction. She's not like that at all, she's usually very rational."

"Honestly Alex, I don't blame Olivia for reacting the way she did... I think I'd probably react somewhat similar under the circumstances. Everything she said is right for not being pregnant... but she _is_ pregnant."

"I think she's having a difficult time believing what she's being told because what she's been told recently hasn't been the truth. She was told her apartment super was killed, he wasn't. She was lead to believe a colleague had been killed, but he lived longer than she thought. And now she's thought Vanessa was the one that was pregnant, but it's actually Liv that is."

"And she thought you were dead?!" Kel raised her eyebrows.

"Long story from some years ago. Might tell you a bit later on. Melanie might find an intriguing tale too."

"Well, Mel and I have offered for you and Don to bunker down at our place for the rest of your stay in Winthrop. But under the circumstances I think it's best that you stay with Olivia tonight. We don't have any spare beds, but -"

"The chair already in the room is fine with me, but maybe an extra blanket?"

Kelly nodded, "I'll get one brought around for you. I still want Olivia to have another ultrasound ASAP. I'm not an OBGYN but I have a few old colleagues from Augusta that can do it."

"Organize it as soon as you can, but if at all possible make it a female doctor." Alex thought a few moments, "I think I might have a way to convince Olivia to have the ultrasound."

"I'll leave you to it then. I'll be back around early in the morning... well, you know what I mean... in a few more hours. G'night Alex." Kelly headed for the Doctor's Lounge again.

Alex reentered Olivia's room confidently, as if suddenly commanding the courtroom, "Detective."

"Counsellor," Olivia straightened her shoulders.

"When we go to trial... every single time we go to trial, what do we need to prove our cases?"

"Evidence."

"And there's no evidence to suggest that your pregnant?"

"Nope. None whatsoever." Liv shook her head.

"So... let's give the doctor your evidence. You're not pregnant, let's prove it to her. Have another ultrasound... she said to me herself she's not an OBGYN."

"You're damn right I'm not pregnant."

"So will you have another ultrasound?"

Olivia sighed, "On one... no... two conditions."

"Are you negotiating with me?" Alex sat back down on the bed.

A smile settled on Liv's mouth, "Yes, I am. Number one: see if you have to sleep here for the rest of the night. I need you close by."

"Done. I already have been given permission to sleep in the chair by Kelly. But only the chair."

"Good," Olivia nodded appreciatively. "Number two: can I have... another kiss... _please_?"

"Absolutely." Alex leant forward, capturing Olivia's mouth in a delicate kiss.

* * *

Kelly made her way from her office to check in on a few patients during breakfast in the small hospital, including Vanessa.

Why wouldn't Olivia be in denial? Having been subjected to who knows what ghastly horrors, lies or untruths in that dimly lit cellar, then after being rescued, suddenly have some random woman that you've never met before come up to you and basically say 'ignore _everything_ you know about yourself, then believe me and what I'm telling you'. Every single thing Olivia said presenting her case for _not_ being pregnant was correct. She was menstruating... well _technically_ she wasn't, but she _was_ bleeding; she had no cravings; she had no nausea; she was barely showing a baby bump; she hadn't felt any movement from the baby... well, maybe she had but she just hadn't realised it yet. The first movement of a baby, also known as the quickening, is sometimes best described as like having butterflies in your stomach, or fluttering bird wings.

But Olivia Benson was undoubtedly pregnant.

Doctor Leonard had seen the foetus moving on the portable ultrasound, she had heard the baby's heartbeat thorough the ultrasound doppler, the standard blood tests carried out showed increased human chorionic gonadotropin (hCG) hormone levels.

"Hi Vanessa, I'm Doctor Kelly Leonard. How are you this morning?"

"Relieved! Relieved that Liv and I were finally found. Do my family know?"

"Yes, you're family know you've been rescued. They said they would try and get here as soon as they could from Ohio. Hopefully it won't be too much later today."

"Good... good. I really want to thank our rescuers too."

"I'm sure I can arrange for that to happen."

"Umm...Doctor Leonard?"

"Please, call me Kelly."

"Doctor Kelly... while... while we were there... he... did things to me... I need to know... am I... pregnant? I-I never had my period the whole time I was there."

"No Vanessa, you're not pregnant. Your hormone levels, that indicate if a woman is pregnant or not, are completely normal. You are _not_ pregnant."

"Oh thank god! Liv will be really pleased to know," Vanessa sighed with relief, a few tears escaping her eyes, but then looked puzzled, "He raped me... I don't know how many times... and I never got pregnant? H-how is that possible?"

"Most likely you were having an anovulatory cycle due to intense stress. It's known to happen."

"Liv tried to tell me that, but I didn't believe her. I was _sure_ I was pregnant. He didn't wear any condoms when he did... maybe he was infertile? Or maybe he had the snip?" Vanessa suggested hopefully. "Because Liv didn't get pregnant..."

Doctor Leonard continued making notations on the charts, not allowing herself to tell Vanessa that Olivia was very much pregnant.

"... but I don't know for certain if she was raped or not, but she never skipped her period while we were there. He drugged both of us, but he drugged Liv more. He'd separate us when he wanted to 'play with his guests' or torture us," Vanessa said, using air quotes. "When can I see Liv? I _really_ have to see her."

"Olivia is having tests done this morning, but you should be able to see her about lunchtime."

"Is it her foot? He really hurt her when he kicked her with steel capped boots. I think he might have broke it."

Kelly just smiled, "I'm really sorry Vanessa, I can't say what it is... I'm sure you understand. I'll let you get back to having your breakfast. I'll have a nurse come and check on your burns and change any dressings that need it a little later."

* * *

Olivia was helped into a wheelchair and taken to an examination room down the end of the hall by a young nurse, Alex walking by her side. The nurse had informed them both that female OBGYN was already waiting as they approached the room.

"Hi there. I'm Doctor Andrea Smith, I hear you need an ultrasound."

"Yeah, but I think you're wasting your time from _real_ patients," Olivia rebutted as she tried to get comfortable on the examination bed, her left foot in a medical walking boot.

"Don't worry, I owed Doctor Leonard a favour anyway. She tells me you're pregnant."

"So _she_ thinks."

"But I can tell you're not convinced?"

"I _know_ I'm not, and this will prove it!"

The doctor placed a blanket over Olivia's lower half. "Alright then, let's get this underway. The gel might be a little cold, so I apologise in advance. Can you lift up your gown a bit while I get everything ready?"

As Olivia lifted up the hem of her hospital gown, Alex saw a couple of healing pink random straight line and cigarette burn scars on the beautifully tanned torso. It made Alex's heart break to see the cruelty Lewis Williams had bestowed on Olivia's body as she took hold of Olivia's hand. The small swell of Olivia's stomach certainly didn't look like a baby bump, in all honesty it looked like Olivia had eaten a large meal, nothing else. Doctor Smith poured a generous amount of gel on Olivia's stomach and moved the transducer about.

Olivia looked at the screen for a short while and rolled her eyes, "See! Nothing! Waste of time!"

"Liv," Alex admonished.

"It might take a moment... to see the baby," Doctor Smith said as an image of a foetus on the screen came into focus.

Liv just stared at the portable ultrasound screen, trying to comprehend what she was seeing. Her mind was screaming that she wasn't pregnant, it was Vanessa Meyer that was pregnant, but the image on the screen told a different story. The baby suddenly moved sharply on the screen and Olivia gasped, moving her free hand to her abdomen.

"You felt the baby move, didn't you? Felt like butterflies in your stomach?" Doctor Smith suggested.

Olivia wanted to nod yes, but she just continued to focus on the screen, lost in her own little world.

This _wasn't_ happening.

This _wasn't_ real.

She _wasn't_ pregnant.

But, she _was_ pregnant.

Doctor Smith pressed a button on the machine and the sound of the baby's heartbeat filled the room. Alex's eyes darted back and forth from Olivia's face to the baby on the screen. The doctor moved the transducer in different places and angles, studying the screen closely.

"Well, Doctor Leonard can stick with emergency because she certainly can't read OBGYN ultrasounds."

"What do you mean?" Alex asked, her eyes moving from Liv's face to the doctors.

"Kelly said Olivia was 12 to 14 weeks by her size. While I can agree with her on that, I can also tell you right now she's at least 16 weeks pregnant."

"How can you tell?" Alex queried.

"Anything much earlier than 16 weeks, the baby is still deemed to have a genital tubercle. That's the part of the body that become either the penis or the clitoris. Some OBGYN's can tell a little earlier, but we like to wait to be certain. After 16 weeks, the baby's gender is able to be determined easily... and right _now_, I can see the sex of the baby."

Alex chewed her lip, a tiny thought nagging at the back of her mind. "Is there _any_ chance... any chance whatsoever that the baby could be older?"

Doctor Smith checked Olivia's hCG hormone levels and the size of the baby, "It's unlikely... but... if it _was_, I'd be classing the baby as small. Why do you ask?"

"Liv was in a relationship before she was taken. If there's a miniscule chance that-"

"That was a _long_ time ago, Alex." Liv spoke for the first time, dragging her eyes away from the screen.

"I'm not naïve enough to think that you _weren't_ having sex with Brian, Olivia!"

"And I'm not naïve enough to think that it _is_ Brian's, Alex! Lewis _repeatedly_ drugged me, he's obviously raped me and I don't even remember it, and now I'm pregnant with _his_ child! Lewis raped Vanessa repeatedly and got her pregnant, and he did the same to me. It makes sense that he would, that was his MO, rape and torture... _Now_ I know he did. _Now_ I can deal with it. I _don't_ want to be like my own mother! I _can't_ handle that. I _don't_ want this baby."

Doctor Smith chimed in, "If you were drugged often, that _could_ possibly explain the current size of your baby. Olivia, I need to ask you... do you remember the last time you had sex with Brian?"

A heavy wave a long forgotten guilt washed over the brunette as she murmured her answer, she knew exactly when.

"I'm sorry, I didn't quite hear what you said," Doctor Smith prompted.

Olivia could feel Alex's eyes on her, and heard a sharp intake of breath from the blonde ADA as she repeated her reply clearly, "May 19th."

Andrea wrote down the date on the notes, "If you'd like, I can do DNA testing with the amniocentesis rather than speculate, so you can make your decision fully informed on the health of the baby and the father of the baby. Are you able to get a DNA sample from Brian?"

"Don't waste your time... he's dead and he's not the father." Olivia whispered, returning her focus back to the baby on the screen, the sound of the baby's heartbeat pounding in her ears.

Alex took over, "DNA won't be a problem, Doctor. All NYPD officer's DNA profile are on record, so if any DNA is collected from a crime scene from an investigating officer... like a stray hair or similar, it can be excluded from evidence. Brian Cassidy's DNA is on file, and Lewis Williams' DNA is also now on file from the autopsy."

"Ok, amniocentesis DNA usually takes a few weeks, but I'll make sure it's a priority case. Should have it back in a week along with the results for the health of the baby. Would you like to know the sex of your baby?"

Olivia gave a noncommital noise from the throat, still transfixed on the screen, her face showing no emotion.

"We... might wait, and see _other_ results first," Alex answered for Liv, their hands still entwined.

Doctor Smith cleaned off the gel from Olivia's abdomen and prepared for the amniocentesis procedure.

* * *

The journey back to Olivia's room was silent, so many thoughts running through each woman's mind from the last half an hour. The nurse asked Olivia if she wanted to get back into bed before she excused herself, but Olivia said she wanted to rest in the wheelchair a little longer. After the nurse left, there was a long, tense silence that was eventually broken from the other side of the room.

"You had breakup sex with Brian." It was a statement of fact from Alex, not a question.

"Get out."

"Olivia, I don't-"

"GET! OUT!" Olivia spat venomously, a look of malicious spite settling on her face. "GET OUT! GET OUT OF MY LIFE! ALEX, JUST GO!"

Olivia turned away in the wheelchair to look out the hospital window, not able to bring herself to look at Alex any longer. Alex said something from the other side of the room, but it didn't register with Olivia, still staring out the window. She just wanted to erase the last 128 days from her memory... from her life.

The telltale click of the door closing let the detective know Alex had finally left the room.

Tears sliding down her cheeks, her feelings overwhelmed her. Her whole body shook as she openly sobbed, her face contorting with so many emotions.

Alone in her small hospital room with her bandaged hands covering her face, Olivia whimpered piteously when she felt the fluttering of butterflies in her stomach again, "Alex, don't go!"


	20. Chapter 20

AN: **everyone** - Re: "_last chapter Crying/Emotional/Heart breaking_"... *sobs* I'm _so_ sorry! I made myself cry too. GROUP HUG! Truth be told, I've made myself cry writing certain things in various chapters, but that's just the overly emotional person that I am. I find it quite cathartic as I write... *grabs check list, ticks off 'make readers cry'* ;-). **Bkwrmchar **- re: "_PLEASE do no leave it unfinished_"... I'm one of those people who's personal pet peeves is I can't stand to leave something unfinished. Trust me, I promise I _will_ finish the story, but there's quite a way to go yet for our lovely ladies. **IBME** - re: "_This is so difficult. I know you'll resolve it. I have faith_"... Always remember, Cabenson prevails :-) **lovingfanfic2death** - re: "_don't want anyone to think I'm crazy if I respond to every single chapter_"... I won't think you're crazy. I don't mind if you or any readers respond to every single chapter, or to a few. But like most writers, I love to get feedback with what I have written :-). re - "_I love reading stories where it goes backwards and forwards_"... I like them too. It gives the reader a little surprise rather than telling it straight forward then getting to a part and already knowing all about it. But I always try and let the readers know when I intend to flashback/revisit a memory. re - "_Alex isnt gone? is she. still in the room right?_"... Sadly, Alex definitely walked out and left Olivia :-(.

AN2: This chapter would have been up a little earlier but for 2 reasons. One, my mother had a mastectomy just a couple of days ago. This was all _very_ sudden, only 3 weeks from her biannual mammogram to total left breast removal. So ladies _please_ have yourselves checked regularly :-)_ And _men too, don't think you're immune from breast cancer either! It's rare but it _does_ happen! So if I'm a little later posting than normal for upcoming chapters, I hope readers can understand why :-). Two, _quite_ surprisingly, where I live, television station actually 'FAST TRACKED' the season opener! Only a week later than the US, but hey, it's better than 2 months like I expected. So I held off so I could comment on it... the down side, they only showed 'Surrender Benson', so they'll show 'Imprisoned Lives' next week. So I'm pissed about that. Possible spoilers ahead for anyone that might not have seen season 15 premiere, so skip down to the story if you don't want to know my thoughts just yet... **SPOILERS AHEAD**... Ok you were warned! The episode was intense! I'm actually really glad Liv saved herself from Lewis. It's kind of what I hoped _would_ happen. As I said back in chapters 2 & 3, I didn't want 'Sir Brian' or 'Sir Elliott' to rescue 'Fair Maiden Olivia', that would have been so predictable and lame.

* * *

For a while she watched the dark grey clouds dance and swirl together, making random patterns and shapes across the Winthrop horizon. Unsurprisingly the sky reflected her current mood. Time past by as the tears gradually ebbed away but Olivia just continued to stare out of the window, looking at nothing in particular. Lost in her own mind, Olivia Benson was still coming to grips that she was pregnant. A tiny life was now suddenly and unexpectedly growing inside of her. She instantly regretted lashing out at Alex, but sometimes people do that to the ones they love the most when they feel under pressure.

Alex was never supposed to know that she'd had sex with Brian after she broke up with him, especially after she'd told Alex she wanted to be with the blonde at the art gallery on the Friday night. With tears welling in their eyes as Brian kissed her goodbye, suddenly one thing ultimately led to another and both NYPD members tumbled back in to Olivia's bed for one final time as fuck buddies. Neither of them said another word after they said their sorries to each other, ending their relationship on the Sunday evening.

After the intimate encounter was over, Brian left hastily, leaving his jacket on the lounge chair. Liv regretted sleeping with Brian one more time as soon as it happened, the guilt of the encounter on her mind as she stripped and changed her bed linen on the Monday morning. Again, when her eyes wandered the room of the ADA's office as she told Alex she broke up with him at lunchtime on Monday. The guilt all but washed away being replaced with love when she looked into those blue eyes, knowing Alex Cabot was the one she wanted to be with... the one she'd _always_ wanted to be with. She wanted get things right from the beginning and take it slowly with Alex, build a rock solid foundation for the start of their relationship, and not fuck it up.

But she fucked it up right from the get-go.

Then the shit hit the fan.

And Lewis Williams happened.

The likelihood of him raping her was always playing on her mind each time she was drugged because she never knew if he had or not, but now she was at least 16 weeks pregnant. All signs pointed that he had, it was his _modus operandi_ after all, and Vanessa Meyer could certainly testify to the fact of her own repeated assualts. The overwhelming probability of him being the father weighed heavily on Olivia. Every time she woke from her drug induced stupor in that cellar, her old clothes were swapped for fresh clean ones. She felt so violated knowing he had seen her intimately, had touched at her most vulnerable. With each time she felt the baby move, it was a constant reminder of what he did while she was unconscious. Now she felt even more violated than ever before.

When Doctor Andrea Smith and Alex seemingly pressured her for more details regarding her last encounter with Brian, she instantly felt like a caged animal... like she was back in the dimly lit cellar, pacing back and forth along the length of her wall shackled to the chain with nowhere to hide... being poked with a sharp stick filled with regret and shame, and she lashed out at the closest person. Unfortunately, that person was the _one_ person she needed the most right now.

Alex Cabot.

The blonde haired, blue eyed beacon of hope that helped her survive 128 days in that torturous hellhole. Memories and vivid dreams of their interactions over the years, their rows, their dinner dates and that night in the motel kept her sane... kept her hopeful that she and Vanessa would eventually be rescued no matter what Lewis Williams subjected them to. Now finally free, Alex said she was there for Olivia physically and emotionally, but Liv did the one thing she should never had done and cruelly pushed Alex away. Spitefully screaming at Alex to get out of her life, that wasn't at all what Olivia wanted, but her emotions were scattered all over the place right now.

Angst.

Anger.

Guilt.

Misery.

Fear.

Rage.

Remorse.

Distress.

So many emotions coursing through her mind, body and soul, and too many emotions to deal with alone.

She very much _wanted_ Alex in her life, she very much _needed_ Alex in her life.

Focusing on the skyline once again, she saw that the sombre dull clouds had lightened a little, a tiny beam of sunlight desperately trying shine through to brighten the day. Alex Cabot was Olivia's ray of light in the darkness that currently enveloped her, the detective just hoped against all the odds that she hadn't completely ruined her budding relationship with blonde. She continued looking out the window, hoping soon that she'd be able to go outside, even if it was for only a short while. She wanted to feel the soft grass beneath her feet (well foot for now), feel the warm sun on her body, feel the fresh breeze on her skin... everything that was the opposite of a small dimly lit stone cellar with old stale air. She ran her fingers through her hair, she hoped that she'd be able to get it cut and styled soon. She was sure it looked as ridiculous as it felt, as she hadn't looked in the mirror of the small bathroom as the young nurse helped her bathe before the morning ultrasound. Olivia also hoped that the IV cannula in her left forearm would be removed soon too. She disliked hospitals as much as the next person.

The noise of the door knob turning drew Olivia's attention from the window. Alex had reentered the small hospital room, her mood at this point in time totally unreadable and impassive. The younger woman stayed near the door way, not approaching any closer to where Olivia was near the window in the wheelchair.

"I'm _so_ sorry for yelling at you, Alex. You have every right to be upset with me, but I don't want to lose you either. You mean _everything_ to me." Olivia explained with sincerity.

"You have a funny way of showing it." Alex's eyes wandered the room, avoiding Olivia at all costs.

"What can I do to make this better? I love you."

Turning her head, she glared at the brunette with her ice cold eyes, and Alex let fly. "There's _nothing_ you can do! _YOU_ BROKE _US_! _YOU'RE_ A LIAR! _YOU'RE_ A CHEATER! I hope that one last _fuck_ with _Brian_ was worth it, Olivia... because you don't have him anymore, and you _certainly_ don't have _me_! You want me out of your life? _Fine_, I'm gone!"

"Bu-but you said you'd be with me every step of the way, Alex!"

"That was _before_ I found out the truth about _you_. If we got together, you'd go and sleep with someone else behind my back any chance you could! Probably _Casey_..."

"No!"

"... or _Amanda_..."

"No!"

"... perhaps _Nick_..."

"No!"

"... or most likely _Elliott_!"

"_NO_!"

"Why should _I_ believe _you_? You _fucked_ Brian before, and you _fucked_ me before!"

"I _never_ fucked you! What we did at the motel _wasn't_ fucking. We -"

"Made love?! People who _love_ each other make love, _not_ people that _cheat_ on the one they _love_!"

"I love _you_! I _do_ Alex! I love you _so_ much it hurts." Tears started to well in Olivia's eyes.

"You know what? Save it for someone who actually _gives_ a fuck!" Reaching her hands behind her neck, Alex unclipped then tossed the Abhaya necklace at Olivia in fury. She sneered one last comment over her shoulder before she stormed out the room, "Have a nice life with your baby,_ Livvy!_"

"Alex! Alex, please! _Please_ don't do this! _Please_ don't leave me! I _love_ you and I _need_ you! I need you more than _anything_ now!" Olivia tried to follow after her in the wheelchair, but with her burnt hands still bandaged it was too painful and awkward. She struggled to stand on the walking boot, screaming out in agony as her foot hit the ground for the first time unsupported. But the brunette fought through the pain, hobbling as best she could after the retreating ADA, gingerly clutching to her IV drip pole for support.

Olivia reeled in terror as a man who wasn't supposed to be there snaked his arm around Alex's slender waist in the hallway, leading her away towards the elevator.

"_YOU_ KEEP AWAY FROM ALEX!" Olivia snarled, limping piteously after them.

"Oh! So, _you're_ Alex. She likes the ladies, as well as the men? She _wouldn't_ let me know who you were Alex, no matter _how_ many times I asked her. No wonder she kept saying your name _over_ and _over_ in her dreams... you're spectacular, and breathtaking! But she tossed you aside for one last fuck with _Brian_? Tsk, tsk, tsk... such a _shame_! Oh Alex, I'd _never_ hurt you like... _that._ Brian couldn't even survive being shot, but _you_ did... so you _must_ be _something_ special! So _Alexandra_, will _you_ say the words I _desperately_ want to hear? Vanessa was a 'good guest' said them for me, but Detective Benson _wouldn't_."

"GET AWAY FROM _HIM_, ALEX!" Olivia stumbled closer and closer, clinging to the hand rail on the hospital walls to steady herself more. "_DON'T_ SAY THE WORDS!"

"Please,_ don't_ hurt me... I'll do _anything_ you want!" Alex purred seductively as she backed him up slowly into the elevator, her hand cupping the large bulge in the front of his trousers. She gasped in surprise and let out a low groan of arousal, "_Anything_ at all."

"ALEX, NO!" screamed the detective, almost tripping over.

"Fun times ahead!" Licking his lips salaciously Lewis Williams stared over at Olivia, laughing mirthlessly as he pressed the button for the elevator door. A red haired woman was sitting on the floor in the corner, shacked with antique handcuffs to the elevator hand rail.

"NO! YOU'RE DEAD! YOU'RE DEAD, LEWIS!" Olivia regained her balance, getting closer to the elevator.

"I might be dead Detective Benson, but I'll _never_ leave you alone! I'm in your _head_, I'll be with you _forever_! And now, you have _my_ baby growing inside you! How ironic... a child conceived through rape having a child conceived through rape. It's a shame you weren't awake for the conception, I would have _loved_ to know if you're a screamer or not. Maybe I'll find out if Alex is? She's walking away from _you _because _you_ told her to get out of your life and leave... _you_ can't protect her _anymore_! She's _my _guest now, and we _both_ know how... _nicely_... I treat _my_ guests, hey Vanessa!" Lewis taunted, pinching the red haired woman's cheek before slapping her hard.

"Liv! Help us!" Vanessa struggled against the handcuffs, pleading helplessly.

"HANG ON, 'NESSA!" Olivia was only a few steps away from the elevator.

Lewis Williams viciously backhanding Alex across the face and mouth. Alex crumpled to the floor next to Vanessa as he began violently tearing the clothes from the blonde's body. Alex cried out in unbridled terror, just like Vanessa did so many times as the elevator door slammed closed in Olivia's face.

_"Olivia! Olivia!"_

_"NOOOOOO ALEX!"..._

* * *

"Olivia... Olivia."

"NOOOOOO ALEX!" Olivia started awake. Breathing heavily, her eyes darting wildly around the hospital room in panic mode before setting on the concerned blue eyes behind black framed glasses sitting next to her in the chair facing towards her, on her right side.

Reaching out her right hand, Alex gently took Olivia's right hand in her own. "Liv, it's ok. It was all just a very bad dream you were having. _I'm_ safe, _you're_ safe and _Vanessa's_ safe. We're _all_ safe, and everything's alright now."

Olivia burst into tears, her body wracked with heavy sobs. Alex quickly pulled Liv closer, the detective once again burying her face in the curve of Alex's neck as the tears flowed freely. Alex rested her hand on the back of Olivia's head and neck, cradling Liv even closer as the tears seeped through the fabric of the ADA's blouse on her shoulder. Whispering soothing words in the ear of the distraught woman, the blonde continued to hold and comfort Olivia for some time while fighting back her own tears.

Liv eventually lifted her head to look at Alex though tear filled lashes, "You came back."

"I never left, Olivia."

"You walked out the door," Liv whispered sadly.

Alex wasn't about to get into semantics with what the brunette had originally screamed at her, "I went to get you some chamomile tea to help calm you down and give you some time alone, just like I said I would. I also talked to Kelly and organised a couple of things for you. When I came back about 20 minutes later, you were fast asleep here in the wheelchair. I've been right here next to you ever since watching over you, so almost 2 hours. I drank you tea though, sorry about that."

"You're worrying about drinking my tea?! I _pushed_ you away... I _yelled_ at you to get out of my life. I'm _so_ _sorry_ for doing that, Alex." More tears escaped from Olivia.

"Do you mind telling me _why_ you said that to me?" Alex asked with sincerity.

Olivia looked down in shame, "You don't want to be with me any more."

"What makes you think that?!" Alex lifted Olivia's chin with her fingers.

"I fucked up big time. I ruined our relationship... I-I cheated on you with Brian. "

"Huh... so you thought you'd break up with me and save me the trouble?"

Olivia nodded, swiping away fresh tears with her bandaged hands.

"Shouldn't that be _my_ decision to make if I want to break up with you, Liv?"

"Alex, you don't want to be with a cheater."

"Well... considering _I'm_ the one with the history of cheating, shouldn't I be the one asking _you_ that?"

Olivia furrowed her brow in confusion at Alex's admission.

"I cheated on Robert with Jim, remember?"

"You weren't in a good place at that time in your life, Alex. I knew _exactly_ what I was doing when I had sex with Brian. I cheated on you with him."

"Listen very closely to what I have to say, Olivia Benson,... You _didn't_ cheat on me. If I recall correctly... you said you wanted to be with me, but wanted to do things right and end things with Brian first _before_ we got together. If that included having break up sex with Brian, then that's what you had to do. I understand and I'm fine with that, I'm not going to leave you because of it. You also said you wanted us to take things slowly, so I didn't actually expect us to jump straight in to bed together."

They looked longingly into each others eyes. Olivia broke the short silence, "He kissed-"

"Liv, I don't need to tell me what happened."

"I _want_ to explain it to you, I want to be _honest_ with you." Liv took a steadying breath, "I ended it with Brian and he kissed me good bye... then... he kissed that spot my neck."

Alex nodded in understanding, "And then one thing led to another."

"Do you _at all_ remember what happens to me when I have that particular spot kissed?"

"I _do_. I remember_ very _well how much it affects you. I've _never_ forgotten, actually." Alex reminisced.

"I've never forgotten how much your abdomen is an erogenous zone for you." Olivia said with a small smile, then continued, "I would've taken my contraception on the Monday morning after I slept with Brian, but I was running really late for work and-"

"And you bowled me over at the Supreme Court."

"I'm really sorry about that."

"Don't be. You've been bowling me over for a very long time, Olivia." Alex pressed a soft kiss to the detective's lips. "Now, do you _really_ want me to get out of your life?"

A fresh wave of tears slid down Olivia's cheeks, "No, definitely not. I really need you now more than ever."

"Good, because I'm _not_ going anywhere. But just so you know, I'll get out if you _want_ me to..." Olivia went to object, but Alex raised her hand to stop her as she continued, "BUT... I'll put up a _damn_ good case for _us_..." Alex indicted the both of them, "before I walk out the door. I've only _just_ got you, and I'm _not_ going to let go so easily. I love you too much to just simply walk out of your life."

A sudden image of Alex in the court room presenting a passionate closing summary in front of Judge Lena Petrovsky in her mind made Olivia smile.

"What?" Alex wondered, seeing the brunette smile.

"Nothing. I love you so much." Olivia shook her head, lovingly embracing the ADA again. They held each other for a time before Olivia pulled back, "Alex? Am I _really_ pregnant? This hasn't been some cruel dream or my mind playing tricks on me?" The nightmare she had been awoken from just earlier had seemed _too_ real for her liking.

"You're pregnant," reaffirmed Alex quietly, nodding her head slightly.

Sadness ghosted over Olivia's features as she unconsciously rested her hand on her stomach, "The chances of Brian being the father are so slim. We hadn't had sex since the weekend before we broke up."

"A slim chance is better than no chance, don't you think?" Alex broached the other side of the equation, "But would it be so terrible if Brian wasn't the father?"

Shaking her head, Olivia responded. "My genes are drunk, violent and cruel. Add Lewis' perverse and sadistic genes and to the mix... I couldn't do that to a child."

"And you're neither drunk, violent or cruel. You yourself prove that no matter what you're genes are, you're the result of your upbringing. I know you've told me in the past about what you went through when your mother was drunk..." Alex brushed a featherlight finger over the old faint scar above Olivia's right eyebrow, "but she also taught you love, compassion, empathy, strength, courage..." Alex pointed to the Abhaya necklace at the base of her own throat, "and fearlessness. I'm so grateful that Serena kept you and raised you to be the gentle, kind and loving woman that you are, that's fiercely protective-"

"I couldn't protect you from being shot by Liam-"

"I've already told you, it's because of you I'm alive today."

"I couldn't protect 'Nessa from Lewis."

"I don't doubt for a second you wouldn't have tried you're best under the circumstances to protect her, Olivia."

A small, almost proud smile settled on Liv's mouth a moment as she surreptitiously glanced down at the knuckles of her right hand and unwittingly brushed the healing pink scar on the middle of her forehead with her left. "I just don't _know_ if I could go through with it knowing Lewis was the father. Then on the other hand, this could be my _one_ chance of being a mother."

"No matter what, this baby is _your_ baby. Whatever you decide, I'll support your decision one hundred percent. But let's not speculate, let's wait until you know for certain before you make your decision. I would hate for you to decide not to go through with the pregnancy and it was Brian's."

"You and me both... but the chances-"

"Are very small, but not out of the realm of possibility. It only takes one time-"

"And Lewis had more than enough opportunities every single time he drugged me." Olivia said bitterly.

"Like I said, let's not speculate. It doesn't do any good." Alex reached out, tucking a long tendril of Olivia's hair behind her ear.

"I must look absurd," groaned Olivia, covering her face with her bandaged hands but peeking through her fingers at Alex.

Alex gently moved Olivia's hands away and gave her a once over, "You have an impressive bruise to your left eye socket, a wonderfully blood red left eye, an unusual hair style... warm brown eyes that I could stare at every day, a smile that makes my heart skip a beat... in all honesty, you are _beautiful_... but my opinion might be deemed quite biased."

"You're not so bad looking yourself. I just want to get my hair cut, the sooner the better."

"You're in luck. When I spoke to Doctor Leonard, she said she'd get the local hairdresser to come around here to the hospital for you and Vanessa, so that will happen Saturday."

"Why can't it be Friday?"

"Some time tomorrow, Major Case will arrive to interview Vanessa and yourself. Don's held them off for a bit, but they're adamant to talk to the both of you ASAP. He came around to tell you while you were asleep and now he's gone fishing with Melanie's father."

Olivia searched her memory, "Melanie? Why does that name sound familiar to me?"

"Sheriff Melanie Leonard rescued you and Vanessa from the cabin."

"Ah," Liv nodded in understanding. "So the Sheriff and the Doc are sisters?"

"Wives." Alex corrected.

"Oooh! I'm glad I didn't say _that_ to them then... that would've been _awkward_! I have to thank the Sheriff, and apologise to the Doctor for my outburst at her during the night. She was just trying to do her job and I was so rude to her."

"I'm _certain_ she'll understand why you did. You presented a very good argument... are you sure you're not a prosecutor?"

"I've paid very close attention to a _certain_ prosecutor over the years. Maybe I picked up a few things along the way?" teased Olivia. "You said you organised a couple of things with Kelly. What else?"

"She also said it would be alright for you to wear your necklaces now." Alex confirmed, watching Olivia's eyes immediately zero in on the bedside drawer. The blonde retrieved the small pouch and handed to Olivia.

"Could you put these ones on me, please? I think they'll start making me feel like _me_ again, if you know what I mean?" Olivia asked, handing Alex the old Fearlessness and Lotus Mandala pedants and chains. "And put the other back in the drawer."

Liv knew it would take time to get back to some form of normality, if ever. As the cool gold chains rested on her skin, she knew some people might see it as an insignificant step, but to Olivia this was a small step in the _right_ direction of reclaiming her life back. Before Alex could return to the chair after putting the jewellery pouch back in the drawer, Olivia commented "I really want to see 'Nessa soon."

"Kelly said Vanessa had said the same about wanting to see you. How about we go see Vanessa now?" Alex suggested.

"I'd really like that." Olivia said as Alex pushed the wheelchair towards the door.

* * *

End Note: What?! I know I said Alex definitely walked out and left Olivia... she _did_! As Mulder said to Scully in ep 'Shadows': "_I would never lie. I willfully participated in a campaign of misinformation._" ;-)

End Note 2: Reader participation time! I had this part planned _all_ the way back in chapter 3 when I mentioned that Olivia would get her hair cut shorter. After I posted chapter 12 when Lewis chops off a lot of Olivia's hair, the pics with Mariska having short hair for season 15 were posted online shortly after. My options were going to be similar to season 4,5,6,9 or 10 But now with what happens in season 15, I'll include that option too because I don't mind how it looks either. So how would readers like Olivia's hair to be? Vote on the poll on my lookup. Results will be included in an upcoming chapter (Not the next 2 chapters though, most likely the one after those).


	21. Chapter 21

AN: **jbcjazz** - re:_ "You write with such great emotions"_... thankyou so much for the compliment :-D. I'm Cancerian. Anyone who is, or knows one will probably understand exactly what that means ;-). There are also some personal elements in the story, but those personal elements haven't been exclusive to one character in particular. They have been woven through SVU canon characters and my own characters. **LBM** - re: _"glad that Olivia isn't pushing Alex away/more happy that they're both wearing their necklaces."_... me too for both :-D **HKS** - re: _"this chapter almost had me in tears. You made the nightmare seem so real"_... *grins goofily* Yeah, I know. I was really evil like that! ;-) **Bkwrmchar** - re: _"I'm sure Olivia will have nightmares for a long time to come"_... I'm sure she'll have several more too :-(

AN2: As at right now, there is a tie for the leaders for Olivia's hair style, and both choices are ones I quite like (not revealing them, but one is from a while ago, one from recent times). I WILL NOT BE VOTING (because I would overrule all options and make it season 3, but with great difficulty, I excluded that option so no-one would say "lesbian stereotyping" seeing I've made both Alex and Olivia bisexual in this story), so it's up to you, the readers to choose. I'll be keeping the poll up for a while, so don't think any non logged in readers just catching up now might miss out on voting. The results will be revealed before the particular chapter is put up, but as I said, it'll be a couple of chapters away. As always, thankyou to all the readers that comment, read, fave, follow the story. It means so much to me that you take the time out of your day to read what I've written :-). And lastly, thankyou for being patient with me seeing I'm not updating as fast as I'd like, but my mother's recovery is important to me :-)

* * *

"Alex, wait!" Olivia turned her head back over her left shoulder to look at Alex as they approached the nearby hospital room, her left hand clutching her IV drip pole. "Even though the door's open, don't just suddenly walk in on 'Nessa. Let me knock first, please... well, I mean could you knock quietly for me? My knuckles are healing again."

The ADA acquiesced the request with a small nod of her head, "Ok."

For the first time since her initial breakdown when the two ladies reunited during the night, Olivia opened up a little to Alex about what occurred in that dimly lit cellar, "It's just that... a lot of the time, he would... burst in on us. Sometimes we'd be able to hear the deadbolt being slid... or the door creak open, so we knew he was coming in. But many times he must have slid the deadbolt really slowly... or not have locked it at all... he'd just throw the door open. I guess it depended on what mood _he_ was in. It would startle us both, but it would scare 'Nessa more... because we all knew _something_ was about to happen... And I couldn't do anything to stop it."

When Alex came to the understanding that was all Olivia was going to say about it after a short silence, she thanked the brunette after placing a brief kiss on Liv's forehead.

"For what?"

"For sharing that with me. Liv, I realise and accept it'll take a while for you to tell me certain things that happened in the cellar. I _can't_ and _won't_ compare my time in Wit Sec and Bellevue to what you've been through... it's not a fair comparison. But I have an idea what it's like to keep things inside because you don't want people knowing, but eventually you let those walls down... like it took me to tell you what happened to me in my _own _time. I know you won't tell me things that happened because you'll want to protect me from it, but I do hope in time you'll be able to. Know that I'm here for you in all capacities, not matter what. All I ask is that you don't shut me out completely."

"I'm really sorry for yelling at you to get out of my life," Olivia apologised again. "Believe me, I want to be able to tell you, but right now... it's just still _too_ raw for me to tell you a lot of it. I still have to process a lot of it myself. I-I want you to be in there with me tomorrow when Major Case interview me, but on the other hand, I don't want you in there. Does that make _any_ sense?"

"It makes _perfect_ sense. I'll go with you tomorrow if, and _only_ if you want me to... although under the circumstances, I think if you _do_ want someone in there with you, Don may be a better choice. That way, you can still tell me things in your own time." Alex suggested, comprehending how little control Olivia would have had of her own life during her imprisonment. "But that's tomorrow to worry about. Right now, let's go see Vanessa."

Olivia nodded in appreciation as the young female nurse that had helped Olivia bathe earlier that morning exited the room they were heading towards, wheeling away an empty IV drip pole.

"Hey, 'Ness?... 'Nessa?" the detective called out in a hushed tone as Alex lightly rapped her knuckles on the door frame.

"Liv!" the young red head's attention was drawn away from the gossip magazine she had been thumbing through. She hopped out of bed as Alex wheeled Olivia in to the room, before wrapping her arms gently around the detective's body and shoulders, knowing exactly where to avoid for Olivia's injuries. "It's so good to finally hug you!"

"You can say that again!" Olivia returned the hug warmly, also knowing where Vanessa's injuries were located. Vanessa's arms and legs were just as pock marked with cigarette burns as Olivia's in various stages of healing. Also random cut lines littered her body too. A large bruise to the right side of her mouth and cheek was the same multitude of colours as Olivia's eye, more than likely from a violent backhand. Her wrists just as scarred and bruised, but in a wider band than Olivia's from the antique handcuffs she had been shackled with. A large X shape healing burns on both the palms of her hand, extending from her pinkie finger across to her thumb, and from her index finger to the opposite side of the heel of her wrist. The same on the backs of her hands too, just like Olivia's currently bandaged hands. A small sticking plaster on her left mid forearm covered where her IV drip would have been inserted. Her hair was similar to Olivia, hacked off a lot at the back at different lengths, but still long tendrils at the front.

"Hi Alex!" Vanessa threw her arms around Alex's neck and body, embracing the blonde like she hadn't seen her in years, where in fact she'd never met Alex before. The blonde responded with her own surprised but pleasant hello. Pulling back, Vanessa looked down at Olivia suddenly all serious, "Did you tell her?"

"Tell her what?!" Olivia asked, feigning confusion.

Vanessa dragged a chair over and sat down on one side of the brunette, "Liv! I swear I'll tell her _myself_ if you haven't!"

"I told her!" Olivia grinned proudly, taking Alex's hand in her own bandaged one as Alex sat down on the other chair on the other side of the wheelchair. Olivia studied Alex's face intimately as she continued, "I told Alex that I love her."

"And here I was all prepared to start clucking and call you _chicken shit_ again!" Vanessa winked.

"I was never scared! It's just that the... timing... was never right." Olivia justified, giving the red head a non-threatening glare.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, I remember... too many complications." Vanessa rolled her eyes, "Admit it, Liv! You were _too_ chicken shit."

Olivia shook her head in defiance, "_Never!_ And we're _not_ having this conversation yet again!"

Both previously imprisoned women shared a knowing look and burst out laughing at their own private joke.

"Again?" Alex chimed in.

Vanessa responded, "You were a _constant_ topic of conversation, Alex. Even though I've only just met you, I feel like I've known you forever for the amount of times Liv talked about you!"

"Oh geez 'Nessa, you make me sound like I'm obsessed with Alex." Liv covered her face in embarrassment with her free bandaged hand for a brief while.

"You're not obsessed... just in love with her. And I can really see it now!" Vanessa addressed Alex, "So why didn't _you_ tell Liv that you're in love with her?"

"Umm.. Like Olivia said, too many complications... and timing was never right."

"_Brrrrk! Brrrrk! Brrrrk!_" Vanessa clucked under her breath.

Olivia mouthed the words 'It's ok' to Alex, letting the blonde know that the light hearted teasing from Vanessa was not meant to offend either of them.

"Oh! Doctor Kelly said you were having tests done this morning, was it for your foot?" Vanessa was serious again.

"Yeah, my foot's fractured just like we guessed it would be. That's why I have the boot on now," Olivia covered immediately, consciously stopping herself from placing her hand on her stomach. The look and minute shake of the head she quickly gave Alex let the blonde know that baby and ultrasound were not up for discussion right now.

Vanessa continued, oblivious to the non verbal communication. "What about your hands? The burn on your back? Your cuts?"

"Healing well. The ones on my hands are still sore each time I move them, so no crutches to help me walk yet. The one on my shoulder is still tender, but we both knew seeing he only did that... well you know when he did that again. Dressings will need to be redone again soon. What about yours?"

Vanessa lifted the right sleeve of her hospital gown, revealing a freshly healing pink question mark shape burn to her bicep. "They say scarification is the next 'in thing' after tattoos," Vanessa said proudly, downplaying the injury she was displaying. "The one on _this_ arm's healed nicely. The one on the other arms still quite a while off though, seeing... as you said, you know when he did that. Doctor Kelly said the salt he used on us would've helped stave off any infections, but it still hurt like a bitch."

Alex tried not to cringe at the brutal scarring the young defense attorney had been inflicted with, and could only imagine what Olivia's looked like seeing she had only heard about the burns thus far on her back. If they were anything like the scars revealed during the ultrasound on her torso, it wasn't going to be good.

"Yeah, the salt was just as fucking cruel as the wounds themselves. Still, he shouldn't have done that to you, 'Nessa. It wasn't ever anything to do with you."

"I had to protect you just as much as you protected me, Liv! If that meant keeping quiet about Alex to him, then that's what I had to do. I'm not sorry I did what I did!" Vanessa lowered the sleeve back down.

"Why were you keeping quiet about me?" Alex interjected.

Vanessa replied before Olivia brush aside the comment, "I don't know if you know, but Liv talks in her sleep. He heard Liv saying your name a few times she was coming to from being drugged... after that he was obsessed to find out who this Alex was. But he assumed Alex was a man because he knew about Brian. Liv feared that if he knew you were a woman, he'd be even more brutal with the torture than he already was towards her... and that he'd go after you if he knew who you were. So she kept quiet, and so did I because I knew how much you meant to Liv after all the talks we had when we were alone. Liv protected you and me... and I protected you and Liv."

A thought had crossed Olivia mind while Vanessa was explaining to Alex about how they protected each other as best they could under the circumstances. After Vanessa finished explaining, Liv leant over and whispered something in Alex's ear. Nodding her understanding, the ADA left the room as Olivia commented, "You didn't have to do that... I mean protect me, 'Ness."

"And you didn't have to goad him so much like you did just so he'd leave me alone and not hurt me as much. We've talked about this and we _both_ did what we had to do." Vanessa was concerned about Alex's sudden departure, trying to see where the blonde went.

"Don't worry, she'll be back very soon," the brunette placated the young defense attorney's anxiety.

"Did I reveal too much to Alex?"

"You didn't tell her anything I wouldn't have told her eventually. I just don't want Alex blaming herself for the injuries _he_ caused the both of us, because we did what we did... protected her like we did. I'm ok with her hearing what happened because _you_ told her. She already knows I'd do anything to protect her because I love her."

"Still... I said too much, yeah?" Vanessa worried her bottom lip.

Olivia sighed, "I guess I'm still trying to protect Alex from the horrors we went through by _not_ telling her, and she knows it."

"Yes, she _does_ know it, and she's already told you what she thinks." Alex reentered the room, passing something to Olivia as she sat back down gathering Olivia's hand back in hers.

"I want you to have this, 'Nessa." Olivia passed the item to Vanessa, "Like I said you didn't have to protect me, or Alex even, like you did after what he repeatedly did to you... and I couldn't help you. You could've very easily used the fact that Alex is a woman, that I'm in love with her, and that I'm bisexual against me to protect yourself. Some people in the situation we were put in... and not even in the situation, just in everyday life... they would have no hesitation to used a person's sexuality against them for any advantage possible. Outing them, threatening them, blackmailing them... I guess what I'm trying to say is that I want you to have this as a thankyou for what you did."

The gold Fearlessness tag necklace rested in the palm of Vanessa's hand. "I-I can't accept this Liv!"

"You can, and you will. It's _my_ necklace and I can do what I want with it. And I want _you_ to have it. What you did... willingly protecting Alex and myself like that when you _didn't_ have to... and you knew _exactly_ what the consequences would be by _not_ saying anything, even after _everything_ he'd already subjected you to and kept doing to you... to me, _that_ is the epitome of fearlessness."

Vanessa held her hand out trying to return the necklace back to Olivia. "No, you should give this to Alex. I know how much she means to you!"

"Alex already has her own," Liv indicated the necklace around Alex's neck.

"Then you keep it for yourself! It's yours, you just said!"

"I already have mine." Olivia pointed to her own necklace, then clasped both her hands around Vanessa's extended hand, "I want no arguments from you. It's yours now, 'Nessa... Alex, can you put it on her, please?"

"You didn't have to protect me either," Vanessa tried to explain as Alex took the necklace from her grasp.

"I did. I'm just sorry I couldn't stop him hurting you like he did. Officially, it might be the LAPD's motto, but '_to protect and serve_' is a motto for _all_ law enforcement officers... in _my_ opinion. It's my job to protect, that's what I had to do... well, tried my best to do 'Ness, you know that already."

Vanessa asked as Alex clipped the necklace in place, "I never knew it was only LAPD's motto. What's NYPD's motto then?"

"_Fidelis ad Mortem_." Liv murmured with a hint of regret, still not completely convinced she'd followed that motto when she admitted to Alex that she'd slept with Brian one last time.

"Faithful Unto Death..." Alex confirmed. She then added quietly just for Olivia to hear as she made her way back to sit down, "... and I don't believe for a _moment_ that you were or ever would be unfaithful." She shared a look with Olivia when she sat back down, reaffirming to the detective that she hadn't cheated on the ADA. Olivia opened her mouth to say something, but Alex stopped her with a shake of her head. No matter what Liv would say or think regarding her final dalliance with Brian, Alex wouldn't believe or accept Olivia cheated on her seeing they were not officially together at the time.

The red head looked down at the large gold tag pendant around her neck, "I feel like a fraud wearing this Liv. I wasn't fearless, I was _so_ fearful... _so_ scared... I said _exactly_ what he wanted to hear... then he..." Vanessa trailed off, tears overwhelming her. Olivia pulled the red head closer with one arm, fighting back her own tears. They had been through so much together in that dimly lit room, they would always share a special bond that no-one else would have or truly understand.

"You're not a fraud, 'Ness... far from it, sweetie." Olivia placed a light reassuring kiss on the top of Vanessa's head while the red head continued to weep. "You were and are _so_ strong... _so_ brave... like I said, you didn't have to do what you did, but you did it anyway. It might take you a while to believe it, but you lived up to the term fearlessness so many times." As the brunette held the young defense attorney with one arm giving Vanessa unspoken strength, Olivia opened her other arm, needing to hold Alex and take strength from the ADA.

Vanessa rested her head lightly on Olivia's shoulder as the tears subsided, "Is it silly for me to say that I'm kinda scared to see my family?"

"You can feel whatever emotion you want, 'Ness. There's no right or wrong feeling after what we've been through."

"But they're going to look at me differently now."

"Unfortunately, they probably will look at you differently, but certainly not on purpose. They probably won't even realise they're doing it when they do... and you'll most likely end up yelling at them, or pushing them away... " Liv exchanged a small apologetic glance with Alex, "... on more than one occasion, through frustration and anger. But it's mostly because they don't know what happened to us in there. Only we do. They'll probably unknowingly treat you like a fragile porcelain china doll or a delicate spun glass figurine, but you're still the same person... because what did we talk about many times before?"

"We're not victims, we're survivors. I'm not a rape victim, I'm a rape survivor." Vanessa lifted her head off Liv's shoulder, "You still can't remember... if he... raped you?"

Olivia shook her head sadly, "No, still don't remember after all this time. But you know he drugged more much more than you. Maybe one day I'll know." Mentally adding, 'Maybe this time next week?'

"Oh my god! I forgot to tell you, I can't believe I didn't tell you right away! I'm _not_ pregnant, Liv! Even after all the times he raped me. Isn't that great?!" Vanessa relayed, full of relief and joy.

The sudden revelation was bittersweet for the detective, as the sensation of butterflies fluttered in her stomach, taunting her. "That's... that's _fantastic_ news, 'Nessa. I'm so glad for you!"

"You were right all along, Doctor Kelly thinks it's an anovulatory cycle, but I may need some more tests just to make sure it not early onset menopause or something if I don't start menstruating soon. So maybe he had a vasectomy? Or was infertile, seeing you're not pregnant."

"Yeah, that was probably the case." Liv responded quietly, exchanging another look with Alex so as not to burst Vanessa's bubble of happiness. She was genuinely happy for Vanessa after knowing what Lewis Williams had subjected the defense attorney to repeatedly. But the strong and cruel probability of her carrying his child wasn't easy to shake.

The three women sat there in the small hospital room in silence, many different thoughts running through each woman's head. It was a while before Vanessa spoke again, "Is he really dead? Was he really shot by the Sheriff's Department?"

"Yes, he was." A familiar voice floated from the door. This time, Olivia didn't tense up at the voice for she recognised it as coming from Kelly Leonard. "I thought you might like to meet your rescuers as they've finished up for the day, seeing yesterday was a fairly dramatic day for everyone. We can also remove your drip now, Olivia."

"That would be wonderful, for both." Liv said with a small laugh, reluctantly releasing Alex's hand and extending her arm to get the IV drip removed as fast as possible.

"I'll go and get them while the nurse removes the IV and your friend, 'Skinny'." Mel pointed to the IV drip pole.

By the time the young female nurse wheeled away the IV drip pole and placed a sticking plaster over the small wound after removing the cannula in Olivia's mid left forearm, Kelly reentered the room. She was followed by the two Winthrop Sheriff's Department members, each hold a bouquet of flowers for the previously imprisoned women. "Your rescuers, my wife Sheriff Melanie Leonard and Officer Alan Irvine. Officer Irvine was the one who shot and killed your captor after he pulled a gun on Mel."

Rookie Sheriff Officer Alan Irvine was tallish young man with a smattering of freckles across his nose and cheeks. His short, back and sides haircut was betrayed by his mop of light brown curls on the top of his head. Only his rarely seen charismatic smile would reveal his dimples, and show the true warmth in his hazel brown eyes.

Both Vanessa and Olivia tensed as Officer Irvine drew closer. He could see both women were becoming uncomfortable as he remembered the drug induced mantra Olivia had been repeating when he and Mel entered the cabin's cellar initially, so he backed off a little. Olivia was the first to relax as she processed the young Sheriff Officer wasn't a threat... he wasn't _him_, and her tightened grip on Alex's hand loosened. But Vanessa stayed on edge, still holding Liv's other hand a little tighter. Liv gave Vanessa's hand a light squeeze to reassure the red head.

Olivia and Melanie acknowledged each other using their professional titles, exchanging a brief hug, Mel very mindful of Olivia's injuries.

"Detective." Officer Irvine inclined his head at Olivia, then at Vanessa. "Miss."

Vanessa let go of Liv's hand, stood up and warmly embraced the Winthrop Sheriff. Ending the hug with Mel, Vanessa instinctually went to hug Officer Irvine but suddenly stopped herself and stepped back. She couldn't do it. She knew from her talks with Olivia in the cellar that it would take time to trust again. "I-I'm sorry, I can't. I-I would give you a hug Officer Irvine-"

"Please Miss, call me Alan."

"Only if you call me Vanessa."

"Ok Miss... err... sorry, Vanessa." Alan stumbled over his words.

"As I was saying Alan, I would give you a thankyou hug too... but after what I've been through, I'm quite wary of people... men. Wary of men." Vanessa corrected. She didn't want to be scared of men, she never had been, but that was _before_ Lewis Williams. She wanted to be honest with the rookie Officer, and being honest meant revealing the truth, like she would have to tomorrow to Major Case. "Please understand it's not you personally, but I-I was repeatedly assaulted... sexually assaulted... by the man you shot dead."

"You may not believe me, Vanessa, but I _do_ understand." Alan extended his hand for a friendly handshake to try and make Vanessa more at ease, adding under his breath with a hint of sadness. "I probably understand more than you think."

The muted comment went unnoticed by everyone, but Vanessa Meyer heard it. His hand was strong but gentle; warm and soft but slightly calloused. Not at all like the rough, burned and scarred hands of Lewis that repeatedly claimed and explored her body without permission. Vanessa had avoided eye contact with the rookie, but when her eyes eventually met with his, Alan didn't look at Vanessa with pity, but with a look of empathy.

"I won't regret saying this, but thankyou for shooting him dead... saving us," Vanessa indicated Olivia and herself, meeting Alan's eyes once more as she ended the handshake.

"Just doing my job, but it would've been earlier if I hadn't screwed up and-"

The moment was disrupted by the appearance of Vanessa's mother, father and both sisters at the door way.

"I-I have to go now." Alan stammered, abruptly leaving Vanessa's room.

"Wonder what was that all about?" Mel asked aloud.

"I have no idea." Olivia shrugged.

* * *

END NOTE: Don't forget to vote in the poll for Olivia's new hair style on my lookup if you haven't voted already!


End file.
